Lemondrop

Last night we all pointed our little remotes at the final episode of season four of the Mad Mens. When I saw the "Tomorrowland" title, the mind reeled. Would the agency do advertising for cyborgs? Had Bert Cooper retired to Disneyland? All of that happened, as well as some events that caused me extreme mental distress and anguish. I rubbed a rosary all night praying certain parts are an elaborate dream sequence to be reveled next season. Here's hoping Jon Hamm starts season five by staring right into the camera and saying, "Just joshing!" Ay dios mios, let's recap.

Sleep Tight
Don's vulnerably tucked into bed when someone comes in. I was worried it was part of the Roger Sterling crime wave, but, no, it's just Focus Group Faye. She's gives him a lil' pep talk and tells him to embrace his true identity, which is how we should all be woken up. He's off to California with the kids, and tells Faye he's going to miss her, and by miss her he means, "I'm going to screw Megan again." Back at the office, Joan's pushing around the mail cart, and, perhaps, there's someone else along for the ride if you know what I'm saying (I'm saying an unaborted fetus). Lane's got a special delivery just for Joanie (I know that sounds sexual, but it's not) -- she's promoted! And it's the kind of promotion where you don't get any money, which is really the best kind because all that just sullies the whole honor and joy anyway. Don goes to the American Geriatric Society (because only old people care about cancer? That board was ancient.) and dazzles. He comes back to the office with a special task for Kenny Cosgrove. Why doesn't he go talk to Alex Mack's dad about one of those olds he knows giving them oodles of poodles of money? Kenny C, like Meat Loaf, "will do anything for love, but he won't do that." Unlike Pete Campbell, he won't sully his love for A-Mack with her pop's biz-nass (meanwhile Pete has his "oh no you didn't" face on).

Drink fancy scotch, you've got standards.

It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday
Things are being packed up at the former Draper compound and Creeper Glen has come to say goodbye. Carla's unsure if she should let him up because of his serial killer face, but something about his little inklings of a mustache leads her to believe she can trust him. Even though I believed this Glen's reappearance at the season's beginning was only going to cause terror and bloodshed, Sally and his friend/lovership is actually precious. Glen says he's going to visit her when he can drive in a few years, and they can send each other postcards, and then in 40 years time they can play Farmville on the Facebook. They hug and he eyes her ponytail like he wanted to take it and wear it until they reunite. Instead, he runs downstairs and comes face to face with Betty. Glen gets his final dig in ("just 'cause your sad doesn't mean everybody has to be") and then Betty does her most reprehensible deed yet: She fires Carla! Without even letting the children say goodbye! While wearing plaid pants and a busy jacket! The horror! Of course, Carla was supposed to come to Cali with Don, so now he's screwed. Who's going to ride in the teacups with Bobby?

Pour one out for Carla.


California Knows How to Party
In the pit of my stomach I knew some of the events of this episode would happen, and I prayed I was wrong. I knew Megan was going to end up in California before you could say "plot twist." So when Don brought her to take care of the kids, and find a cosmetic dentist, I was none too surprised. Of course, Megan's doing adorable things, like teaching the children to sing the Canadian militia theme song (or whatever that was). Her Maria Von Trapp act will surely lead to another trip down the Double-D Lurve Channel, but if we must suffer this to see Don being super DILF-y and asking the kids to move him to his bed, we muddle through. Don takes the kids to Anna's house, and Bobby asks dumb questions, while Sally cuts straight to it and asks who Dick is. Don listens to whatever conscience he has (and Faye) and responds that that's him, sort of. Progress, people. Anna leaves Don her engagement ring (or his engagement ring, in theory and lie-land). Maybe he'll give it to Faye! Or to Midge so she can sell it for heroin! Slutphanie spouts wisdom about how their whole lives are ahead of them, which maybe makes me think I liked her all along (or that's just Megan-proxy making her look good). After some deep thoughts, Don goes swimming with the whole family -- even though Gene is still confused about who Don is. That evening, Megan comes in with her gal pal to showcase their L.A.-clubbing outfits for the Whiskey A-Go-Go. (Sally's like, "I've been twice. The DJ kind of sucks.") Don seems all too excited to know the gals are going out, and I immediately break into cold sweats.

Drink the whole minibar then leave your kids in the room alone to go clubbing. Or don't! DON'T!
Ya Burnt
Old Man River is trying to look youthful by drinking a beer while wearing a flannel shirt. You're not tricking me! He's pissed Betty fired Carla, because who is going to give him his sponge baths. Betty's so atrocious she won't even give Carla a letter of recommendation, though that's probably because Betty doesn't know how jobs work. Then OMR says something so amazing I had to rewind it twice just to be doubly sure he did. Betty asks why he isn't on her side and then he says, "NO ONE'S EVER ON YOU SIDE." True facts. Betty has to lie down on Sally's bed to cope.

Drink three beers because that zing warrants it.

