Lemondrop

Things got heavy this week on "Mad Men." Secrets! Lies! Babies! Beatles! It was so intense I had to drink some Sleepytime tea afterward or I would have never gotten to bed. Please, come along as Pensive Pete and I commiserate about this high-stress episode.

Baby on Board
Well, that's a bang of an opening. It seems Joanie's got a bun in the oven -- and I'm not talking about that weird bread thing that was on Don's desk the other week. She's preggers! And it's not Frying Pan Head's! Roger's going to take care of it, of course, because it's the '60s, and that's what people do.

Vodka and cigarettes -- it's not like you're keeping it

World's Best Dad(s)
Matthew Weiner dips into fantasy briefly as we see Betty doing something domestic. Don is trying to win Sally's love by taking her to to see the Beatles. And even Betty knows this is adorable. Lane tries to prove he's also a cool dad by buying his child a giant stuffed Mickey Mouse and enough balloons for his son to try to Up-himself out of America. But ruh-roh -- it's not his son waiting in reception (unless this is a "Benjamin Button"–type deal), it's his dad, who has come to bring him back to London and the arms of the Queen, and fish and chips, and his wife. Lane asks Don to come to dinner as a buffer, which he does because Don's the best now. Of course, "dinner" seems to be staring at broads at the Playboy Bunny club. It seems Lane has his eye on one of the brown bunnies. He gets a little handsy with her, which is awkward since his father and Don are watching, but I guess you're already at a strip club with your father and coworker so the awkward threshold is really out the window, eh?

Three whiskey sours


Threat Level Orange
North American Aviation is at the office working out things for an ad campaign about planes and secrets and bombs and things. It's all very hush hush and slightly ridiculous. It must be intense because some special agents show up to interview Betty. It seems Double D's foray into American government means he needs to pass some security checkpoints. They really only want to know if he's a Commie, but since he's lying about his identity and what-not, Bets is going to need her cigarettes. She calls Don to let him know she's perjury-ing for him, and Jon Hamm is such an incredible actor he immediately starts sweating-like loads. He thanks her, and surprisingly, she's only marginally awful. They hang up and Don flips out. Megan, being not as wise as Ms. Blankenship, had him sign the government form without telling him, "Hey Cool Joe, you need to read this, it's from America, might be important." Don tells Pete he needs to handle this because Don signs forms without looking at them ("because that's what I do"), and he did so well disposing of the Blankenship body this should be no prob.

Scotch until you can't remember your true identity

Someone's Getting Evicted
To handle their business, Roger and Joanie go to a business handling doctor who gives them lots of sass about the fact that somebody's getting evicted. Roger and Joan go back to the old people restaurant of their last tryst discussing their childcare options. Roger says he might love her. What if it's a sign? An accidental omen of love disguised as a bastard child. But Roger doesn't want to keep the baby, because then it would have started with the bastard child. But what if Frying Pan Head dies at war? Joan says that isn't a solution, but we like to think it is, because then we wouldn't have to hear his annoying raspy voice again. Joan is super strong about the whole thing. She doesn't even ask Roger to drive her to the abortion clinic, because she's a pro at this by now. She and Peggy should really chat; we think she could stay pregnant and sell the baby to some Ginger fetishists who are looking for a witty child. You know that kid would be lippy as all hell if it came from Roger and Joan.

Have a Bloody Mary -- the vitamins are good for the baby

Lie to Me
Everyone else is dealing with Don's secrets. Betty tells Old Man River about the FBI because she doesn't want him to take any secrets to the grave when he dies next week. Pete pouts at home until Trudy comes out comically preggo and dressed as a cupcake liner. Pete's all depressed because he's not cool with people living lives full of secrets and dragging everyone else around. I have a long stance of pro-Peteness, but he was so unbearably sanctimonious about this whole thing I could not follow along. Sure it's a big money account, but it's not like you don't have skeletons in your closet Campbell (little Peggy-baby-shaped skeletons), so who are you to judge? Just calm down Petey boy, at least you have a closet of incredible pajamas. Don calls his accountant to set up some sort of Betty-controlled money trust in case things get real bad. His accountant reminds Don that perhaps he should be boning Megan, since she's sups attractive. If Weiner is trying to foreshadow this I just wish it would actually happen already, I'm real sick of hearing about how this should be happening with them.

