Lemondrop

Let's get serious for a second: You were probably drunk at a barbecue last night, weren't you? Out celebrating laboring by drinking yourself into oblivion?

Well, wherever you are right now -- hung over at home, at your hateful job that didn't give you the day off, shacking with a paramour -- leave there. Go find a darkened room and watch this week's "Mad Men" without interruption. I don't want to call your attention to other recaps, but as NYMag says, this might be the best episode of all time. It's at least the greatest episode of this season, with its literal and metaphorical fights, vomit, romantic intrigue, lack of balls, and Trudy-approved wit. Go! Watch! Read this while you're watching!

Fight Night
Since this is the '60s, the company outings are historically awesome. Everyone's going to a movie theater to watch the Cassius Clay fight (beautiful blondie Ken Cosgrove even!), but Don's still working, duh, so he beckons the kids in to present ideas for a Samsonite ad. Aside: What is the pastry on Don's desk in this scene? Is it a filled doughnut? A roll? A faux inspirational plastic doughnut? Anyway he hates the idea and that plastic donut, and wants Peggy to come up with something better. Meanwhile, Ms. Blankenship isn't letting it go unnoticed that Don's gotten a call from California, he seems to be avoiding returning. Dun-dun. You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out that someone's fake wife might have succumbed to her secret cancer.

Drink vodka tonics until you're drunk enough to eat that weird roll

The Gifts That Keep On Giving
This episode is filled with people giving Peggy terrible gifts for her birthday. First, the thing everyone wants from their ex-boyfriend -- business cards announcing that you're starting a business with his drunk ass. Duck's back, fired from his job at Grey and looking to get into business with Peggy both business-ly and sexually. This is an awful idea on myriad levels. How long before he sends you out into the street like Chauncey (RIP)? Also, it's going to be a ladies' focused advertising agency. Thanks for your "feminism," Duck, why don't you shove that Tampax account up your urethra. (Not a Duck fan if you haven't noticed). Peggy seems unconvinced, even though it was very expensive to have those business cards printed. She still has Mark-Carl though, who's taking Peggy to fancy dinner at Little Caesar's Pizza. On her way out, she runs into a super-preggo Trudy in the bathroom. Trudy, lover of bloodsport, harshes the buzz by saying 26 isn't really that old. Oh really, Truds? It's old enough to have screwed your husband already. Pete looks adorably terrified to see them interacting. But just as the office is off to see some brawling, and Peggy's off to eat cheesy bread with Mark-Carl, Don summons her to discuss Samsonite again.

A Manhattan while shredding your brand new box of business cards

Surprise! We're breaking up!
Mark-Carl, oh Mark-Carl. You were as doomed on this show as you were on Lost. You just aren't leading man material, as evidenced by Peggy's post-coital face. For Peggy's big b-day you, for some horrific reason, thought she wanted to hang out with her whole family she hates. Here's a secret, men of America: We don't ever want to hang out with our parents on our birthday. (Mom, I'm sorry if you're reading this, but it's true). He's fussy that Peg-a-leg's late, but she doesn't really care too much. After waiting for, like, four breadbaskets though, he's T.O.'ed, and admits the surprise. But Peggy still doesn't come, and phones him at the restaurant to tell him so. The maitre d', who apparently thinks this is a Purple Reign themed restaurant, brings the phone over and the cheesy bread hits the fan. Mark-Carl then breaks up with Peg-a-leg via rotary phone, in front of her whole family (after Peggy tells him she should maybe just date his mother). That's cold Mark-Carl, even for you.

