Hungry for sex advice you can trust? Each week the resident sex experts at Good In Bed will answer your most pressing question. Go on, ask 'em anything.
Your Sex Question: I'm afraid to let a guy to go down on me because I've heard men don't like performing oral sex. Is it true?
What Ian From Good in Bed Had to Say:
This couldn't be further from the truth. As the author of "She Comes First
" (an entire book that's basically one long ode to the joys of cunnilingus), I can honestly say that the vast majority of men that I've spoken with (and I've had the chance to speak to thousands of 'em) take a gung-ho "viva la vulva" attitude when it comes to going down on their female partners.
In fact, many men complain that they're not the ones with the issue. As it turns out, many women, like yourself, worry that guys don't really enjoy going down, or you worry that you're taking too long, or that your smell/taste might be unappealing. Many women also have a low sense of genital self-esteem, and feel like their vulvas are not necessarily their most attractive feature.That's why I have an entire chapter in "She Comes First" entitled "the Cunnilinguist Manifesto", in which I remind men that, "Only by inspiring trust will you lull a woman into a deeper, more instinctive zone of the self, a place where she can shed all inhibition and surrender herself to the soft warm wetness of the tongue.
To that end, the Three Assurances of the Cunnilinguist Manifesto are as follows:
• Going down on her turns you on; you enjoy it as much as she does.
• There's no rush; she has all the time in the world. You want to savor every moment.
• Her scent is provocative, her taste powerful: It all emanates from the same, beautiful essence."
These days almost all heterosexual porn includes some de rigeuer cunnilingus, so most guys will usually dive in (pun intended) and don't have to be asked. The bigger problem is that so many guys use porn-style cunnilingus moves and make like a cobra defending itself from a mongoose. One woman complained of her guy's oral-sex style, "It's like the running of the bulls in Spain -- a mad stampede for my clit."
So, rather than worry that a guy might not be into going down, instead focus on how to give him constructive feedback. Let him know what feels good and what doesn't. It's always OK to tell a guy to be gentler, or to slow down, or to keep doing what he's doing – we tend to get a little over-excited.
If you have a guy who's a little shy, you can always tell him that you had a sexy dream about him, and when he asks you what you dreamed about, be sure to include some long-lasting cunnilingus in your description. But if your guy needs a little nudge, then give him one. Literally. Gently push his head in a southernly direction during foreplay. And if he is one of those "bad men" who likes to get more than give, or has some old-school ideas about feminine hygiene, then it's time to set him straight. He needs to know that the vagina is a self-cleaning eco-system, and that when it comes to female orgasm, the tongue is mightier than the sword.
Ian Kerner, PhD, is a sexuality counselor and New York Times bestselling author of numerous books for Harper Collins, including "She Comes First" and "Love in the Time of Colic." He appears frequently on the "Today" show and CBS's "Early Show" and lives his wife and two boys in New York City. He holds advanced degrees from New York University and is certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. For more about Ian, see Good in Bed.