Lemondrop

There are no stupid questions ... until Thanksgiving rolls around, and then we're all magically transformed into a nation of dimwits, frantically scrambling from one side of the kitchen to the other and saying to ourselves "Where the hell did that pumpkin pie go? It was right here a second ago."

If this sounds like you, don't feel too bad, first of all, missing pies always turn up, and secondly, at least you're not one of the people who called up the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line and asked some of the dumbest questions ever. Unless you are one of those people, in which case, sorry, but we really had to share. The questions in question in no particular order:

* "Is it okay to thaw my turkey in the bathtub while bathing my kids?" The other day my nephew pooped in the tub to get revenge on his little brother who was also in the tub. Think about that.

* "Can I brine my turkey in the washing machine?" Although the idea of mounting a turkey on the post inside a washing machine is hilarious, this seems like a great way to get food poisoning / accidentally eat a whole lot of detergent.

* "Can I use my oven's self-cleaning cycle to speed up the cooking process?" Setting your oven to self-clean already fills your home with enough smoke when there isn't a gigantic dead bird sitting inside of it. Still, if you want to scare away house guests ....

* "If I cut my turkey with a chainsaw, will the oil affect the taste?" Genuinely, it seems like people are really just trying to scare away everyone they invited over.

* "Can I take my frozen turkey into my sauna to thaw it faster?" Ummmmm ... if you have your own sauna, shouldn't you also have a butler who thaws your turkeys for you?

See, even though you may have accidentally taken off for Grandma's house with the sweet potatoes sitting on top of your car, you're not all that bad.