Three martinis while eating steak with your ex's family


The Fight Is a Metaphor!
Peggy and Don "staying late and working" ends up being more like them finally coming to blows for all the office indiscretions they've committed. I could type the entire thing for you, because the dialogue is worth it, but essentially Don tells Peggy she should thank him and Jesus every day for being alive. This is all very humorous, because, before the fight breaks out, Don knocks Cassius Clay for calling himself the greatest -- "you're not the greatest if you have to say it." Of course Don, but comparing yourself to Baby Christ is totes fine. Peggy goes and cries in the bathroom, and then retreats to her office, until Don find something magical ... a baby mouse! Ratatouille leads him to something even more incredible -- the tapes of Roger's autobiography! He summons Peggy back to listen and reveal that Roger and Ms. Blankenship blanked, that Bert is ball-less, and of course, that Roger is a visionary author. Somehow this is not enough for Peggy to be moved, and she's still a touch huffy, until the mouse and the motorcycle reveals himself again. Don tries to find it, and then offers to take her to dinner. It is her birthday after all.

Drink whatever's in the office ... just offer some to the mouse

Word Vomit and Actual Vomit
Don and Peggy go to a diner. Don's wasted. Peggy admits she can't tell the difference any more between something that's good and something that's awful. Then Don admits you just keep trying, and magic happens! French fries are consumed and facts are shared. Peggy saw her dad die of a heart attack and has never been on a plane. Don saw his dad get kicked by a horse and screwed that waitress over there. Peggy's performance is blistering as she admits that none of the real-life things she's supposed to want make her feel as great as the office does. After discovering a dog/roach in the Parthenon painting, Don and Peggy head to somewhere that meets Don's requirement more dimly lit requirements. The talk gets even looser. Peggy reveals that everyone thinks she slept with Don to get the job, and that her mother thinks Don is the one that knocked her up. Don tells Peggy he totally would have boned her but he's got sexual harassment standards (which duh, Peg calls him out on). We find out that Don doesn't know who it was that put that bun in Peggy's oven. Peggy admits she thinks about that little papoose she sent out into the reeds a lot. Then the fight interrupts. Liston's down, and everyone's yelling for him to get up. It's back to the office to pack up and go home-or for a tryst? Or for vomit? it's vomit.

Scotch til you throw up, Don

Sting Like a Butterfly
After escorting Don to the bathroom to puke. (P.S. -- Has Peggy never been in a men's bathroom? Why does she look so terrified?) But they aren't in the office alone. Nope, it's not the janitor from a few weeks ago Don wanted to bone, it's Duck Philips! Trying to poop on an Eames lounger! Peggy tries to get him out of there, but of course Don has finished riding the puke train in time to see this. Duck blurts out that he and Peggy were in love, but then calls her a whore, to which Don takes a drunken swing at him. The pair have an amazing slovenly brawl, before Don cries uncle (Duck was in the real part of the Korean War, not the pussy, identity-stealing one you were in Don). Peggy sends Duck home, thank God, and goes in to try to make it right. Don tells her she doesn't have to explain herself, and he asks her to pour him another drink. Peggy is disgusted, but Don admits he's dreading making a certain phone call. Peggy makes him a drink and then sits down with him. The undercurrent of this entire episode is a fear that our heroes were going to spoil the pot and sleep together, but thankfully Matthew Weiner never goes down that road. They just "sleep" together. Hoorah!

Drink anything but the alcoholyou just threw up

Good Mourning
After passing out, Don and Peggy are sleeping adorably on the office couch. Don sees a vision of Anna in his dream, and wakes up to finally make the call. Slutphanie informs him, that, yes, of course, she's passed, and left her body to science. Don tries to play big man in charge, but Slutphanie has it all figured out, and is in a hurry to go to bed (California time! Ask Ms. Blankenship about it). Don hangs up the phone and starts bawling and Peggy does her best to comfort him, letting him know that people do love him. Peggy attempts to go home, but it turns out she is there -- she sleeps in the office, as does Don. The next morning he's finally got a Samsonite idea -- a send-up of the famous Cassius Clay photo. Peggy's not really in love with it, but then Don holds her hand and sweet-talks her into leaving it alone. Peggy leaves, and the door is open -- a heavy-handed metaphor for Don opening up? Or was it just kind of hot in there?

Coffee, you've been at work for 24 hours

What'd you think Lemondroppers? Best episode ever? Do we think the costume department has been saving that fantastic dress for Peggy just for an episode like this one? Do you think they'd give me Don's upchuck shirt?