On "Good Morning America" recently, 18-year-old Caitlin Clemens shared why she had a breast augmentation to help ease her physical and emotional insecurities. Flashing beneath images of Clemens in a hospital gown was the question "How Young Is Too Young?" The show also questioned the fact that Clemens' mom had gone to the same doctor, for the same surgery. Was that right? Of course, there is no right answer to either of these questions, but I can tell you that when I decided to have a breast reduction at age 18 -- for many of the same reasons -- it was my grandmother who first suggested it, and it saved my life.
I was a tall, lanky kid, until my chest sprouted into 34Es. At 5-foot-7, 120 pounds, I was carrying around cantaloupes, each melon the size of my head. They chafed together leaving red welts inside my cleavage, weighed on my petite back and nearly knocked me out during cross-country practice at my small New England boarding school, which had a three-season athletic requirement.
"Hey, Gerber," the basketball team captain yelled out to me. "You have a lot of extra baby food. Can I have some of that milk?" His hyena laughter rang in my ears. I bolted to the nearest women's bathroom, tears streaming down my cheeks. Despite the sexuality radiating mixed messages from my upper body, I had never taken off my shirt in front a boy, much less myself. I was too disgusted to glance down in the shower.
It wasn't just men who used my chest to deflate me. After practice, surrounded by stick-straight all-American blondes, a female teammate with B-cups turned to me and said, "I think you actually look at lot thinner than you are, because your breasts are so big."
I hid my breasts under sports bras and wrapped them tightly beneath layers of packing tape, preferring a uni-boob to the humiliation of looking down and seeing my cleavage creased together like two pieces of fatty chicken meat. I believed my enormous chest was my fault, and if I worked hard enough I could manage my bra size.At 16, I mistakenly believed my ballooning bust would shrink if I were emaciated. But when I returned to school 20 pounds lighter, after a summer in Israel spent eating oranges and Diet Coke exclusively, I was still suffocating.
Although my breasts never changed, something else did: my resolve. The less I ate, I discovered, the more attention I attracted for something other than my boobs. Someone even reported me to the campus therapist. She sat next to me in a long linen dress the color of hay and said, "I'm concerned about your health." But I didn't have eating issues; anorexia was never my problem of choice.
Then one day, during a three-mile trail race, my legs gave into the pressure. With each pounding step, I had felt shocks of pain rushing up my shins. Now I could feel myself slowing down until I was no longer in motion, watching other runners pass me. I rested on the ground in the woods, unable to stand up, as the last ponytail waved goodbye.
The stress of my unhappiness had literally caused cracks in my frail frame, deep fractures in both my legs. As my surgeon father held the shattered black and white images up to the light, he said, "Maybe you weren't built to be a runner." To me, his words were a reminder that no matter what I did, I was stuck inside a body I couldn't stand.
At the time, I thought breast reductions were only for old women, like my grandmother, until she pulled me into the bathroom on the first night of Passover.
"Let me show you my breasts," she offered. Without waiting for my response, her lacey bra was draped around her waist, and two perfect C cups pointed at me. "Not one scar," she bragged. "Lot's of vitamin E and good skin."
"What did they look like before?" I asked.
"Yours."
It was the first time I'd considered surgery. I was desperate to rid myself of the massive inheritance that had weighed on my back and self-image. I was 18 years old, a freshman in college, when I found the courage to ask my father for help. "Please, Dad. I need to get rid of my breasts," I told him. It was the only time I ever referred to them in front of him.
"I'll set up a consultation as soon as I can," he said calmly.
"I don't need to consult anyone."
"There are risks -- scars, loss of sensation, a 40 percent chance of not being able to breast-feed," he ticked them off, methodically.
"I don't care. I want surgery," I blurted.
Two months later, I waited behind a white curtain in the surgical wing of Massachusetts General Hospital, fidgeting with my long gown.
I shut my eyes and tried to remember a time before my chest consumed me, before I hated my body. I was convinced that all I had to do was this, and I'd be happy. I couldn't block out the loud hospital sounds -- clinking metal instruments and nurse's sneakers squeaking against the linoleum floors. I jumped when a pretty nurse pulled back the protective curtain.
"You'll be fine," my mother said as she kissed me on the forehead. My father patted my back silently.
I woke up in the recovery room staring at a fuzzy woman. I knew it was my mom because the room smelled like Chanel No. 5. I felt safe again.
After four days of pills and sleep, I stood topless in my parents' bathroom watching my mother remove white gauze, pulling off individual squares crusted with pus and hardened blood. I didn't recognize the small swollen breasts that fit perfectly inside the cup of my hands. They felt like a burden. There were lines of stitches circling my newly carved nipples and a mixture of brown and purple psychedelic bruises.
"Much better," Mom proclaimed, looking at me in the mirror as if I'd done something important. I knew I had too.
She placed her delicate hands on my bare shoulders. "I had no idea you were so thin."
Immediately, my mother saw a change in me. In fact, everyone noticed -- everyone but me. I'd put all my chips in the reduction basket, hoping surgery would instantly change the way I saw myself. When it was over, I was supposed to be happy and perfect, but I wasn't yet. In my mind, I was still top-heavy, no matter what.