Sleepytime tea all around


Abort Mission
Joanie's really extra pretty this episode. Perhaps because she has a fake pregnancy glow about her or perhaps because they keep putting her in Barbie fuchsia, but whatever it is, it's working. At the shmashmortion clinic, Joan's waiting her turn with a mother who's handling her child's indiscretions. The woman and Joan start gabbing since the number one place to make lady friends is at an abortion clinic. Then overheard at my apartment: What if you were Joan and you always knew the right thing to say? It's true. She's super smooth when her new friend doesn't realize Joan's the one playing landlord to an accident. Meanwhile Roger's got another mess to deal with. He went to eat with Lee from Lucky Strike and oh no! Lee buys his meal because this is a break-up meal! Lucky Strike is leaving SCDP, essentially killing the agency. Roger convinces him he needs 30 days before he tells anyone. So he goes back to the office and starts drunkenly calling potential clients while wearing his thinking glasses. Oh brother.

A martini and your heart attack medicine -- this is rough.

The Brown Bunny
What's this? Lane is in love with this Chocolate Bunny! He's not just a lecherous creep who comes into the club a lot, he's her boyfriend. She calls him dashing! So he has his dad over to meet the Brown Bunny Tony, but it seems Lane's pop is not so approving. He tells her to hop along to dinner because he's too old to eat after 4 pm. Then when she's gone, Lane accuses his dad of being racist and Lane's dad whacks him in the head with his cane! Like super hard! Bleeding everywhere hard! His British dad is super-non-accepting of his bi-country lifestyle, and he better get back to the London Bridge before he can say the Queen's English. Why is his dad so insistent about him coming to England? I know they don't have Skype yet, but Jesus, he can write y'all letters.
Some of Roger's aspirin -- you probably have a headache

Don't Panic
FGF comes to visit Don at the office, at which point he apologizes for being AWOL. She's like, "Bro you're sweating a ton, let me take you home." In the hallway of his apartment, the Men in Black are there asking questions about UFOs and he freaks out. They aren't there for him, but it's too late, he's in full panic attack mode. They go inside and Don reminds Focus Group Faye that's she's only qualified to diagnose which type of pantyhose women like and not heart attacks. He then throws up, because that's what he does now. We hoped this would mean the return of his cute vomit shirt, but alas, it seems he was a bit neater this time around. FGF stays with Don and tries to make him feel better. Don's tired of running-so he tells Faye the truth about the war and his identity and all. She wants him to get a lawyer. He can plead for clemency! Then they decide to just spoon the entire legal mess away. They're in so love. FGF is like a bionic Betty. All the blond, the better parts of the sass, and now with added emotion and smarts!

Post-sex Sunkist and turkey wrap minus the sex

Life Goes On
The next morning Pete arrives for breakfast burritos at Don's, forcing FGF to do the walk of shame around him. Note: this was incredible. Pete is full of piss and vinegar: It seems Don hasn't yet been found out, so if they drop the whole thing now they're safe. Out four millie, but safe. Joan tells Roger she nipped that little problem in the bud, and he's all like, you're beautiful now that your uterus is empty. Pete tells everyone he bumbled the North American Aviation account as a cover for Double D, causing Roger to lash out at him. Bert makes him apologize though, so no matter. Lane announces he's taking a two week leave of absence to go across the pond, and he leaves immediately -- like puts his hat on at the meeting and says, "Pip, pip, cheerio, bye." Roger doesn't tell anyone about Lucky Strike, because the theme of this episode is secrets. FGF comes to check on Don because they're in love. Then Megan comes in to give DD the Beatles tickets to make up for the government thing she thinks is her fault. Then she's like it's eight o'clock can I go home, but is it, Matthew Weiner? Because it looks like 2:30 by the lighting you're using -- why you so crazy? Megan puts on some lipstick in front of her desk oddly, which means Don has to look at her and figure out why he isn't screwing her. Don't even Don! FGF and you are mfeo, don't screw this up.

Water-- you lost a lot from all the stress sweats

Whew, that was exhausting. What'd you think, Lemondroppers? Too many secrets? Too easy to get an abortion? Too cliché that they ended the episode with the Beatles' "Do You Want to Know a Secret"? I really hoped it would end with Don dancing to "Octopus's Garden" instead, even though I know that's not the appropriate timing. Ringo 4Eva.