Lemondrop

It is with great sadness that I type these words: Last night was the season finale of "The Bachelor Pad." Oh, the memories! (Cue Sarah McLachlan music.) The cleavage close-ups! The pie-eating! The cleavage close-ups! The guitar solos! The cleavage close-ups!

The show began with a dance challenge among the final three couples: Elizabeth & Kovacs, Natalie & David and Tenley & Kypton. In a brilliant cross-promotional move by ABC, the three couples had to perform a dance taught to them by "Dancing With the Stars" instructors. This announcement was followed by a variety of contestant reactions set to extremely dramatic music, because apparently this dance challenge was life-threatening serious. For reals.

Elizabeth confessed to the camera, "Believe it or not, I don't like to dance." I believe it. Also, it's hard to dance and suck your boyfriend's tongue at the same time. (I'm surprised Kovacs never got seriously injured by Elizabeth's mouth.) As soon as Kovacs and Elizabeth entered the limo to go to their dance lesson, she aggressively straddled him for some more sadomasochistic kissing. After the oral attack, she demanded, "Who do you think our trainer is gonna be? If it's a woman you still have to focus on me." Cut to Elizabeth telling the camera, "I make a great partner in life!" (Heh.)

Of course, Kovacs and Elizabeth did indeed have a female trainer, Edyta Sliwinska. After we were forced to look at a few close-up shots of her tight lil' butt, we heard Kovacs tell the camera that Edyta had "the best body ever!" For whatever reason (planned plot!), Edyta spent most of her time training Kovacs while Elizabeth looked on. Run, Edyta! Run!

Meanwhile, Natalie and David worked with male trainer Louis. David, as did all season, kept telling the camera, "I'll do whatever it takes!" to win and, later, "If that means dancing with a guy to learn some dance moves ... I'm not afraid to show my feminine side and dance with a guy." David! So brave! At least Louis has Amstel, like the beer, in his name. And beer is for dudes.

Tenley and Kypton worked with Chelsie Hightower. Tenley is a trained dancer (and Disney Princess, don't forget) herself, so she and Kypton felt preeeeeeeetty confident.

After only a short day of lessons, it was time for the competition. The stage was set up DWTS-style, with former "Bachelor" and DWTS contestants as the judges: Melissa (conveniently also the "Bachelor Pad" co-host), Jake "wings of love" Pavelka (who made Tenley a little nervous since he was, according to her, the last guy she kissed) and Trista (the first Bachelorette).

Tenley and Kypton went first, danced the foxtrot and got high scores. Elizabeth and Kovacs were up next; they did the rumba to some strange Cinemax-style porn music (very fitting) and didn't beat Tenley and Kypton. Finally Natalie and David did the cha-cha, which I thought was the best performance of them all, but they also couldn't beat the professional and her partner. Tenley and Kypton won and, therefore, got to send one of the other two couples home.

Their victims? Elizabeth and Kovacs. At the final rose ceremony, Kypton said, "This has been one of the hardest decisions of my lifetime." Jeez, you must have a pretty easy life then, Kypton. This? This was one of the hardest decisions of your lifetime? Everyone on "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette" and now "The Bachelor Pad," loves to talk about hard decisions. (You'd think they'd be more like "Should we pull the plug?" or "Do we keep this baby?")

I digress. Hour two of the season finale took us out of the mansion and into a studio with a live audience where all the former "Bachelor Pad" contestants were seated onstage. This part of the show was filmed more recently, and what happened next was a hybrid of the signature "Bachelor" women/men tell-all specials and final competition for the two remaining couples. At the end, the former contestants would vote one couple off.

So, now we arrive at the final lesson learned through "Bachelor Pad" -- basically the lesson learned throughout the entire show: High School Never Ends. NEVER.

The discussion began thus: Blah blah blah cool kids blah blah blah outsiders blah blah blah cool kids blah blah blah outsiders blah blah blah cool kids blah blah blah outsiders. ENOUGH! Let's just have a fistfight in the cafeteria already! The audience listened to the adolescent debate while shaking their heads in shock and disapproval. Yup, America is soooo shocked and disappointed that reality stars act immaturely.

Elizabeth, back to being a brunette and single, told us that Kovacs is a player. No! I had no idea! Gia was also single (Whaaaa? You mean her boyfriend left her after she said she loved another man on national television? Gasp!) With Gia now single, Wes asked if he could finally kiss her the way he wanted to in the spin-the-bottle competition. They made out and the audience exploded into "woo"s.

Krisily told David she felt like he disrespected her by not warning her she was being voted off. David defended himself, saying he didn't want to make her cry. That's just David doing "whatever it takes" to be sensitive.

Gwen also shared her frustration with David, expressing how hurt she was to hear him say, "Anyone in their 30s is a loser to be in this house." David! EVERYONE is a loser to be in this house!

The best moment of the night -- and perhaps the entire season -- was when Chris asked Michelle, "Will the confrontation with Tenley affect your decision tonight?" And without missing a beat, Michelle responded, "Yes." (In case you forgot, in the first episode, Michelle confronted Tenley in the bathroom after Tenley blatantly lied and told everyone that Michelle and Craig M. hooked up. Using her "cool kid" powers, Tenley managed to make Michelle out to be the villain. Tenley, apparently, was just an innocent, rumor-spreading victim.) At the finale, Tenley raised her voice even higher and apologized to Michelle, who didn't accept. Cue the "boos" from the audience. (And cue me cheering in my living room.)

Next, the two remaining couples pleaded for votes. Tenley, Kypton, Natalie, and David each told the group what they would do with the money (give some to charity, give some to their parents, have some fun with it, etc., etc.) and why they deserved the vote. More dramatic music, as each former contestant revealed his or her vote, with the winners being ... Davis and Natalie!

But wait -- it wasn't over yet! Chris Harrison announced that it was now part of game where ... you give me a gun to shoot myself? J/K! (no seriously, if I had to witness one more popularity contest I would die. Or I suppose I could have just turned off the TV. Nah, I thought, Carry on, Chris!) Anyways, we got to the part of the game where the final winner was to be chosen. Which is when things got clever ...

Prom Queen Natalie and Prom King David were placed in separate rooms, where each had to vote to keep the entire $250,000 or split the prize between them. If they both chose to share, then the couple would share the money equally. If one chose to keep it and the other chose to share, then one who chose to keep it would win all the money. And if both chose to keep it, they would both lose, with the $250,000 divided evenly among the losing contestants. You follow? Basically, it's another mind-f**king game of trust and, honestly, it was pretty brilliant.

Of course, the reveal of David and Natalie's answers was drawn out to he max. As the most dramatic music ever played, David revealed his answer: SHARE! Next Natalie ... more music ... more music ... close-ups on the contestants ... the audience ... more music ...SHARE! Everyone cheered! Natalie and David shared the money. Game over!

But you know what wasn't over? Wes singing that damn song he sang all season. The show closed out with Wes and his guitar. In a final cool kids showdown, some contestants sang along while others rolled their eyes. The cool kids won, leaving the outsiders to their weird, artsy stuff. Everything was just as it should be, at Bachelor Pad High. Hit it, Wes ...


Giulia Rozzi is a comedian, actress, writer and creator of the Web series The Message Board. You can see her every month co-hosting the hit storytelling show Stripped Stories at UCB NY and performing weekly stand-up around NYC and beyond, but you'll never see her on a dating reality show. She quit that garbage back in 2001 after an appearance on "Change of Heart."