Now it's been eight years since my surgery. At 26, I no longer wake up and dread getting dressed. I own bras in colors other than flesh, nude and taupe, and sometimes I don't even bother with one. The physical scars have faded to the point where I hardly notice them. For the first time, I am consistently running every other day, careful with my legs, which still ache in the center of my shin when I've gone too far.
A few months ago, I walked into the lobby of my building, sweating after four miles in the sun. While I waited for the elevator, I overheard a petite woman talking with her friend about her new exercise program. "I definitely feel a lot better. Not as good as that girl," she said, pointing in my direction. When I turned around to a get a look at the great body, I realized no one else was there. "You really didn't know I was talking about you?" she asked me as we shuffled into the elevator.
"I wish I could see whatever it is you just saw," I confided.
"Look again," she smiled, as the doors opened onto my floor.
I haven't seen the petite woman since that day, but somehow her kind and unexpected compliment has stayed with me, counteracting the tape that had been playing on repeat in my head since puberty. She'd never seen the other me, while I hadn't allowed myself to see anything else.
So, I decided to follow her advice. I pulled out the size-10 Betsey Johnson dress I wore to my high school graduation -- the only one I could find that covered me completely -- and put it on over my gym clothes in front of the full-length mirror. As the fabric draped off my slender frame, bunching around my small chest, I hardly remembered the insecure person it had once belonged to -- the teenage version of myself I'd found the strength to save.













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Monday 06 December
By tony bart
If you want the bg boobs, then then you carry them around.
Wednesday 24 November
By Lina Tunick
Dear Alyson,
I cried while reading your article. Wow it is terrific and a true testament to how young girls feel about themselves and how had it is to shake that initial image,no matter what changes they make.
I loved it and thanks for or sharing those intimate thoughts.
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Monday 06 December
By The Restorer
I won't go that far Ms. Tunick,
However I do appreciate Alyson sharing something so personal.
My 19 year old daughter is going through the same thing although she's never confronted me. I have over heard her speaking to her mother about it.
I'll need to approach this delicately and decide what she wants to do about it.
Thanks again for sharing Alyson.
Wednesday 24 November
By Jane Warshaw
Alyson,
What a beautiful essay. I thought it was going to be something more hurtful to you, but it was a sensitive, deeply personal piece on a very important subject.
Reply
Wednesday 24 November
By V
A moving and fascinating essay. Sometimes it takes a strong act of will, a fertile imagination and a leap of faith to re-envision oneself. Good for you for being able to do it.
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Wednesday 24 November
By T.J.
Thank you so much for this.
I have big breasts also and I've had to deal with people commenting on them since I was 12.
Although I don't experience too many physical problems in terms of backaches, etc., I would like to go into a store one day and just buy a dress/top without budgeting for tailoring. I would love to buy a one-piece bathing suit just ONCE. I'd also like to exercise without having to wear three sports bras.
The worst part is when girls, who are supposed to be on MY side, comment on them in front of guys and make fun of me.
I've been thinking about doing the surgery also but I've been so scared.
Now, I will consider it seriously.
Again, thank you.
~T.J.
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Monday 06 December
By Abraxus
TJ - I had breast reduction surgery in Feb 2004 - I was a 36HH (yeah, that IS a size!) - my boobs were in a different zip code to the rest of me was what I used to say. I tried to make jokes like everyone else did but it didn't make the discomfort and hurt of their comments any less. I got the surgery because my back and neck were hurting a lot more at the time, but mostly I got it so I didn't have to suffer the indignity of the rude comments. I don't know why men especially feel it's OK to make those comments, but they do, and women can just be downright evil with their comments too, but in a spiteful way. I have never regretted the surgery at all and would do it again in a heartbeat (except of course I don't need to!). I had a consult, time to think about it, made my decision, booked a date, went in the night before, and on surgery day my chosen surgeon drew all over my chest with this weird marker pen to show what was being done (cuts needed were shown, where the nipple was going to be now, where the scars would be). All the risks were explained in detail, and I was one of those who found she couldn't breast feed after, but I was OK with that. Afterwards you get to wear an awesome bra that feels like armor to hold the girls in place while everything heals, but once that is gone you feel great. My scars are underneath so never noticed by anyone, even my husband doesn't notice them and he "sees' more than everyone else! There are risks, as with any surgery, but I found the risks were minimal compared to the everyday humiliation that people subjected me to with there comments. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Monday 06 December
By mc
Until people realize that making personal remarks is rude, crude and absolutely disgusting, folks like this girl will be made to suffer more than they should.
Monday 06 December
By Sylvia
It also hurts when people refer to you as Elsie the Borden Cow and call you big tits and remark on your big bassooms. I had this from age 12 as well and I can sympathisze with you over this. When I was 19 I had the surgery and I have never been sorry. My daughter and grand daughter had to do this too. Thank you for sharing your story on this blog.
