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Is this why we're perpetually single? A new study of old data says holding off on having sex with a guy might improve the quality of your eventual relationship. (You know. Should you have one. With a guy who's OK with not having sex for the sake of your eventual relationship.)
Basically, people who abstain from knockin' boots weed out the folks who are just looking to make the beast with two backs from their dating pool and find people interested in actual relationships.
According to data from a survey taken in the mid-'90s, people who waited until they were seriously dating, engaged or married before slapping skins (AGH!) had a relationship-satisfaction rating of 4.2 out of 5. Those who just couldn't wait and bumped uglies (good grief, why do we know all these old-timey euphemisms?) reported a satisfaction rating of 3.8.
What do you think? Does holding off on the horizontal mambo (seriously, why?!?!) make relationships better?
We would agree, but apparently "waiting for a fourth cocktail" doesn't count, so we don't know.
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Wednesday 03 November
By Superman
Waiting until you are married to have sex is the recipe for a lasting relationship! Period. If you have sex before you are married, you have a much higher risk of getting divorced and having failed relationships.
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Friday 05 November
By David Cunningham
Waiting for sex until after you are married is a recipe for divorce, not a lasting relationship. Sexual compatibility is required for a lasting relationship and if you wait until after you're married to find out you're incompatible, a divorce is a lot messier than a simple break-up. And you won't find out if you're sexually compatible without having sex, either. We're not born with anything that tells us without having sex, and there is no magic set of questions that we can ask or answer that will indicate it either. I counsel people every day with this problem, so I'm talking about real-world conditions, not some ideology.
Marrying for sex is bad, yes. Along with sexual compatibility are a whole lot of other compatibilities that are also required. And when you hold off on sex, it creates a subconscious feeling of scarcity that will make people get married so they can finally have sex. Again, I'm speaking from experience of the masses, not an ideology, theory, or opinion. I hear these problems daily in my work.
And by the way, make no mistake, sexual attraction and love are not at all the same thing; they are in fact entirely independent emotions, since people can love without having sex and they can have sex with people they literally hate. So feeling love for someone is no indication whatsoever that you will be able to have sex with them even once, let alone for a lifetime. Also be aware that need and love are not the same thing, and being in a relationship based on mutual need, especially mutual need of sex, isn't going to cut it regardless of when you first have sex.
Having sex before marriage doesn't ruin relationships. It provides needed information, and often debunks unreasonable expectations or lies told just to get sex. The reason those numbers are skewed that way is because people don't understand relationship emotions and they hook up with people thinking that attraction or need is love and that sex is a good reason to be together, not because sex ruined anything. They're own ignorance, lack of relationship skills, and bad judgment is what fouled their relationships. So wake up and smell the coffee.
Wednesday 03 November
By Kaitlin
I always imagined I would wait until marriage to have sex, I was even in a long-term relationship of which two years were engagement, and I held off.
Then I met my now-husband, and two months into dating we slept together, the next month we moved in together, and seven months after that we were married. I'm just thankful that I waited for my husband, and I think the fact that sex wasn't our main focus, but getting to know each other, and making a solid friendship base was what strengthened our relationship and marriage.
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Wednesday 03 November
By YoshiCarrot
I've always gone through lilfe with the idea of sex before marriage being a bad. thing. I've recently learned that it is not such a bad thing after all. Sex isn't important at all in a relationship as long as there is a mutual respect among both partners. Maybe it's best to make sure that the relationship is a serious thing before the love making process begins, make sure that it's already strong before taking the next step.
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Wednesday 03 November
By CAgirl
At 19, I married the hot guy for great sex (I didn't figure it out until after the divorce). The next time around, my hubby and I were friends for months and I knew I loved him before he ever kissed me. My theory of having. Solid relationship that would last forever meant "depth" and something real in case his penis ever stopped working. All well and good, but what I have come to realize is that his way of "taking it slow" really meant "I hardly ever want sex", and now that medical issues have brought on a nice case of ED...well, the relationship is great. But now I'm a seriously frustrated, way too young to think about never having sex again and working on every ounce of self control I have to keep myself from dong something I would surely regret with a steaming hot guy friend who would love to come to the rescue (I never said a word...can guys just tell?).
The morale of the story is....I've never regretted the sex I've had, but I regret that at this rate I'll never have sex with my hubby again. I say be selective be careful. But before you marry it, make sure you're compatible. There is no set time frame...
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Thursday 04 November
By Kionna
im 26 and still a virgin and i recommend those that still are remain that way until marriage and untill they find that man that is worth all of them and not part of them. why give your body away to someone and allow them to use you with no solid commitment, you all may be dating but your probably not the only one hes dating. so hold on and be patient. because from the looks of this world virgins/single people you're not missing anything!!! look at some of the relationships around you and on television, sex before marriage usually is cause for a disastorus outcome!!!!
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Wednesday 03 November
By CAgirl
being virgin is admirable to some. I've always been selective with sex partners. But if I had remained a virgin until 26, I'd have missed all that awesome, mind blowing and uninhibited sex that is possible only when you are 22 and the world s your oyster LOL. AND? If I'd known then what I know now? I'd have taken better advantage of the 70's...there was a golden era between the pill and AIDS. I'd have had more sex....And I'd still be smiling about it.