Hotel California
Back at the hotel, Don knocks on Megan's door, because he doesn't want to turn on the TV to wake the kids. But Megan's like, "Well, there's nothing's on the teevee." At first I thought that was a horrible line, but then I remembered this was the '60s, so it probably would just be them laying there watching the end of the night signal. Megan had a horrible time at the Whiskey A-Go-Go because her friend made fun of her teeth. (At least I'm not the only one saying it!) But, of course, Don loves her teeth. (Really? Stop, flip my previous comment and reverse it. I need to go have someone punch me in the face so Double D will love me.) Then they have sex! The music cues that this is supposed to be romantic and not regrettable, which is upsetting. They stare at each other in bed, and then Don asks her for a date the next time the children fall asleep. He goes back to his room and tells the kids that whole time he was at the ice machine, but then he waited for them to make fresh ice, but then the ice melted on the way back, so he left the bucket outside. Bobby believes it, because he's Bobby.

Drink some post-coital O.J. and have a French-Canadian croissant at the complimentary breakfast

Silk Stockings
Harry Crain becomes more of a creeper every day. He actually runs, like at a healthy pace, to talk to this model that's hanging out with Lezbot Joyce in Peggy's office. But the model's not just there for H.C.'s lecherous enjoyment, there's a plan afoot. If this little hot piece got fired from her job because the agency got fired from the job, that means someone needs an agency. Dots were connected and before you know it Pegs is there to sell the pantyhose folks some ads with Kenny C. Kenny C isn't the best salesman, but Peg works her magic explaining that everyone loves Topaz hose because you can wear them with your sportiest and formalist looks, like you're tennis ball gown and your floor-length beaded ball gown. Pegs and Ken G get the account and do a precious hug and then Ken fixes his hair because he's a smooth operator.

Drink a vodka tonic while wearing sporty pantyhose.


He Went to Jared (or His Fake-Dead-Wife's Estate Sale)
At the diner from "Pulp Fiction," Megan lets Gene wear a dress and Sally spill a milkshake, offenses for which Betty would have caused the LA Riots years in advance. Don's little cogs start turning -- how can this French-Canadian lady be so not frigid and child-abusive? Flash-forward to Megan in Don's NYC bed, and the cogs continuing to turn. Don starts talking and I swear my vision went black except for the TV. He feels like himself, and he loves her, but how much time has elapsed, and oh Mother Teresa, he's got Anna's ring, and he's proposing. Don says did you ever think of the number of things that had to happen for me to get to know you. Let's count them:

1. Megan was born
2. Megan was kicked by a horse, and had to forge a life as an American secretary to cope
3. Miss Blankenship died
4. Matthew Weiner had to rip out Kim Moreau's heart "Mortal Kombat"–style to create this unholy alliance

Megan calls her mother and tells her in French that the devious plan is finally complete (at least that's how Babelfish translated it). They go back to the office and tell everyone. Roger doesn't know who Megan is, while Joan's all shit-eating smiles, and then Peggy's like, "Ex-squeeze me? A-baking powder?" Don's explains that he loves Megan because she has same spark as Pegs, which makes Pegs terrified. They hug awkwardly, and for a second I thought they were going to smooch, but thankfully, MW didn't pull that stunt.

Drink vodka until you think you can see that special spark in Megan. Note: I'm still drinking.

THE GREATEST SCENE IN THE HISTORY OF "MAD MEN"

If there was an excuse of this hellacious turn of events, it was to create this vignette between Peggy and Joan. I suggest you go to iTunes or your DVR or just drive to the AMC offices and watch it for the remainder of the day. Oh, the joyous GIFs that will be created of this scene. Oh the pleasure of seeing Joan say, "Whatever could be on your mind?" when Peggy opens the door. The smoking. Joan's matching earrings and pen. The laughter. The smoking. The use of the word "bullshit." Thanks for at least giving us this M.W. Oh, also, Joan's still preggers and pretending it's Frying Pan Head's baby. Too bad that child will never meet his fake father because he's guaranteed to die at Vietnam.

Drink a martini -- there is still some good in the world.


That'll Be One Ocean Poop for You
I need everyone to total-recall the moment earlier in the season when we saw Faye breaking up with someone in the office phone booth. Because of this we know she's not going to take this Double D heartbreak lying down. So, when he finally nuts up to call her, she's like cut the coffee crap and give it to me now you asshat. Faye is half-crying, but she still manages to offer Don a great deal on space in The New York Times for his breakup ad. At this point, I was just wondering what horror would come next and we cut to Betty twiddling her thumbs in the empty Draper compound waiting for something. She plays it off like she's so confused, which is believable because she's Betty, but as they share a tiny cup of booze from the cabinet, you know it was a plan. Betty's ready to make her move when Don mentions he's engaged -- shutting down the idea of for old-times'-sake nookie (which really would have made amends for the whole episode for me). What joyous fun for Betty (and truly everyone)! Somebody's going to have a lot to talk about with the child psychologist next week.

Drink more booze from your Dixie cup -- it's ovah.

Wow. So I guess this is what happens when you leave New York. Next season will just be Don Draper's own production of "Equus," while the rest of the world reels. Overall, I thought the season was fatast-balls, but did anyone else think this whole Megan proposal just felt a little cheap? It's not surprising Faye and he didn't work, but did he really have to jump completely into this Megan fling? Though, I'm putting five bucks down that they never get actually married. Five bucks and my own life. Here's to hoping I win that bet.

Also, thank you guys for reading this season. It's been good times a-go-go and wonderful to hear your comments and kind words. I'll be playing with my Joan sock puppet until we meet again.