Lemondrop

This week's "Bachelor Pad" was all about good, old-fashioned name-calling. It started with David calling Wes a jackass after Wes complained about everyone "blowing smoke up each others' asses." I was hoping Wes and David were going to have a fistfight, but the pouty exchange ended on more of an "I know you are, but what am I?" note. The rest of the episode, just like all the episodes so far, was jam-packed with the cast being shocked and hurt by how "selfish" and "two-faced" everyone is. In other words, the cast of a reality competition show is shocked and hurt by how competitive everyone is.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I don't think Wes is the only jackass on "Bachelor Pad." After his anticlimactic fight with David, Wes was featured in an uncomfortable-to-watch montage of him sadly floating in the pool with a voice-over of him talking about missing Gia. After Wes washed himself clean of his Gia memories, the gang was forced to privately fill out a ridiculous questionnaire about their housemates, which asked things like "Who is a jerk?" and "Who is the dumbest?" Later, everyone publicly guessed who got voted what, with the guy and girl who guessed the most correct answers winning the immunity rose and a date.

And now for this week's Life Lesson: We will forever be judged.

Fantastic! All those years of personal growth, self-esteem-building and therapy are completely irrelevant because the truth is that people are always going to label you... especially if $250,000 is at stake. The thing that was most disgusting about this game was that everyone was forced to name someone as something -- even if they didn't really think it. Some of the winners -- or do we call them losers? -- were:

-- Wes: Biggest Jerk
-- Krisily: Biggest Enemy
-- David: The One Who Most People Have a Crush On
-- Natalie: Always a Bridesmaid, Never Bride (Ouch!)
-- Gwen: Dumbest (OK, this is just abusive now)
-- Elizabeth: Most Shallow (she later told the camera, "I don't even know what shallow really means") and -- ready for it? -- WORST BOOB JOB!

Nice work, "Bachelor Pad"! Why not completely shatter people's souls and ask, "Who has the ugliest doo-doo face?" and "Who's father do you think loved them the least?" Jeez, and I thought not being named Most Fun-Filled in my high school yearbook was heartbreaking.

During the game, Kovacs was torn. He knew Elizabeth would be the correct answer for the bad boobies, but he didn't want to hurt her. Dramatic music played as Kovacs told the camera, "Don't like this competition, but have to play it ... even though I think she's got great boobs." He took the high road and didn't vote for Elizabeth, giving the title to Jesse B. on the guy's side and Tenley for the girls. As Jesse B. and Tenley celebrated winning the worst game ever, Natalie sobbed in the shower and Elizabeth cried in a closet because, well, ya know, being told you're going to be alone forever and/or are a superficial a-hole with nasty tits is kinda hurtful. Surprisingly, Gwen (whose Dumb title seemed the most harsh) didn't cry. I guess her tear ducts are too stupid to extract liquid.

Even though Elizabeth was the one who spit in her hand after kissing the Weatherman last week (nooooo, that's not superficial at all), I still felt bad for her. I felt bad for everyone for having to be part of creating a televised slam book. But at the same time, everyone took part, claiming the same thing: "I had to do it." Really? This is America, and you're an adult. You don't have to go on TV and crush people's hearts for cash.

Anywho, Tenley took Kypton on her date where they professed their feelings for each other; she then gave him the immunity rose. Jesse B. took Peyton on his date, where they expressed their non-feelings for each other, and he still gave her the immunity rose. Back at the house, everyone panicked that they might be "on the chopping block." The outsiders were determined to break up the power couples: Elizabeth and Kovacs, and Tenley and Kypton. Krisily convinced David not to vote her off, but then at the rose ceremony Krisily went home, along with Wes. Before Krisily left, she made a little speech about how (surprise, surprise!) "selfish" and "two-faced" everyone had been. Way to bring things full-circle there, Krisily.

This show is only on for two more weeks, right? I mean, yay! I love it!


Giulia Rozzi is a comedian, actress, writer and creator of the Web series The Message Board. You can see her every month co-hosting the hit storytelling show Stripped Stories at UCB NY and performing weekly stand-up around NYC and beyond, but you'll never see her on a dating reality show. She quit that garbage back in 2001 after an appearance on "Change of Heart."