Lemondrop

If "The Bachelor Pad" is high school, then last night's episode was prom night ... where pig's blood got splattered all over the loser's dress.

After a wonderful close-up shot of Gwen's boobies (her shirt had a sequined rose on it and says "Right now, it's the only rose I have" -- helloooo, foreshadowing!), the remaining 11 contestants were told that three women would be sent home immediately (as there were more seasons of "The Bachelor" than "The Bachelorette," there were too many females in the house).

The three unlucky ladies were eliminated via an uncomfortable game of Spin the Bottle ruled by the men. Here's how it worked: After the bottle was spun and landed on a guy, he then picked a girl and asked that girl if he could kiss her; after she accepted the kiss the two of them became a team and competed together for the remainder of the season.

OK, as a kid I used to get sick with fear that I wouldn't be picked for gym teams and science-project partners. I can't even imagine going through this nonsense on TV. And as an ADULT!

Nikki thought Kypton would "do the right thing" and keep her. Sorry, Nikki, Kypton ain't Spike Lee. He picked Princess Tenley (of course).

Kovacs chose Elizabeth, but not before admitting to the camera that "Elizabeth has a screw loose." Well, Kovacs, I'm sure you can tighten it up when you're screwing her later that night. (Ba-dump bump, zing!)

Peyton hoped Jesse B. would pick her, but confesses, "I may have screwed myself by not going to the fantasy suite with him." Translation: "I may have screwed myself by not screwing him." (Yes, I'm making more screwing jokes. How can I resist?) Regardless, Jesse picked Peyton.

Last but not least, David picked Natalie.

And now, this week's life lesson: Putting Out Keeps You In.

Ashley, Nikki, and Gwen were tossed into a limo and sent home to regret ever agreeing to do this horrible show. Nataline told the camera, "I realized the whole entire game is about friendships and relationships and keeping people around, and that's what Nikki, Gwen and Ashley just weren't getting." I think what Natalie meant to say is "They just weren't getting laid."

Elizabeth shared her sympathy: "It's so, hard to say goodbye to Nikki, Ashley and Gwen. They not only didn't find money, they didn't find love ... I could very well be in Gwen's shoes one day, well into my 40s and still wanting love to find me again. My heart goes out to her."

Elizabeth's condescending monologue almost made me vomit up some of the Tofutti frozen desert bar I was rapidly eating to keep myself from screaming in disgust at my TV. (Ironically, the dessert is called Marry Me bars. No joke.) "Find money"? Is the game now a treasure hunt? And can't a woman be 40, single and happy?

Apparently not, because the cameras then cut to Gwen, crying in the car about how she wants to find love.

I have to admit, I did think it was hilarious that Elizabeth slipped Gwen's age into her speech. All season, Gwen's age had been listed as "???" Oh, Gwen, I hope you and your bedazzled T-shirt find what you're looking for.

With the geeks gone, the popular kids got to play! The couples competed in a water-balloon toss. Natalie and Dave were the best at catching balls, so they won the immunity roses and an evening together. A yellow Lamborghini appeared to take David and Natalie to their date, but before the winning couple could get in, Elizabeth and Kovacs decided they needed to be the "first ones to make out in the car."

What followed was the weirdest make-out scene in reality show history -- kinda-porn-like and not at all hot. Smooth jazz started to play as Elizabeth straddled Kovacs in the front seat and sucked his face. Next, Kovacs was lying on the hood of the car with Elizabeth on top of him, her legs wide and his hands rubbing her butt. I can only imagine the camera guy directing this nightmare: "OK, great, great. Now, Kovacs, lie there and pretend you're having fun. Nice. Now, Elizabeth, pretend you're washing the car with your vagina. Perfect! Awesome job, guys!"

After Kovacs and Elizabeth finished covering the car with crotch cooties, Kovacs told the camera, "If a girl catches a bad case of Kovacs, so be it." I think we can all assume case of the Kovacs is code for STD.

David and Natalie went on their date, where they talked about their parental relationships. In what was perhaps the only genuine moment in the history of "Bachelor Pad," David shared how distant he is from his dad (while sad music played, of course). Then they started kissing or doing it or something like that. I'm not sure, I was in my bathroom vomiting at that point.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Tenley and Kypton made out, Peyton watched Jesse B. pick a scab with a rusty screw (more screw references!), and Elizabeth and Kovacs sneaked into the fantasy suite to hump some more and share this beautiful exchange:

Kovacs: "Wanna get naked? That would be cool, whatever. Is that awesome or is that ..."

Elizabeth: "It's awesome if we're in love and making love. If it's just railing, it's not cool. I want romance"

More making out.

Elizabeth: "I feel like a stupid girl ... I want romance ... I should be worth putting up as big of a fight as you put up for the $250,000, if not more. $250,000 is a lot of money, but I feel like I'm worth way more than that!"

Kovacs: "I care about you a lot."

Elizabeth: "I love you."

They f**k.

And, scene!

Mind you, Elizabeth is the same girl who wouldn't kiss Jake on the last season of "The Bachelor." Looks like Elizabeth did get a bad case of the Kovacs. Unfortunately he's the disease and the cure. (Ooh, what a great song lyric that would be.)

As elimination loomed, Natalie decided Elizabeth and Kovacs were a threat and tried to convince everyone to vote them off. David protested, telling Natalie that he and Kovacs promised to keep each other safe. However, Natalie was successful in convincing Tenley to vote off Kovacs and Elizabeth, sealing the deal with some weird pinkie-swear / high-five / kiss-their-hands thing after which they cheered, "Women code!"

Kypton told the camera he needed to do some "soul searching" to decide whom to send home. In the end, Jesse B. and Peyton got the boot. Turns out Natalie couldn't go against David's wishes to keep Kovacs around, which means she (gasp!) broke her pinky-swear girl bond!

Before leaving, Jesse B. told the group, "I think there are some people here who are fake." Yeah, no duh. Once again, IT'S A GAME!

As Peyton cried in her limo she told the camera, "Making it into the group of cool kids, and then to turn around and still be on the outside, it's tough."

No, seriously: A grown woman used the phrase "making it into the group of cool kids." On television. Good lord, do we ever graduate in life?

The remaining players celebrated that the "super six are left!" David told the camera, "Things just got real, real serious." Oh really, David? This reality show is really going to get real now? Like for real?

As the three couples walked back, arm-in-arm, into the house, Tenley cheered, "Let's have a pajama party!!!" and everyone squealed with delight. A pajama party? That sounds super! No one could think of a better way to end prom night than a PJ party with their best-est pals in the whole world! Their best-est pals, until next week.


Giulia Rozzi is a comedian, actress, writer and creator of the Web series The Message Board. You can see her every month co-hosting the hit storytelling show Stripped Stories at UCB NY and performing weekly stand-up around NYC and beyond, but you'll never see her on a dating reality show. She quit that garbage back in 2001 after an appearance on "Change of Heart."