We are gathered here today to lay to rest some of the hardest-working, most tired "boy moves" that men have pulled in the history of dating.
These lame and predictable maneuvers have been driving women insane for centuries, and after all this time, we women have decided to tell you a little something: We're on to you.
We know these moves, we know what they mean (and what they actually mean), and we know that they're specially designed to make us feel crazy. We're done with them. Let us bow our heads for these top five most obnoxious boy moves, which I am hereby proclaiming to be dead on the battlefield.
"My life is just really complicated right now."
This gem is one that we still seem to swallow despite the fact that it means absolutely nothing. Complicated? Like a jigsaw puzzle? Like you're busy operating on babies? Or like you don't really want to stop doing whatever you're doing to see the movie I want to see? I see. Instead, just try saying "I don't want to be your boyfriend." We're grown-ups, we can handle it."You're upset by this? Well, maybe we shouldn't date if I upset you so much."
Way to burn the forest down, big daddy. When two people are in any sort of relationship, from the barista and coffee addict to married couples, they're going to have conflict. Pretending that conflict is a relationship deal-breaker under the guise of not wanting to hurt you is a boy move designed to keep you from voicing any emotions other than joy or sexual ecstasy. Thank goodness it's dead now.
"Yeah, I just ran into Joanna. You remember her, my ex? She wants to have dinner tomorrow, so I'll do that while you're in class, I guess."
This is girlfriend-baiting. For whatever reason, sometimes guys want you to be jealous, and so things like this happen. What they want is for you to freak out and insist that you not meet Joanna. Short circuit this one by marking your territory in ways that don't confirm the stereotype that girls are jealous nutjobs.
"Maybe I'm just not cut out to be with someone. It seems like I just end up hurting people ..."
This move should be lit on fire in its casket just to ensure that it's actually not going to rear its ugly head again. The martyr move usually comes out of a boy's mouth after he does something horrid to you, and it's a perfect way to shift the attention from what he did to you comforting him and telling him he's a special wonderful snowflake. Hey buster, this is about you hurting me, not about you being bruised fruit.
"Oh yeah, I ended up getting a girl's number last night at the bar. Why, does that bother you?"
This one takes the taco, and it has a million faces. Essentially, the formula goes 1) doing something clearly outside of reasonable dating behaviors, 2) announcing said behavior casually, and 3) acting like we're crazy for reacting appropriately. I'm not even sending flowers for this one.
With these five boy moves being called out and terminated, we can now breathe a sigh of relief. In lieu of flowers, we can honor these fallen boy moves by no longer putting up with them. That means no crumbling when you hear "Are you being psycho right now?", no feeling guilty about having normal reactions to things, and no telling your girlfriends "I think he's just really afraid that he's falling in love with me." These moves survived throughout the ages because they worked, so let's not let them work anymore.
A moment of silence, please.
How many times have you heard these boy moves? Are you as tired of them as we were? Which ones did we forget?