Dear Readers,

The mercurial swamp creature who edits this column suggested last week that it was high time to use my beery-eyed personal failures to directly answer your questions about love and sex.

It might helpful to think of me reading said queries while bedecked in a turtleneck and scratching my distinguished James Lipton beard with a mug of Constant Comment. In truth? I'm wearing a tattered plaid robe I'm pretty sure my mom bought me at Old Navy, and I'm drinking beer.

Let the healing begin!

I'm 24 and finally had a one-night stand. I didn't bother leaving my number or any contact information (or even my name) in the morning for fear of coming off as clingy or naïve. But I accidentally left a couple of accessories at his place, and now I have no way to get in touch. Should I have just offered him my cell number and left it at that? Do I just cope with the fact that the guy and these items are lost forever?
-- MC

A lot of stuff going on here, MC. First, I'm confused about you not giving him your name, and how doing so would be clingy or naïve. I mean, unless you met at one of those "Eyes Wide Shut" masquerade balls. Name-giving is sort of standard -- it's actually weirder NOT to know it. Sounds like you were a little discombobulated and took off. Also, unless you left family heirlooms, your accessories are likely already in the garbage or dumped helplessly into a drawer, for some future girlfriend of this guy to ultimately find and berate him for. So yeah, say goodbye, because they're gone. In the future, make sure you have everything before you jet, and maybe leave your name. Or at least an email address.

Does heartache over a lost love ever stop hurting? -- M

Oh, M. I have a feeling that the answer is no. There are just some situations in life -- people pass away, or maybe they break our hearts -- that there is no "closure" for. All I can say is don't feel bad about feeling bad, and know that one day you'll feel less bad than you do now.

I have a best guy friend. We have had casual sex for about a year. We always go back to him talking about other chicks. I am in love with him, but I realize that he's just using me for sex. How do I get over him? -- CMC

Love's brutal, CMC. Look, there is only one way I've discovered to "get over" someone, and that's cutting off communication with them for an extended period of time. Period. I know you're used to having him in your life, but either he goes away for awhile, or your sanity does.

So riddle me this: How do I meet a decent guy who has a job, drives his own car, has his own place, and is taller than me? (I'm 5-foot-3.) Should I not mention that I love watching reruns of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and "Star Trek: The Next Generation"? Is that endearing or loser-ish? -- JL

Unless you date members of a pygmy tribe exclusively, finding a guy above 5-foot-3 shouldn't be too difficult. (Here come the irate-pygmy emails!) I think you're limiting yourself with the car and apartment requirements, however. What if you meet a great guy who lives with some other dude and doesn't have a relationship with Honda? As for your TV choices, they'll be endearing to the right guy. You shouldn't pretend you watch "The McLaughlin Group." (We dudes know who does and does not watch "The McLaughlin Group.")

Hi. One serious question: Why are you pretending you're a guy when you're a girl? I have given your articles to several of my friends and they all said the same thing -- this is a girl pretending to be a man. -- BM

Nope. I'm a dude who just happens to write like a Phi Pi rush chair. I'm dealing with it. You should too.

Why do I always attract guys that I'm not interested in, but when I finally do find one I'm interested in, he's not interested or loses interest after a couple dates? Is it karma telling me to settle? -- CB

Attraction is a tricky thing, CB. Sometimes it seems as if we were hardwired for depression. We're often into people who aren't into us or who are terrible for us, and we dismiss those whom we could have something with because we just don't feel it. Don't settle, though. In case you haven't noticed, karma's sort of an idiot.

Why do couples always feel the necessity to rub their coupledom in your face? -- BTS

You know what? Truth time: They don't. Sometimes, when you're single, you're hyper-aware of every little thing a couple does. "Oh my God. He cut his finger, and she's giving him a band aid! God, get separate personalities already!" I get it, I do. But it's possible that we're being hypersensitive because we're a little butthurt about being lonely. If you really do have coupled friends who act like they're filming a wine cooler commercial around you at all times, either let them know that it makes you uncomfortable (spoiler alert: this won't go well!) or stop hanging out with them so much.

Is it true that men start to lose interest in women once they reach 30? -- H

No. Yes, there will always be men who want younger women just like there will always be women who like hot guys even if they've got the I.Q. of a Happy Meal. Women 30 and over are hot.

Can unconditional love exist only between a parent and child, or is possible to find that within a romantic relationship? -- TM

"'Unconditional" is a pretty unrealistic (and ironic) condition to apply to any relationship. You can love your wife, but there's got to be a condition where that love dissolves if she goes on a killing spree, right? I think what one should look for in a relationship is someone you want to both bone and have a conversation with. Leave the unconditional love for your family and the DVR.

I have a question about Portuguese water dogs. Why didn't the Obama family adopt a rescued Portuguese water dog when they decided to get one? That would have been nice and set a great example. -- MA

Because he's a socialist? Actually, I think they were given that dog as a gift by the late Ted Kennedy, so, you know, I think they sort of had to keep it. But it's a good point.

So, there you have it, readers! Go out and live, love, and adopt rescued Portuguese water dogs.

[Redacted] Guy is the resident single guy writer at Lemondrop. Did you ever see that episode of "Little House on the Prairie" where Albert's friend got molested by a mime and got her pregnant, and nobody would believe that Albert wasn't the father and that it was a mime? No? OK, just asking.

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