Right about now many people are planning to stop smoking, drinking, junk food, erase all those DVR'd episodes of Jersey Shore or give up another unhealthy addiction in the beginning of the year. Sorry, but if you do, you're doomed. Studies show that ninety-five percent of New Year's resolutions don't last. That's because holidays are too loaded –and fraught with family events, memories and unrealistic expectations. There's a New Year's mythology that makes people think a change will magically take place without any hard work. It won't.
"Pick any other time but the start of January," says my psychologist Frederick Woolverton. He should know. He's the addiction specialist who helped me quit my 27 year two-pack-a-day cigarette habit nine years ago – while losing weight at the same time.
For the last thirty years, Woolverton, 59, has helped clients stop everything from serious drug abuse to softer vices like nightly Ben & Jerry's binges. He does this by recommending many kooky-sounding, counterintuitive suggestions that ultimately wind up working. Here's advice he gives for those who want to beat the odds and really break free from their compulsions once and for all.
1. IT'S GOOD TO FEEL LOUSY: When quitting a bad habit, everyone wants the instant gratification of immediate health and happiness. But that's the opposite of what happens. Expecting to feel better fast is the fastest way to fail. "Underlying every substance problem I've ever seen is a deep depression that feels unbearable," according to Woolverton, who warns patients that they could feel like hell for an entire year when giving up an addiction – whether it's cigarettes, cigars, beer, pot, or potato chips.
2. LEARN TO SUFFER WELL: You have to allow yourself time to go through the painful emotions you usually drink, smoke, toke, eat or gamble away before you start to heal. Just because you're feeling horrible now doesn't mean that's a bad thing, that your blue mood will last or that one relapse means you can't do it. Feelings misinform. Withdrawal symptoms can bring out your worst while in reality giving up an addiction is often the healthiest move you've ever made. But you have to be patient and know that your cravings will subside. Plan in advance ways to combat misguided thoughts and emotions. Schedule a daily walk, or weekly massage, manicure, steam bath or trip to the sauna - healthy ways to feel soothed.
3. GET AN ENTOURAGE: "Addicts depend on substances, not people," Woolverton says. You need to find "core pillars" to replace the trusty Marlboro Box in your pocket, six pack in your fridge or M & M's at your desk. Start to rely on real humans on a daily basis. This can be a sponsor, AA, NA or OA group, the staff at a clinic like Hazleton, a medical doctor, therapist or drug counselor. Make a plan every day to see, phone or Skype with a friend, relative or colleague also in recovery who will care about your progress and be sensitive to your vulnerability. Ask your mate to hold you for one hour every night with no talking, a way to feel calmer.
4. BEWARE THE SUBSTANCE SHUFFLE: AA members often vilify alcohol while scarfing down donuts, slurping caffeine-laden sodas and cream-filled coffee while chain smoking cigarettes. When you give up smoking or drinking, don't just allow yourself to eat anything you want or spend money like a millionaire (even if you are one.) Becoming obese or going bankrupt will worsen your problem and the likelihood you'll use it as an excuse to go back to your other bad habits. Many of Woolverton's patients have lost weight and improved their careers during treatment. To do this you have to be very mindful and monitor everything you consume and spend for a while. Now's probably not the time for a weekend in Vegas.
5. FIGURE OUT WHAT'S MISSING: If you don't want to go back to your bad habit or simply substitute it for another, you have to delve deep to find out what the cigarettes or Chardonnay or nightly chocolate bars are replacing. What do you really want from life that you're not getting? Career bliss? Creative satisfaction? Wealth? Love? More passion? When you quit something toxic, you make room for something beautiful to take its place.
6. SHIFT YOUR SOCIAL LIFE: If you're serious, you'll have to take a break from bars and parties where pals and acquaintances are using the substance you're losing. It's the perfect time to seek out new sober, smoke-free friends and colleagues at a health club, an interesting cooking or art class or a volunteering gig. Instead of meeting at taverns or restaurants, schedule a walking-and-talking date. Or dancing, karaoke, pedicure or literary reading (any events where people are less likely to smoke, drink or overeat.)
7. MORE STRATEGIES, MORE SUCCESS. Instead of relying on one plan, consider an all-out assault. To lose weight, try a new diet, weekly OA meetings and working out a trainer. To nix nicotine, use the patch, gum or inhaler, sit in on a Smoke Enders group and chew on cinnamon sticks. To get off of the bottle, commit to AA, an exercise class and daily journaling. I know it seems like you have to become a walking anti-addiction machine. But the more methods you're open to at once, the more likely you'll find your solution.
8. LEAD THE LEAST SECRETIVE LIFE YOU CAN. Hiding, lying and denial are cornerstones of addiction. So you have to admit you have a problem. Out loud. To start, many people journal, blog, or join on-line addiction chat groups. Better is one- to-one therapy, counseling or recovery meetings. Even a single session could lead to a breakthrough. You need to talk about what you're going through. Don't bottle it up inside. That's the origin of bad habits in the first place.
9. SLEEP IS A SECRET WEAPON: Sleep deprivation makes everything worse and lowers your resistance to all bad habits. So make more serene slumber a priority. Eat well and exercise too – which will make it easier to get a good night's rest to regenerate and make smart choices.
10. UPON THE MOMENT OF COMMITMENT, THE WORLD CONSPIRES TO HELP YOU. Say out loud what bad habit you want to stop, what good habit you want to start and what your new goals are. Be specific. Write it down. Tell everyone you know and ask for help and encouragement. The only way to change is to change. You can make it happen. Any time after the first week of January.
Susan Shapiro <
www.SusanShapiro.net> is author of Lighting Up, Speed Shrinking, Overexposed and coauthor –with Frederick Woolverton- of the upcoming book "Unhooked: Lose Your Addiction, Find What's Missing."
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When I walked into my local Brooklyn Starbucks one mid-December morning, I wasn't expecting to get a New Year's Eve date. But as a recently minted 33-year-old with chronic No Boyfriend Disease, I did have a goal. Not only to get caffeinated, but also to test out a few pick-up tricks from the dating how-to guide I was reading, "Date Like a Man," by Myreah Moore and Jodie Gould. In it, they assert coffee chains were "the Mecca for thousands of hyped-up singles."
Before becoming an A-lister and American Idol judge, this Bronx native danced her way to our TV sets as a Fly Girl on the '90s sketch comedy show, 'In Living Color.' She later moved to films and shared the screen with the likes of George Clooney and Ralph Fiennes. She was even nominated for a Grammy for her big club hits. Click to find out who she grew up to be!
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