Lemondrop

Oh Lord. Maybe it's because anything seems frantically slow and overly emotional after indulging in the other TV exploits of the evening (Taylor Swift's hammy I-forgive-you-Kanye West song; True Blood's cement-covered Eric) or maybe it's because last week's episode was so goldeny-good, this week sort of seemed blah. It doesn't help that this is the week Mad Men decided to make Wonder Years narration cool again. Blerg, to the cap machine.


Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings
We open with a voiceover of Don writing in his Lisa Frank journal. Don journaling seems highly suspect, but we must go along with it. He writes that he has a drinking problem and reflects on his days in high school in his composition book. Despite our deep desires for this to be a flashback to high school -- Don carrying a trapper keeper and mugging on chicks, we are only treated to him swimming laps, and continuing to inner monologue-ize about women smelling like corn. At the office post-workout, we see that Mrs. Blankenship has had Lasik, which upped her sense of humor. She tries to bring booze from the supply closet (which, excuse us, why do I not work somewhere that has a vice supply closet? How can I exist on complimentary binder clips and huffing White-Out alone?), but he's like, no please bring me O'douls and more composition notebooks to journal in. He jots down that he's bummed he wasn't invited to Gene's birthday, even though the kid was born via hate screw. Don then writes his Bucket List and says he wants to go to Africa to see "all the little birdies, and the little monkeys," and that also he would like to better control his feelings.

Slowly skip scotch so people don't notice you're teetotalling now

Machinehead
Like all offices, the snack machine is nonfunctional, and despite Joey's dainty arms, there's just no reaching in there to pull out the Chiclets. Joan is pissed about all the racket and attempts to assert her dominance over young Joseph. But Josephine is all like, "Oh no you didn't," and tells her what might be the most offensive thing ever uttered on this show to woman: "What do you do around here besides walk around like you're trying to get raped?" Joe Namath he is not. Joan then snaps at Peggy and tells her to jog around the office more because she's fat, and goes home offended to find Frying Pan-head packing for basic training. She immediately starts crying because Joan knows they use live ammunition and that Frying Pan head can't do anything right. But really it's because she doesn't have any work friends anymore and has to eat PBJs in the bathroom stall at lunch a la Mean Girls.
Drink some spiked orange juice and eat a sammie with the crust cut off .

Date Night
Oh god, guess who's back? Our mortal enemy, Don's horrible date from the beginning of the season, Bethany. She's pulling all her same annoying tricks with Double D Honey Pot of jellyfish, berating him and saying all their dates feel like they are first dates (because they are terrible), but guess who else is coming to dinner? Betty! Old Man River found out the Country Club serves tapioca pudding and so he arranged to have a politics dinner there. And since Betty probably isn't the most engaged voter, she's going to spend the whole dinner staring at Double D and downing some concoction that looks like a margarita. Betty then has a minor freak out in the bathroom stall, during which she throws TP all over the floor like a diva. Her and Old Man River get in a fight in the car, during which they accuse New York of being a small town. Meanwhile, in the other vehicle leaving the Country Club, Bethany unbuttons Don's pants and initiates a blowie. Don makes the absolute worst coital smirk I've ever seen, then returns to his Shawshank Redemption voice-overs, surmising that Bethany's a sweet girl, and that all of the tenants of her building Jill themselves off to sleep. But he gets to stretch out like a skydiver. Who is writing this?

Drink wine you wino, Old Man River said so

Joey, Whoa
Young Joey continues his parade of horrific behavior. Harry Crain is trying to make him an actor, but he just thinks Harry is trying to make him gay-acting. Peggy drops by to tell Joey he needs to leave darling Joan alone, but he belittles the cause, asserting Joan's got nothing but a pen between her boobs. At least she has that, what do you have Joey? Joey mixes the cocktail of the century, Mountain Dew and Vodka, and then drunk sketches Joan and Lane doing the nasty. Joan is not having the anonymous Kathy comic though, she tells off the art boys by reminding them that Vietnam is going to destroy their delicate drawing fingers. Peggy asks Don how to handle the situation, and his advice is to just Donald Trump the whole thing. Peggy tries to ask Joey to apologize, but his assertion that vaginas don't have a sense of humor screws the pooch. She fires him and he dramatically turns a box over. See, Harry, you were wrong -- he's a horrible actor.