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Wednesday 03 November
By Theda
To all the commenters inferring that this article promotes pre-marital abstinence should note that the study doesn't state that just people who waited until they were married to have sex have stronger relationships, it includes people "...were seriously dating, engaged OR married".
My partner and I were together for a year before we slept together. We have now been together for eight years and going strong. As I am not a religious person, I don't see marriage as anything more than a legal status and in Australia a defacto couple have exactly the same legal rights as a married couple so I'm not sure I even see the point of getting married.
My partner and I share the same level of commitment, love and devotion as a married couple so we make love like a married couple :-)
I definitely think there is something to be said for taking relationships slowly and not just jumping into bed with the next person, but commitments come in many forms and marriage is just one.
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Thursday 04 November
By Janie
I think waiting is an excellent idea. I'm not religious or anything, and I've had sex before, and WOW the relationship didn't last. Now, I'm still "young", so I have my entire life ahead of me. I've been dating a guy, who is a little religious, and believes sex after marriage is better, and I've never been happier. Sure, sex feels great, but can you imagine establishing a relationship, and THEN having sex with somebody who REALLY loves you...now, that's got to be phenomenal. :D
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Saturday 06 November
By Beth
It is ludicris to try to apply one rule like this to everybody in every relationship.
As each couple is different and unique. Yes, it would be nice if this rule worked but it doesn't . My past life is proof positive of this fact.
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Sunday 07 November
By MnM
I so agree w/Janie. To have sex with some one who loves you is way phenomenal! That's an awesome perspective to share. People that I know of having sex before marriage get challenging outcomes. Kids, struggling, DRAMA & so forth! If your married and just so happen to have kids is way different than having a kids out of wedlock. I see so many men not taking care of their kids, and making more because of this, and some women having to live off the government. Women have to hold men accountable. Sex isn't every thing. You don't need it to survive.
I totally don't agree with David Cunningham's studies. You just try people out before you marry them? Disgusting.... Can we get back to the basics people? Teach your children to have respect for their bodies. There are kids raising kids out here....! Young girls listen to what these guys whisper and don't know that they have so much power in their hands. Men will only treat you how they see you treat yourself. How you act, the clothes you wear... This can be taken in many different directions... I just know of my friends having complications when having sex before marriage/committments. It's so overrated...
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Sunday 07 November
By Jen
I wouldn't say to wait until marriage because my husband and I waited two weeks from the time we met to have sex. Which was really great advice from my very best guy friend/cousin who had died a year before I met my husband. We are still very in Love with each other. I don't think it matters how long you hold off sex in a relationship. Just as long as its held off because I feel that you get a stronger and better sense of that person and your bond just gets stronger with the wait.
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Monday 08 November
By Denise
I always thought I would wait until I got married. I lost my virginity at age 19. Then I "experienced life" with several partners (safe sex always). I finally got to the point where my faith was important and I wanted to wait. So I decided to become a "born again virgin". When I met the man I ended up marrying, he seemed to be understanding. Looking back, almost too understanding. Sex in the beginning of our marriage was OK. But I learned many things that I now wish I had known before we were married. He didnt like kissing, or foreplay.. Sex was all about him, not about pleasing me. He never wanted it and I was lucky to get it on special occaisions. I know sex isn't everything, but the intimacy of sex is an important part of a marriage relationship. After 16 years of marriage, I found out that my now ex-husband was homosexual and was hiding behind our marriage. He is still not "out" but I got out of the marriage. At 41 years old I am trying to start over again and hope to find a partner that not only wants to be my friend, but also my lover. I still struggle with the premarital sex issue, but for me, I wish I did experiement with my ex.
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Thursday 18 November
By Christine
From what the linked article said (I confess, I didn't read the study, so yell at me if I'm wrong), this isn't very well done. I see nothing about them correcting for couples who cohabitated before marriage or afterwards. This could just be a rehash of the fact that couples who live together before marriage have more problems (reflected in the elevated divorce rate). Nothing new.
All the couples who waited until they were married to have sex are in the "waited" group. None of these couples cohabitated, so they're going to be skewing the results unless that's corrected for.
Even further than that - one of the exceptions to "if you live together before getting married" is that if it's her first live-in boyfriend. To the tune of having a lower divorce rate than average. Again, that's far more likely to be a couple that waited and took things slowly.
Now, you can argue that the relevant fact is waiting to have sex, not the ones that were already known, but it's hardly ground-breaking news for the public. More something that might give ideas for future studies for researchers in the field. Nothing more.
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Friday 28 October
By Jessica
This is a tricky thing. Waiting to have sex in order to get to know each other or just do it immediately?
I wish that it didn't matter but for some reason it does. Personally, I would like to have a commitment beforehand. Commitment is also hard to come by.
Recently, I was daing a guy. He was very physical with me from the get go. I didn't like how fast it was going so I decided that I didn't want to see him again. I talked to him after that and he was pissed off about what I did saying that I treated him like a toy and that I wasn't sure of myself.
All in all, I feel like I did something wrong. Maybe he was true but I don't think he was. He also kept saying that he was waiting for me (we have known of each other for a couple of years but have not seen each other in that time frame). I honestly don't understand why he was waiting for me since we never made any plans for the future.
Please tell me what you all think! I am very confused cause he keeps telling me bullshit!
JEssica
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