Lemondrop

After last week's "Are You There God, It's Me MargDon" episode, we were feeling a little lukewarm. Was Don going to Doogie Howser our favorite show into turdsville? Of course not, stupids, which is why Matthew Weiner pulled out all the stops with an action-packed tour de force focusing on the females. Weiner, you dog you.

Sky Rockets in Flight
Let's be serious -- did anyone really believe Don was on a business call during the opening? Maybe it's just the natural undercurrent of sexual vigor in his voice, but I knew all along that he was trying to ear bone whoever was on the other end of that line. And I was right! Don cleared his schedule for him and Focus Group Faye to have workday sex. It's all happening people, as predicted here first, and also by anyone with eyes. Also, apparently Don's post-coital drinks of choice are tiny bottles of Coke or Sunkist. Back at the office Joan is feeling fussy, and gives Roger a load of sass. Why? Because Frying Pan–head is going to Vietnam! Oh, he could only stand less of a chance if they were fighting with woks, we know how he deals with cookware duels.

Chug a Sunkist, you just boned Double D

It's an Ambush
Lezbot Joyce has returned! Thank heavens. She just wants to have a casual drink with Peg-a-Leg, but wait, something is awry. Huzzah. It's a setup with that journalist Abe she kissed in the coat closet at the hipster party. Joyce runs off to play darts, and leave Peggy and pal to talk politics. Looks like Abe is even more into civil rights than his hat-wearing namesake. He doesn't understand how she could squander her talents shilling for evil corporations. We don't understand how he could wear that yellow turtleneck with a black jacket -- you, sir, look like a bumblebee. Then when Peggy starts talking about female empowerment, he's like "All right Peggy, we'll have a civil rights march for women, right after we have tiny computers/phones that play music." She splits, of course, only to find him at her office the next day clutching a love poem entitled, "Nuremberg on Madison Avenue." "The Bridges of Madison County" this ain't. Peggy's less than courted, and Abe tells her, "You're not supposed to be insulted, you're supposed to be flattered." Yes, after comparing her job to war crimes, we're always so endeared and turned on.

A scotch for every time a man compared you to a Nazi

Zombies Are Very Trendy Now
Zaniness! Zaniness! Zaniness! Can't anyone have a business meeting around here? Don's trying to sell some auto parts to the racist auto parts company, based on women loving men who work with their hands. The owner-brothers aren't really agreeing, and of course one of them has a hilarious stutter. Matthew Weiner just wants us to laugh! Then suddenly Sally's there. She ran away from home to see Papa Bear and to escape the clutches of Evil Betty and the Cryptkeeper Old Man River. Don calls Betty to lay down the law, but then Betty has the latest term abortion possible and says since it's so much fun to take care of Sally she'll just pick her up tomorrow. Don tries to go back to the meeting, but then it becomes "Weekend at Bernie's." Peggy goes to ask Ms Blankenship a question, but Blankenship is dead! Oh, Ida, we barely knew ye. Smart man he is, Don tells Joanie to cover her up with a blanket and get a man to move her, while he he finishes the meeting. Precious Pete (fixer of all things that he is) rolls Ms. Blankenship off to her final resting place in another corner of the office.

Pour a 40 oz. out for Ida

Children of the Corn
After wheeling Ms. B off, Don needs to get Sally out of there before Stanley manipulates her dead body to to the "Thriller" dance, so he asks Faye to bring her to the apartment. FGF obviously is nervous about the whole meet-the-kids business, and then becomes so endearingly awkward, it's incredible. She talks to Sally like she's a mentally challenged terrier. Don comes home hours later and FGF looks slightly terrified, so it's tricky to tell what exactly happened during their hangout. So then Don's like, "Sally, you can't run away," and Sally's like, "what's up, I'm not sorry, can you call Domino's?" And Don's like, "Fine, but no cheesy bread." Sally then asks Don a question: are you going to marry Focus Group Faye? She's very astute this one, Faye had his keys and knew she had peanut butter (though Don is right everyone has peanut butter, unless they are animals). Sally wants to live with Don forever, of course, since living with Betty is like living in a prison/retirement home. Don is so upset he goes to write in his journal again. But he can't, his sorrows are too heavy for him to lift the pen, oye dos mios. He wakes up to Sally trying to prove her ability to take care of herself by making French toast. In a very Parisian twist, she accidentally uses rum, and Don loves them even more. Sally uses her inherited business skills to bargain Don to take half the day and go to the dino museum with him. It's so cute, my ovaries exploded.

Tiny glass bottle of Coke with your Dad's f**kbuddy

Me and Missus Joan
Joan's home alone wearing cool glasses, when suddenly some Swedish broads arrive at her house. They are here to give her a full happy ending massage, courtesy of everyone's favorite Silver Fox. Joanie offers Roger some bear claws in exchange, but then fears that perhaps he's just trying to dunk his donuts for old time's sake, if you know what I'm saying. But after the Ms. Blankenship dead-can-dance fiasco, Roger is convinced he'll die in the office -- which he has nearly done twice. Joan concedes to his dinner request, since he is proposing suicide if she doesn't come. They're precious at dinner, with Roger saying all the good times were with Joanie. On the way out of the restaurant, things are looking a little dicey (this is pre-Guiliani NYC after all). Roger and Joanie get mugged. And then mugged down! After Joan's wedding ring gets lifted by a street thug, they duck into a corner. The Silver Fox calms her down and then they start smooching -- which leads to alleyway sex. Oh brother. It's super hot, and also so wrong. What will Frying Pan-head think!

Vodka, but out of a paper bag, you're in public you know

White Girl Problems
The next morning all the women of SCDP are dealing with their incompetent men. Joan's having to edit Ida's obit (since Cooper and Roger are all too distraught reflecting on their copulations with her back in the day to do so). Peggy's trying to urban up the auto parts company by suggesting a Harry Belafonte jingle with a remix by Lil Wayne so that they can support civil rights. Of course, Don has no time to be bothered with ethics and things and tells Peg-a-leg to feel the same. Sally's at the office, waiting for Betty to take her back to hell (and doing the most adorable wave with Don ever). Terrified of Hades, Sally flips out, so Faye tires to use her psychology skills on her. Faye confuses child and goldfish psychology and thinks Sally won't remember her from yesterday, so the calm down fails. Sally runs out in the office and falls, only to be comforted by Secretary Megan, which makes Don confused about who he should be office sexting. Faye's upset she failed at administering Sally's Rorschach test, and at producing mini-FGFs, but Don don't doesn't care and they hug it out. Joyce arrives to make wisecracks, and tell Peggy that all men are like soup, because they are bouillon-based, and how all women are like pots, because they need to keep men from dripping all over the stovetop. Peggy does not accept this Progresso approach to the sexes and tells Joyce to frolic along. Then there's an oddball hammy ending with all our favorite gal pals in the elevator, pondering their lot in life as pots to hold all those soupy men together until Campbell's invents Soup at Hand.

Vodka tonic and potato and peen soup

So, did you see yourself in this episode? Did you expect it to end with Tammy Wynette's "Stand by Your Man" like I did? Which "Mad Men" broad to you want an action figure of? I'll take a defiant Sally and a non-bendable Ms. Blankenship for the win, please.