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If there is one throughline to all the emails I get from readers, it's the "Friend Zone." People wondering if they're in the Friend Zone, if there's a way for them to get out of the Friend Zone, or how the hell did they ended up in the stupid Friend Zone to begin with. So today, we're writing about it.

The Friend Zone.

I know it well.

When I find myself in the Friend Zone, I feel the same way a sleep-eater must after he realizes he unconsciously mauled a box of Wheat Thins, two unpeeled bananas, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts. I can't believe I spent the last six weeks trying to hook up with a girl and ended up in her book club.

So, let's break it all down, from how you end up there, how you can tell if there's a way out, and what to do in the future to avoid going back.

First Things First: Who Is This Person Who Has You Friend Zone-d?
The Never-Was Friend: Sometimes, I'll start talking to a girl because I just want to "get sexy" with her, then somehow we end up becoming pals who get no sexier than Chipotle lunches and the occasional three-beer bar hang. You know these Zoned Friends -- the people you had the tingles for but somehow, mysteriously, became actual friends with ... despite still maybe harboring the yen to be on them.

The Always-Was Friend: You've seen this person through the stomach flu, moves, cold sores, breakups, acne, cycles of melancholy and bad choices in pants. You know each other's parents. For months/years you felt not a single spark, and then, all of a sudden, one day, you wonder what he looks like without a shirt on.

Next Thing's Next: What Type of Friend Zone Are You In?
The Safety Zone: The most common way we get ourselves into Friend Zones with people we'd actually like to be dating or sleeping with is because it seemed like a logical path to getting what we wanted. You find common interests. You become friendly. You make yourself safe because you're too worried about scaring them away, so you don't make your objective clear: that you would ultimately like your "Netflix and takeout" nights to end in torrid sex instead of neatly sealing some episode of "Carnivale" back in its return envelope. You tell yourself you're just waiting for your opportunity -- but you're really just "hanging out."

The Korean Demilitarized Zone: Ah, this place ... a crazy no man's land where nothing is as it seems. There's actual, legitimate flirting, you're sure of it, but no action. Every casual remark may actually be loaded with an invitation to view the Alaska-shaped birthmark on your friend's butt cheek. The sexual tension is high. This is an endless, MC Escher–like maze of ambiguity. A girl I'm "just friends" with might throw out just enough casual hints that she may think of me as a sexual being without ever offering me any real space to make a move. One second, she's commenting on how beautiful my eyes are, and the next she's talking about how she wants to take that tattooed barista guy from Starbucks "to Pound Town."

Next Up: How Do You Get OUT of the Zone?
How do you tell that a guy friend might be amenable to taking your relationship to another, nakeder level? By listening to what he says -- and picking up on all the things he's not saying.

When he describes a date and what went wrong, does he say things like "She wasn't funny like you / cute like you / into dub reggae like you?" Do you ever find his eyes lingering on yours a half second longer than normal? Have you ever had one of those unguarded, casually affectionate moments where there was snuggling, or a long dinner together in which he told you how good you looked or how much he liked being with you? OK, signs are rarely that overt, but if you pay attention, you'll pick up on stuff ... if there's anything at all to pick up on.

Because sometimes there isn't. Look, it's easy to see and hear things you want to see and hear, so be careful you're not projecting. Just because a friend of yours tells you that you look great tonight or that you deserve better or that your hair looks amazing when you just let it air dry doesn't necessarily mean he wants to hook up with and/or marry you. Friends say nice stuff to each other all the time.

You need to decide whether or not you care enough to get proactive. You have to weigh the risk/reward of your flat-out asking your friend what's up and saying how you feel. If you're going to ruin lives/marriages, think twice, but if your sanity's really on the line and you swear one more vague come-on or reversal is going to have you applying lipstick to your eyeballs, just say something.

Finally, Is There Any Real End in Sight?
Here's a good litmus test for determining whether you should say something: Do you care about ruining the friendship? If you don't -- if you only became friends with a guy because you liked him -- then just go for it. Life's short and you (hopefully!) have plenty of friends whom you don't want to have sex with.

Now, if you really do value the friendship, you're going to want to make sure you know exactly what you want to say, and how to say it, before you go admitting your feelings. Don't spring it on him, and I'd shy away from anything too dramatic. Grand gestures make for good stories, but more often than not end in disaster in real life. Arriving at your friend's apartment in a limo and bounding up the fire escape with a rose in your teeth will either get you arrested or freak him out. Just tell him you want to talk to him, go someplace neutral, and be as honest as you can be without going overboard.

If he doesn't feel the same way, a graceful exit and a promise to talk again soon is in order, and then some time off while you both collect yourselves. It doesn't have to be the end of the friendship, but if it is, you will thank yourself later for being an adult about it.

Remember, kids -- the worst zone of all is the Regret Zone. I promise you, there's no exit there.


[Redacted] Guy is the resident single guy writer at Lemondrop. He really, really likes the editorial staff of Lemondrop. Platonically.

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