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Four Loko may be off the market Four Ever, if the FDA has anything to say about it.

You may have dabbled in the FoLo, or just heard of the energy-drink-cum-alcoholic beverage on "Good Morning America" or CNN this week (after a bunch of students at Central Washington University who thought they'd been roofied turned out to have just been heavily Four Loko'd).

For the uninitiated: Four Loko takes its name is from its "four" main ingredients: alcohol and the stimulants caffeine, taurine and guarana. It ranges from 6 percent to 12.5 percent alcohol, making it what Alex Trebek might refer to as a "potent potable." It's been aaaaalllll over the news for potentially inebriating college students within an inch of their dumb lives, although the company claims that, when enjoyed responsibly by people of legal drinking age, their product poses no health threat.

Let me say this: I've had a Four Loko, and I don't get what all the buzz is about. (Ha! see what I did there?) I am A-OK with the unholy marriage of alcohol and stimulants, because I'm practically a Libertarian anyhow and I think legal drugs are awesome. When they outlawed Sparks, another caffeinated alcopop, I briefly contemplated buying up my deli's stock and burying it in the backyard like a malt-liquor Collyer brother.

But could Four Loko be something more? Something REGULAR loco?

I decided to find out, sober readers, because that's how much I care about you.


First, I asked Google to ... INTUIT it for me. Google said:



OK, well, most of the stuff you're saying here could also be said about my favorite TV programs and fast food establishments, and I'm not going to give up eating Pintos and Cheese in front of USA Late Night anytime soon. This doesn't help much! I should have used AOL's impressive new search! (*SMILE DING!*)

Next, I asked Facebook.

Oh, Facebook. This is the Facebook wall for Four Loko. In its entirety.



"Fruit yunch": I think this says a lot, without saying much at all.

Of course, I had to ask Wikipedia, which is soliciting donations and at first said something smug and PBS-y about how I needed it and how I should give it money or something blah blah shut up and do my research for me, Wikipedia.



Go, Buckeyes! Well, this is a little more helpful. Like, who knew you could spell "Jaisen" like that? But now it's time to crowdsource. Sure, the Internet is great, but it can't compare to people when one is gathering information. Ha ha, just kidding, that's why I asked it first. I love you, Internet.

Anyhow, I shouted at a co-worker in the next cube, who heard me extolling the virtues of getting Four Loq'd and spoke up in vehement opposition. I was all "Why do you hate Four Loko so much, Co-workanonymous?"

And she was like



That's compelling, Anonymous Co-Worker. She agreed that it was, and in turn recommended that I check out a Tumblr of a noted enthusiast named Pilot Bacon.

Pilot Bacon has a lot to say about Four Loko, so I emailed her and asked her if she wouldn't give me a statement. She suggested I search her blog and Twitter. So I did.

Her Blog:


And then I did a general Four Loko search of Twitter. America, this is our youth:



Finally, I asked my friend, who I know reeeeeeeeally loves Four Loko. Like ... a lot. I know this because one time he drank three and danced around my apartment singing that Kanye song about douchebags. The irony was lost on no one. Here's what he had to say.



Photographic proof:



OK, so here's what we know about Four Loko:
• It is a drink that has alcohol and caffeine.

• It should not be consumed in excess.

• It may make you want to touch Ira Glass and/or Jason Sudeikis.

• It will make you fall asleep with your hand in a basket of kittens.

Please share your own experiences in the comments.

You can read more about Four Loko here, or enjoy this video, if you're diametrically opposed to reading.


Julieanne Smolinski is Lemondrop's articles editor. You can read more about her adventures in beverage drinking on Twitter.