Monday 06 December
By Jean E
Do it. Have the surgery. You don't say how old you are, but trust me, the pain you DON"T FEEL now will eventually come. I didn't feel any pain related to my breast size until I got into my mid-thirties. By the time I had my breast reduction surgery at 43, I had become reliant upon the chiropractor and pain meds to east the neck, back and shoulder pain, as well as the terrible headaches that resulted from my neck being out of alignment due to the weight on my chest. No amount of physical therapy was going to change anything. My breasts were just too big (38 DDD) to contend with.
It changed my life for the better....too bad I didn't do it sooner to spare myself the harassment during my youth and young adulthood--from girls in schools, as well as both boys and grown men--some of them my bosses (one who harassed me was the Vice Principal at a Queens middle school where I taught 8th and 9th grade English, so no one is above bad behavior).
Go for it. The post-surgery pain is minimal and the scars heal (vitamin E really does help but apply only after the stiches are out). Take extra vitamin C too to promote healing.
Monday 06 December
By Maggie
I had the surgery two years ago, after 20 years of suffering with 38Gs. I would recommend it to anyone who is dealing with the same issues. My daughter had it last year at 19. We are both so happy with the results. There is an amazing website called Makemeheal (with the usual dotcom ending). I wouldn't have found the strength to have the surgery without the pictures, blogs and total support of so many complete strangers. Check it out...
Please respond to this message if you need any advice.
Monday 06 December
By Angel Stanton
Go ahead and have the surgery. I had mine done in 2006 when I was 3 years old. I too had always been picked on since 5th grade and always was self conscious of my size. I had gotten to a size E before my surgery and was having back aches. My insurance paid for my surgery except for my deductible becuase of the back pains. I had been nervous about the surgery, but can honestly say now I wish I had done it a lot sooner. The doctor did me to a Size C and ended up taking 5lbs total off my chest to do this. I felt immediate relief in the recovery room. Now 4 years later you can't see any of my scars really and I love being able to shop for shirts better. I will tell you not to panic when you see your self right after surgery all bruised, because it does get better.
Wednesday 08 December
By DMayoJ
Hi....everything written in the article in very true. I had my surgery in 2005 after having "full on" breasts since the age of 8. I, too, endured the comments and assumptions that came along w/the "twins". My family was dead set against the surgery, but as I started discussing it w/my friends and co-workers, I found a lot of them had the surgery and were very pleased. I can't tell you how much my self esteem changed since I've had it. It's wonderful to get up and go w/o a "harness" if I choose not to do so. My scarring was minimal and I have no problems w/sensation. Good luck w/your decision and continue peace and blessings to you.
Monday 06 December
By RottenJosh
Look, If you have large breats it is a good thing, If other fe-males are picking on you about them it is because they are jelouse that you have something nice that they do not have. Please do not go changing you apperance and ruening something so nice because all its gona do it prove to them that they are the winners.
Wednesday 24 November
By Dhonielle Clayton
Wow! What a powerful article. You have really given a voice to young girls who are struggling with the same thing....
Well done friend.
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Friday 26 November
By Sona
Alyson:
What a beautiful, powerful story -- and you show such courage in sharing it. Your grandmother is a brilliant role model for you, and it seems like by sharing your story, you will be one to girls out there everywhere, who might think they're alone in this situation.
Sona
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Sunday 28 November
By angie
Thank you for sharing the truth. Women turn against other women with large breasts all the time - as if just having large breasts because God decided to make our body that way instantly makes the woman stupid, a slut, etc. Also, as you proved, there are plenty of women with large breasts who are petite. In my early 20's, I was petite at under 120 pounds with a 24 inch waist and DD boobs and had to endure nasty comments from men but a lot of women also. I had since gained 30 pounds and feel more comfortably proportioned, but its time other women supported each other instead of causing complexes and neurosis in each other.
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Monday 06 December
By Jean E
Yeah, I could not believe how hard the girls were on me at school. And the men who harassed me ran the gammut--one was my boss, a vice pricipal at a middle school in Queens where I taught. He asked me if I was ever a stripper...I should have reported him.
I wish I had had my surgery sooner for sparing me the physical pain, but the emotional pain was inflicted by others, which hurt more in a way. I become mistrustful of most people because they always had to make comments. I stuck it out till 43, but by then, the associated physical pain made me do it.
I think it was bullying when I look back on it. Very disappointing. Girls hurting each other. And young boys being so disgusting and stepping over all boundaries of polite and proper behavior. I was a shy girl who never drew attention to herself. I didn't invite comments, but got them anyway.
I commend anyone who lives through this experience with their head up high, with or without having reduction surgery. A lot tougher for those "scars" to heal.
Monday 06 December
By lynn
you are so right. As a woman with natural DD breasts, I've been called a "slut" and been told by several female co-workers that I only have my job because "i have big boobs". People are so hurtful - if I had gone out and gotten huge breast implants it would be different. but it's so terrible when you are stereotyped for having natural large breasts.
Monday 06 December
By Bev
When I read the headlines of the article my first thought was what a horrible Grandmother to suggest such a thing to a kid. When reading the story I realized how wrong I was and it was love that was coming through from the Grandmother to her Grandaughter. This girl must have gone through so much pain inside and out. Sounds like this girl has a wonderful sense of self now.
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