Chug Mountain Dew and Vodka you're unemployed

Little Boxes
Since OMR has Alzheimer's, there's not too much discussion of the big fight with Betty. He just wakes up the next morning, lets her faux apologize, then rams into boxes of Don's things that were parked in the garage. OMR abuses the nursing home's loose phone privileges and calls Double D at work. Don''s got to get those boxes out of the garage to make more room for his new wheelchair ramp. Don is so upset he drinks coffee! Meanwhile Betty is prepping for Gene's second b-day at home. The kid is two, yet we haven't seen him in eons. Francine tells Betty not to be sad, because Don looks like a sad sack, but to watch herself. Betty has everything to lose. I'm not sure I agree, Francine. She really only has you, who is a decent friend in a pinch, a shared bed with the crypt-keeper, and some nice crockery bowls.

Have some vodka tonics while you try to figure out where you misplaced Gene

Vaginas, Can't Live With Them, Can't Live Without Them
There is no middle ground between Peggy and Joan. Even when one's trying the help the other (OK, when Peg's trying to help Joan), it doesn't work out. So when Peggy starts to gloat in the elevator that she fired Joey to win her love, Joan is unamused. She basically confirms that Peggy is now getting her PhD in wet blanketry and that she could have handled it without making all the women of the world look frigid and as funny as Carlos Mencia. Joan has a point, but how can we be mad at Peggy? Did we really expect her to let Joey draw all those perverse Peanuts cartoons unpunished?

Drink Mountain Dew while reading "The Feminine Mystique" . It must hold the answers

In the Arms of an Angel
Focus Group Faye is having a lover's quarrel in the phone booth at the office with a boyfriend and asks him to, "Go shit in the ocean" (that's what we tell our exes too). So, Don strikes while the iron is hot, and takes this opportunity to ask her on a date. He pussy-foots around the issue and FGF is not having the half-date. She wants a legit evening on the town with Double D. So they make a Saturday date, and everyone knows you save the Saturdays for the men you actually like. If it's just some dude, you pretend to have plans and spend the evening watching Anne Hathaway movies on IFC and go out with him on Tuesday. Don's journals get more and more ridiculous as he goes to pick up his boxes (which OMR conveniently left out on the curb). Don throws out the boxes, which surely contained nothing and were just left at the house to annoy Betty.

Drink Manhattans and journal your heart out

The Elephant in the Room
Don takes Focus Group Faye to the restaurant from Lady and the Tramp. She admits that her father is in the candy business mafia, or he sells cloth napkins, or something that has gangsta connections to get them a table at this joint. Don kind of admits he's a sad sack, and Faye tells him to cheer up by looking at the calendar page for Flag Day or another worthwhile upcoming event. He admits Gene doesn't know who he is (the question is: who is Gene?), and then she tells him Aesop's Fables. This leads to what looks to be the second cab blow job of the episode, but Don's being saintly and will only bring her to her door uptown. He's got his new, non-drinking, lap-swimming lifestyle that necessitates he wear a temporary purity ring. After they watch cab TV and go home, Don wakes up to swim more laps. His Michael Phelps time leads him to show up to Gene's bday party, carrying a massive elephant (it's in the room! clever writers!). Betty is surprisingly nice and forces the child into Don's arms. Mystery Gene is terrified, but I guess this is sweet enough.

Two glasses of chianti

What say ye Mad Meners? Were you also distracted by Lady Gaga's meat hat on the other channel? Do you wish Don would lose the key to his My Little Pony diary forever? Did you too find this episode to be eerily similar to Mean Girls?