OK, Internet. I know you're tired of sex scandals involving beloved sports heroes and the skanky women they send their nudie pics to but -- wait, what's that? You're not? OK, good. You scared me for a minute.
So. Just in case you've fallen a little behind on your Favrernecking, allegations surfaced last week on Deadspin
that Minnesota Vikings QB and human Wheatie Brett Favre
had kinda sorta been harassing former Playboy model and "sideline personality"
Jenn Sterger back in '08. The site published a series of voicemails and pictures purportedly sent to the lady from the Favre Bean, some of which were ... Favrerted
. (Have no idea who this Jenn Sterger chick is? Asylum.com knows her well -- they'll tell you
Now the NFL is investigating! Don't know what's going on? Feel lost, confused, and maybe a little excited about the eBay potential for your spittle-covered Favre Pillow Pal?
Well, never fear. Using Wikipedia
and, I don't know, maybe like Lycos or something, I'm going to attempt to deconstruct the whole *ALLEGED* mess for you. Hop aboard my sleazy search engine, friends! Let's break down this scandal like a symbolic snack cake in a collective stomach, churning with the frothy chyme of prurience!Oct. 10, 1969:
Brett Favre is born. (P.S.: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY, BRETT!)
Oct. 11, 1969
–Aug. 3, 2010:
America has torrid love affair with Brett Favre. People like Brett Favre because he is a quarterback and people like footballs and the people who throw them hard. He plays for the Green Bay Packers a bunch, and appears in a Chris Elliott movie
in which thousands of us subsequently discover there is such a thing as him. He retires in 2008, then pulls a Bynes
and comes BACK, mysteriously choosing a team without
cool hats (the New York Jets) over a team with
cool hats (the Tampa Bay Buccaneers). Then he goes to the Minnesota Vikings (hats: acceptable).
During this period of time, Brett marries a lady named Deanna. They have two daughters named Brittany and Breleigh (really!), one of whom ALSO has a baby, which makes Brett a grandpa. Deanna is diagnosed with cancer in 2004, but makes a full recovery.
Aug. 4, 2010:
Gawker sports site Deadspin posts an article called "Brett Favre Once Sent Me C*ck Shots': Not a Love Story
." It details Brett's alleged harassment of one Jenn Sterger
, 26-year-old former Jets sideline reporter, implant-haver and, from what we can gather, pro-bono cheerleader-type person
. The article suggests that Creepy Grandpa Brett repeatedly contacted Jenn via creepy voicemail and creepy MySpace messages, asking her to come hang at his hotel and generally being extra-creepy. In other news, somebody used MySpace after 2005.
Jenn -- who left her post with the Jets
in May of 2009 -- told the tale to Deadspin's A.J. Daulerio, who intimated that there were photos of "The Gunslinger" displaying his meager manhood and "masturbating while wearing Crocs
." Across America, legions of formerly devoted fans were like, "Breeeeeeeeeeeeeett! Crocs?" Deadspin noted that, while you can't see a face in any of these primitive sexts, whoever is spankin' it in the photos is wearing the same very expensive watch Brett once wore to a press conference. As Jenn was employed by the Jets at the time, this is what high school health-class videos have informed me is serious-ass sexual harassment
. Also, around this time, I drank a cocoa that was too hot and I got a little blister on the tip of my tongue.
Aug. 5, 2010
–Oct. 5, 2010:
The blister, and America, attempts to heal. Most of us are like, "Brett is a hero and a grandpa and neither of those take pictures of their penises."
Oct. 6, 2010:
A new Deadspin post suggests that team personnel -- specifically a guy from Jets P.R. -- may have helped facilitate the harassment
by sending an emissary to ask Jenn if she'd go out with Brett. That is some (alleged) middle-school sh**, Brett.
Oct. 7, 2010:
After months of America being all "pics or GTFO," Deadspin delivers the goods
. Or, should we say, the bads. The site posts the evidence in the form of a super-NSFW video that is basically a parade of stranger-dangery messages and wiener shots that would make most Craigslist weirdos reach for their kimonos in modesty. (And if the photos are indeed Brett, let's just say that he's no Mickey Mantle
.) A New York Post reporter asks Brett about the allegations and he issues the following non-denial
: "I'm not getting into that. I've got my hands full with the Jets." My tongue is pretty much back to normal at this point. Thanks for asking.
Oct. 8, 2010:
Deadspin publishes allegations from two more women
-- this time female massage therapists who allegedly worked for the Jets organization -- who claim that Farve was texting them "just nasty stuff." (We're going to go with "To me, you are perfect
.") NFL spokesman Greg Aiello tells The New York Times that the league is investigating the matter.
Oct. 10, 2010:
Minneapolis's Star Tribune reports that the investigation has been "fast tracked,"
and that it's believed that Farve is sad and tendinitis-y and suffering from inflammation. Funny, he didn't look like he was suffering too bad from inflammation in those photos. (Slide-whistle noise!)
Oct. 11, 2010–?
Brett allegedly apologizes to the Vikings for the "distraction" the scandal has caused
. (A+ for the workaround apology! Favre-felt!) Newspapers everywhere search photo banks with the keywords "Brett Favre frowning." Brett Butler prepares to supplant Favre as America's Favorite Brett.
So, there you have it–ish! We'll keep you posted as more horrible news of your idols breaks so you can reassess the sentimental value of your childhood collection of football cards accordingly. I am fairly certain that they make those.
What do you think, guys? Is Brett guilty of harassment, adultery and the unforgivable crime of letting down people in plastic hats with horns on them? Or is this girl just Favreing for attention?