Lemondrop

Oh noes! We're only one episode away from finding out what's in the hatch -- no wait, I'm sorry-- from the season-four finale of "Mad Men."

Back on message: These yokel writers Matthew Weiner's got just keep getting better. Last night's episode was incredible, no doubt because it heralded the return of an oldie but a goodie ... Midge! But not all cameos are good (suffice to say Midge is going to be a huge Velvet Underground fan in a few years). Let's chat it out.

Beans Don't Need to Be Funny
We open on Don meeting with Mr. Ketchup King. There's a lot to learn here about how pickles are funny, and beans are funny but not "buy me" funny, and how food is cyclical, like you eat it and then you need more. Don's really laying it on like canned beans (you're right sir, beans aren't funny), but Mr. Bean is cautious. He wants Don to call him in six months if Don even exists in six months. Back at the office the chatter is that the agency should really get back together with their boyfriend-type, tobacco. Philip Morris is making some lady cigarettes so they need to go listens to P.M.'s interests to woo them. Then there's a groovy (because the music told me so) montage of everyone being stressed about how the company is going under. I'd be annoyed by the employment of such a technique, except it was amazing, mainly because K-Gosgrove was so stressed he made a Jane Fonda reference!

Smoke a whole back of your boyfriend's while thinking of great bean ideas

See You Later, Alligator
What is up with Gene's aging process? He's now 35 and a drummer, even though we've seen him twice. Also, Sally is wearing lederhosen, no doubt because Betty dresses her thematically out of spite. Sally is growing up so she wants to eat adult food with Betty and Henry, and then secretly poison him at adult dinner. (Not worth the effort, kid, he'll croak from natural causes soon enough). Also, not plausible because Henry would eat way earlier than all of the kids. Sally and Glen are lovers in love though, and he's laying all come hitherish in his football uniform, talking with Sally about how easy psychiatrists are to fool. Not me, Glen, I know there is no way you are on the football team. But their romance isn't all bad: He makes an amazing crack about Betty not liking kids, so his personality is winning. Winning for a would-be serial killer?

Have some of Glen's bottled backwash


Where Are You Going With So Much Purpose?
MIDGE! Oh have I've missed your wit. She's just hanging out in the lobby of Don's building, being precocious, gently swaying back and forth and making jokes about Don. I'm so conflicted. I love Midge the most, but now I want Double D to stop whoring about. They go back to her apartment to dine with her husband and be boho, because that's what Midge does best, but it's not all good times. Midge's husband offers Don her body if he'll buy one of her paintings (which note to the props department -- couldn't you have made these a touch better? Midge's "after" image looks like it came from Z Gallerie). But espionage is afoot. On this special episode of "Intervention," Midge does a little awkward dance with her sweater and admits she's addicted to heroin, so she tracks down Don for Chicken Cordon Bleu money. She describes heroin as having whiskey tits, or something, which makes me think I never want to do heroin, but then the entire vignette is so heart-breaking I had to do heroin to deal. Between her playwright husband using 10$ to wrap heroin needles in cheese, Midge rubbing Don's thigh while he gets out his checkbook, her saying heroin dealers don't accept checks, and then Don saying it doesn't really matter if her paintings are good, my heart just exploded as a result of pain and suffering.

1,000 bottles of whiskey while someone tongues your body

Got any sanity?
Sally's doctor is using the same Go-Fish deep-thought technique Toby used on "The Office" the other week, which shows us the parallels between Sally and Michael Scott. Sally's making non-crazy leaps and bounds. Her psychiatrist is so very proud of her ability to not smoke too many cigarettes with Glen Coco or masturbate in public that Sally can start going to ballet again. Betty on the other hand, is not allowed to play cards, and might need to go see an adult psychiatrist. Bets doesn't understand why because she is a child, so she decides to continue to seeing the child psychologist on the condition that they play Old Maid next week.

