A recipe for Marilyn Monroe's favorite seasonal stuffing
-- replete with cute instructions and adorable spelling mistakes -- has been all over the lady blogs like a drunk Kennedy. Quite honestly, it looks delicious, and it's something we'd feel OK spooning gently into Arthur Miller's mouth while we cooed in some kind of halter apron.
We're always seeing Tom Cruise's carbonara on Oprah or Patricia Heaton's potato salad in "Family Circle" or some other iteration of skinny people we don't know demanding that we eat their food. Celebrities! They're just like our Eastern European great aunts.
We decided to try to cobble together a roundup of celebrity recipes. And you know what? Just like in real life, NOBODY remembered a salad. How hard is that? Next year, we're just going to tell all the famous people who come to our houses for the holidays to bring paper plates or a spare tube of crescent rolls. Those go fast.
Ashley Tisdale's Christmas Cookies
These treats are sure to tide you over if you're hoping to get the Sprouse twins into your stockings this Christmas. (Whatever, they just turned 18, it's totally legal.) If the cookie comes out crooked, you can always break it and reset it until it is cute and straight. You know, not so the cookie looks better -- so it can BREATHE better.
Dolly Parton's Cheese Biscuits
We would eat a brimming ashtray if Dolly Parton told us to. But these biscuits actually sound good.
Christina Hendricks' Pumpkin Spice Cocktail
Finally, some booze. And who better to serve it up than a breathy-voiced ginge and Marilyn's heir apparent? You know the time you couldn't afford to go home for Thanksgiving so you just dumped a bunch of tequila in your seasonal Starbucks drink and watched the Thanksgiving episode of "Parenthood" on Hulu? This is probably way better than that.Ted Nugent's Wild Turkey with Morel Sauce
The Nuge's cookbook, "Kill It & Grill It," includes an epigram warning you not to worry too much about the grammar in the recipes contained within, because the text has been Nugentized. Oh. Well. OK. Just tell us what to mow down and cram in our craws, Nuge. You gave us "Cat Scratch Fever," why not a delicate mushroom demiglace?
Bill Maher's Savory Broccolini
We found this recipe on a site with a roundup of celebrity vegetarians. It's a smart idea to eat heart healthy if you don't want to throw a clot on top of some 19-year-old in a "Sexy Mrs. Claus" outfit you picked up in a pool grotto.
Tony Danza's Stew
Is this recipe good? We don't know. Is this technically a holiday recipe? Who knows? Is there a grainy video of Tony Danza making stew in a weird tank top? Definitely.
The Bidens' Spicy Nuts
When I was little my sister's hamster's incisors got really long, and the vet was like, "He needs something to grind them down on, like a wood block or specially formulated treat sticks, or they will just keep growing and growing and growing." Unrelated, these nuts look delicious and great to crunch on.
Michelle Obama's Apple Cobbler
"Bake at 300 for up to 3 hours." Three hours?! Maybe Michelle Obama has that kind of time to make sure her crust is "flaky," but we're off accomplishing things.
Sandra Lee's Kwanzaa Cake
Speaking of booze, Sandra Lee is technically more of a chef than a celebrity (What? We didn't say ANYTHING.), but she's also now the first lady of New York or something, which sort of makes her a celebrity along the lines of your Michelle Obamas and your Jill Bidens, except that she is wooden-spoon-chewing insane and made this ludicrous, ludicrous Kwanzaa cake. This Kwanzaa cake is the "Eraserhead" of foods.
Gwyneth Paltrow's Everything
Gwyneth graciously shares her recipes on the regs at her site Goop, which sounds like an old Nickelodeon product and is actually an outlet for her to be the worst human being alive. Seems harsh, until you remember that she famously referred to Billy Joel as "William."
(By the way, sometimes I say "famous" when I mean "privileged private-yoga robot monster harpy," because it looks much less elegant as an adverb.) Gwyneth's Thankstravaganza is, for the most part, pretty traditional (minus the Cranberry Ketchup -- we're all VERY IMPRESSED, Chef Boyardawful), despite the fact that she's married to a person from England, a country whose tyranny we ironically celebrate our emancipation from. (Except then it was religion, and now it is Coldplay.)
Julieanne Smolinski is Lemondrop's articles editor. She will be spending this Thanksgiving alone, probably eating from a can.
Have a treasured celebrity recipe we missed? Let us know in Ye Comments.