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Often I think to myself, You know what, [Redacted]? You're a really simple guy with very basic needs. Congratulate yourself with some beer.

So I do, because I am. There are so few things I really want or need from a woman. And some people think that's why I haven't found one.

I've had countless friends ask me (for the purposes of setting me up, or out of frustration that the "plus one" I bring to their parties is a bottle of Old English 800 smuggled into my sport coat) what exactly I'm looking for in a girl. Some have even gone so far as to suggest that I list my ideal qualities in a girl so as to have less horrible luck finding one.

But you know what? I don't have ideal qualities.

Look, all I'm looking for in a girl is one I'm attracted to who likes me. I'm not asking for much here. I'd love a gal who I can talk to about books and movies and how there should be a Geneva Convention exemption to torture people who ride their bicycles on the sidewalks ... But I'd take one who couldn't if there was Something Between Us.

Theoretically, this seems like I should be dating more women. But I'm not.

I don't require that a woman be some kind of perfect combination of smarts and looks and poise. Could she even be a bit of a party animal, and happen to have a slightly sketchy alcohol intake and occasionally lose entire Sundays afternoons to Netflix and bong rips? A bit of a dork? A bit of a ne'er-do-well? Yes, she could. This is how unbelievably laid back I am about this.

Guys? Maybe I'm too easy.

What I'm Supposed to Care About and Don't
I know that there are a bunch of things I should look for in a woman and don't. For instance, I really don't care about a girl's background. Do I care if she went to college? If she gets along with her family? Barely. Would it be great to meet a sharp girl who gets along really well with her mom and her dying billionaire father? Sure. Call me shallow, but these things just don't seem to matter to me.

Do I care about her job? Nope. If we had the right spark, I wouldn't care if a girl worked the graveyard shift mopping floors at Arby's because she loved the coveralls. You know all I require from a woman, ambition-wise? Enough will to be nice to kids and animals and strangers, and to have hair that has that girl-hair smell.

I know that people like to keep these checklists of what they want in a person -- financial savvy, green eyes, the ability to maneuver a futon up and down the stairs during a move without scratching the faux birch. Maybe I should have one of these lists, but for me, anything else on top of chemistry is gravy. If that's there, it doesn't matter if you have the most basic math and dressing and job skills. As long as you have breasts and the ability to have multiple orgasms and we have chemistry, I'm registering us at Crate & Barrel.

So why can't I find it?

Perhaps I Should Be More Specific
I know what you're thinking: Come on, [Redacted]. You know what you want in a woman. But I'm telling you right now, all I actually want, if you're forcing me into specifics, is maybe one who likes to laugh and who, I don't know, likes music. I'm that easy. I'm just a regular guy out there looking for a woman to dote on. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I've got the capacity to dote in me.

I guess maybe the problem is that I've just become so stridently OK with being single, and I like the same thing in a girl. When did it become too much to ask for a woman who is independent? A woman who enjoys her alone time and is not looking for someone to "complete" her and maybe has similarly relaxed standards in what she wants in a guy?

I'm asking you all because you're women and you tend to make these lists of what you're searching for like the children did in "Mary Poppins." But even though men and Internet commenters may act like they're looking for some perfect amalgam of a La Perla model and Blizzard Entertainment employee, ask any man and he will tell you that his number one requirement in a woman is that she is "nice."

Any man who says anything else is lying or a sociopath. This is what I ask for: a nice, funny girl whom I wouldn't mind seeing without clothes.

Tell Me What I'm Doing Wrong Here
It's become such a problem that I'm wondering if my lack of standards isn't actually my problem. It's almost funny how little I require to be content with a gal. So could this be what's screwing me over in the end? Like when you're so hungry that you can't decide what you want, so you just go to Subway and then you're like, Why did I do this? This bread tastes like it's made out of a Korean newspaper.

Because really, even if you ask me to dig deep and come up with a list of essential qualities, I'll go with smart, funny and likes to have sex with me. Just a gal who digs ABC's new lineup and asking if I've read the new Franzen and dressing up in a lady cop costume with a removable crotch flap.

And maybe one who will promise to never, ever read this column.


[Redacted] Guy is the resident single guy writer at Lemondrop. He owns a first-edition copy of Judy Blume's "Then Again Maybe I Won't," around which he has based his life.

Send him hate mail and love letters here, and follow him on Twitter.