A vodka tonic, but in a sippie cup because you are a child

The Smell of Desperation
Just like a real boyfriend, cigarettes stand SCDP up. It seems the entire meeting was a ruse, so everyone is mean to poor Murray and even meaner to Harry Crain. The agency peons are eavesdropping (that office has the thinnest walls, note to entrepreneurs) and preparing to be sacked. Lane thinks the partners needs to chip in $100K to support the office for six more months. Aside: How are they making so much money in the sixties? I won't make that much money ever and now $1k isn't even enough to buy chicken cordon bleu and heroin! Pete is being extra smarmy about the money, since Trudy's nighties don't buy themselves. Don talks to Peggy who's freaking out, but her solution is to change their name to "Successful Ad Agency You Want to Hire." She tells Don they should change the conversation, but the only conversation he's hearing is panic. Pete goes home to the giraffe paintings and still-carrying-the-baby-weight Truds who freaks out! She is so atrocious it's incredible -- what a match made in smarmy people heaven.

Drink something cheap -- your wages are garnished

The Thinker
It seems Sally's an atheist, and an astute one at that. She notices that the Land O' Lakes Indian gal is on an infinite loop holding butter after butter after butter, which saddens her deeply. That's a commentary on Native American politics, Sally. She and Glen continue to be philosophical together, and she promises that next time she'll bring him her Fritos and they can talk more about mortality. But it seems there is no time for chips and existentialism because Betty drives as Sally's off to tryst in town. Upon confronting the young lovers, Glen runs away, which proves he does not play football because he ran like an asthmatic girl. Betty tells Sally she's not going back for her bike (cruel), and to stay away from Glen, though she doesn't explain that it's because he likes to watch girls urinate and make hair dolls for them. At dinner, Bets decides the family will move away, forcing Sally to go cry with her lanyard of love. There's no way Sally and Glen could make long-distance work. He would be so exhausted from the running to another neighborhood.

Drink the two Cokes Glen wasted by tossing them aside to run faster

Care Bear Stare
Don gets up to throw away Midge's painting but instead he stares deeply into it for eons, waiting for the boat to appear. He goes to his journal, rips up all the written pages and starts anew (I used to do that too, Don, that's why no one will ever know how I really felt about Nick Tolson). In the painting he sees the rough draft of a New York Times missive about how he's quitting tobacco advertising, because tobacco just makes people addicts (this is where he and I's journaling paths diverge). Everyone freaks out at SCDP because they are dumb-dumbs and don't get that it's an ad-inside-a-column-inside a Land O' Lakes box (I think). Then Robert Kennedy calls, utilizing a Boston-accent-for-actors tape. And it turns out that Chief Wiggum/Bobbie is actually Teddie Shaw making fun of poor Don. This is enough drama for Burt Cooper to get his shoes and quit. NOOOOOO! Don summons Peg-a-leg, who believes for sure she's getting fired. But Don's just like, "umm, you didn't say anything about my letter." And Pegs says, "i thought you didn't go in for those kind of shenanigans." Awww, Peggy and Don get each other. P&D 4 eva 4 life.

Drink some celebratory scotch -- like Michael Jackson, you are not alone
What's in the box?!
Repercussions: Letters to The New York Times have them. FGF has to resign because her company needs money from nicotine, but she didn't resign from Don's mouth-kisses. Her not working there means they can be open, which means Don will lose interest. This is so exciting for everyone but Megan! FGF goes to say bye to Peggy, and aww, Peggy and Don like the same things. Peggy thinks FGF is an awesome example of female empowerment and wants to be besties with her, but FGF doesn't want to get drinks and write the Vagina Dialogues with her. Meanwhile, The American Cancer Society actually wants to work with SCDP, but everyone says "you can't eat prestige." You can, it's just really salty. It's time for the firing to begin, which has the Roger Sterling quip generator working overdrive. Pete's worried about paying, his money, but then it turns out baller-shot-caller already paid Pete's share (Again, seriously? Does Don not pay taxes because of the identity thing? Does Bobby have a Justin Bieber–like career we haven't heard about?). We end with a sort of "Up in the Air"-firing montage, and then George Clooney comes out with a wheelie suitcase full of Don's money.

Drink a Manhattan because you can afford it

Whew, lots happened, none of which was Don getting hooked on heroin (don't say you didn't think that was going to happen for a second), which was good, but our finale preview was even less helpful than usual. They didn't even bother to show us single lines and sound effects from the future -- it was just fractions of moments from this season. Seriously? Next time just use this to string together 20 or so seconds of information. How am I supposed to go a week on absolutely no clues!? Damn you, M.W., damn you!