Perhaps your carefully crafted, papier-mâché Lil Wayne head was incinerated in a freak Crockpot fire. Perhaps you've had a crisis of conscience and you're not going for the low-hanging fruit of a Christine O'Donnell witch outfit. Perhaps your his-and-hers Crayola Crayon suits are on back order from the Lillian Vernon catalog. Whatever the case may be, the fact remains: It's the week of Halloween and you don't have a costume. You poor bastard.

Luckily, we've assembled this list of costumes that are as easy to put together as they are classic. (I don't go in for Halloween costumes based on trends or "what's hot," because I believe that fame killed Andre the Giant.)

These killer costumes require little more than a jaunt to your closet. (Or at the very most, a quick trip the drug store. Or a KFC.) As a bonus, we've included couples' Halloween costume ideas ... You know, if you're one of those horrible people who loves an opportunity to make lonely people feel bad about themselves when they're surrounded by buckets of miniature candy.

Happy Halloween, slackers!

Ellen Ripley
Essentials: Grey pants, wide suspenders, white tee, man's watch.
Bonus Items: Super Soaker–esque fake laser gun, grease smears (space is dirty!), cropped Sigourney 'fro.
Make It a Couple Costume: Depends! Does your boyfriend own a bolo tie? If he does, pat yourself on the back and make him go as Paul Reiser of the Future. Not fortunate enough to date a man who owns western wear? Spring for a blond wig from CVS and make him go as Newt.

Marla Singer (from "Fight Club," where else)
Essentials: Robert Smith makeup, thrift store outfit, smokes
Bonus Items: That spray-on hair dye that sucks for every other costume? Works great for Marla.
Make
It a Couple Costume: Some of us are lucky enough to date bipolar lunatics who regularly break bones or walk around with black eyes. If you're not, a shirt, a tie and some artfully applied mauve eye shadow can make a dude look like he mourns the Death of Men by punching them. You are Jack's proud girlfriend.

Annie Hall

Essentials: Tinted glasses, pearls, clunky boots, a long skirt, a blazer, a tie... Yeah, just put on everything in your closet and then garnish with a huge f**king hat. But, like, you know, own it.
Bonus Items: Sorry, did we leave something out?
Make It a Couple Costume: If for some weird reason you don't date a balding, nearsighted, excruciatingly nerdy dude, just put your boyfriend in a plaid shirt, buy him some Groucho glasses and rip off the mustache -- which you probably will anyway out of pure sexual frustration.

Frida Kahlo

Essentials: Mascara unibrow, mascara mustache, dangly earrings and a folksy, embroidered dress
Bonus Items: Stuffed monkeys
Make It a Couple Costume: Whip up a quick Diego Rivera with just a suit, some paintbrushes and lots of padding.
Wednesday Addams

Essentials: A plain black dress, plaits, pallor
Bonus Items: A Peter Pan collar, crossbow
Make It a Couple Costume: You could go obvious here with Pugsley, but we prefer Joel Glicker, Wednesday's omni-allergic camp boyfriend from "Addams Family Values." Just dress him like a asthmatic dork and add a homemade headdress.

Clementine Kruczynski
Essentials: A hoodie (preferably orange), fingerless gloves
Bonus Items: A hair color not found in nature. Apply your personality in a paste!
Make It a Couple Costume: Dress your boyfriend in corduroy and a parka for the Jim Carrey look. But if you happen to have a lab coat handy, why not inspire jealousy in every other woman at the party and show up with Tom Wilkinson on your arm?
Clarice Starling
Essentials: Big hair, power suit / white tee combo, your good bag and your cheap shoes
Bonus Items: FBI badge, squirt gun
Make It a Couple Costume: How cool is your boyfriend? Because, of course, you could throw him in some coveralls, hand him a bottle of Chianti and make a nice Dr. Lecter of him. But if your dude is more of the bring-him-home-to-Mom type, put some lipstick on him and feather his hair, and he'll be all the Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb he can be. Would you trick-or-treat with me? I'd trick-or-treat with me. I'd trick-or-treat with me so hard.
Margot Tenenbaum
Essentials: Eyeliner, a polo dress, smokes, one finger of a glove
Bonus Items: A severe bob and a fur coat
Make It a Couple Costume: Everybody does the twee Richie thing with the headband. But some of us date men who can't grow beards (happens to the best of us, ladies). So throw him in white hospital scrubs and tape his wrists up for that "just escaped psychiatric lockdown" look, or put him in a track suit as Chas Tenenbaum and MAKE OUT WITH HIM ANYWAY. It doesn't matter -- either way, incest is way romantic. Go, Mordecai!
Bernie
Essentials: A windbreaker, round sunglasses, a fake mustache, khakis
Bonus Items: Suspension of disbelief?
Make It a Couple Costume: This costume is great if you're in one of those polyamorous, Tilda Swinton-y relationships with more than one guy and you can force them to bond by dressing them as Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman. If you're monogamous (zzzzzzzzzzzzz), why not dress your full-time piece as Mobu, the Voodoo Queen who animated Bernie's undead corpse at the behest of a Bahamian drug cartel in "Weekend at Bernie's II"?
Buckethead
Essentials: Pretty much just the bucket
Bonus Items: You can dress this up with a guitar and a mask / white face paint, or a copy of "Chinese Democracy," if you want. But if not, no worries! You're Buckethead, human gift to Halloween procrastinators.
Make It a Couple Costume: Your boyfriend can go as Axl or Slash but he should be prepared to be single again by the end of the night, because every dude wants a piece of the girl who goes as Buckethead.


(Photos: Everett Collection, Getty)