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Fancy a Snog? New Dating Site Caters to Women Who Love Brits {Lemondrop}
Mar 17th 2010 6:18PM OK this comment may prompt some defensive reactions, but I don't mean it to be an attack whatsoever! It's just an observation. . .
First I would like to say that I feel very "at home" in London culturally, and I'm not brash but demure, and quite "ladylike" while still somewhat independent. But oh, I could seriously go on about dating English men, having lived there for 4 years going to uni, then working at Parliament. . . (my long-term relationship there was with an amazing Aussie).
I still have a lot of affection for them, but they are notorious with every woman I know (both English and American) for a particular phenomenon we call the "English Guy Disappearance Act (EGDA)." Staggeringly, it has occurred in 100% of nascent couples I knew while there.
In this phenomenon there is very little deviation, aside from timeline. It may happen after a course of several weeks, or several months, but the outcome is inevitable: The man will hit on the girl mercilessly, and initiate all the dates, then act completely smitten and committed to forming a relationship, and go on to discuss future plans, talk about various friends she must meet, and pay her sweet but not overly-done compliments. Then, one day, he'll make a date that he won't keep. He may�may�text her that 'something came up,' but only in rare occasions. After that, the girl will probably never hear from him again. He simply vanishes.
Of course, since it's such an overwhelmingly common occurrence, we felt absolutely compelled to understand the reasons behind it (because chalking it up to English men just all being bastards wasn't adequate!). So, we've taken what we've observed about the English in other areas of their lives, and tried to apply it towards some sort of explanation. After much analyzing, we've come to a general consensus on one particular theory.
Somehow or another, English men have formed ideas on how the perfect relationship should be. And they have preconceived notions on how they should behave within that relationship. Therefore, when encountering a woman in whom they have some interest, they consult this perception, and act accordingly. It is oddly formal, but they try to adhere to it. However, this results in somewhat of an 'act,' since forming true passion and regard in a relationship takes some measure of informality and spontaneity. But in the cases we've observed, the man often maintains the role of what he thinks he should do, and how he thinks he should act, which is part of the general artifice of English politeness. He wants to make the woman feel good and comfortable, even if he doesn't truly feel the words he's saying. (Of course, men say all kinds of things to get women into bed, and are willfully manipulative about it, but this theory applies to longer-term interactions that span at least several weeks). Finally, inevitably, the woman will believe that the man is truly, seriously interested in her, and will start to respond in kind. But as soon as she genuinely invests in the relationship what the man has only seemed to contribute, he realizes he has gotten himself in over his head, and basically freaks out.
Rather than suffer through any sort of confrontation (unthinkable!) the men seem to prefer an 'out of sight, out of mind' tactic, and pretend the whole thing never happened. Although they know that they have behaved badly, they are essentially "too English" to face the repercussions of their actions and actually break up with someone. They're just in too deep, and cannot face the tension and emotional to-do that would come as a result of such an exchange.
Of course, English people DO have relationships and get married, so there is obviously a loophole! This seems to usually happen when couples naturally fall into a relationship without any over-thinking or intent on their own parts. For lack of a better word, they 'fall' into it, because if the guy goes about a formal courting process, he seems to emotionally stall. Mostly, it seem to happen when a man and woman are good friends for a while (because Brits seem quite comfortable and skilled with inter-gender friendships), and then realize they really like each other, and it's a natural progression to couple-hood. Because they were friends first, they don't feel like they have to put on an act; they already know each other well and are comfortable with each other. But this can only happen successfully if there's not TOO much thought/analysis of it. Otherwise, it seems to always result in EGDA, or perhaps EWDA (English Woman Disappearing Act). Since I've only had and discussed the experiences of straight females, I can't comment on that, but It would be interesting to see how it works when the roles are switched.
Am I being unfair? If so, how would one explain a relationship that goes from (apparently) blossoming, to total silence with literally zero warning? I actually think I'm being quite charitable! I could just say that they were putting in a very long-term effort to sleep with us, and once they did, they just chucked us! But since it refers to every man we dated in the UK over 4 years, that's a truly bleak view of the English population!!!
But like I said, I love London and EGDA won't be deterring me--I'm moving back there in 4 months :-) Maybe I will be completely proven wrong and meet the man of my dreams!
Roommate Horror Stories -- The Lonely Crier {Asylum}
Dec 17th 2008 1:38PM Dave--did you notice the name "Karen" at the bottom? It's a woman who wrote this, not a guy. But nice pointing out what a pig you are.
