Lemondrop

Monday night's "Bachelor Pad" began right where we left off last week, when Nikki betrayed the "Outsiders" by voting off Craig and keeping "Cool Kid" Kiptyn; Gia ratted out Nikki as a traitor; Nikki exposed Gia as the one who pits the groups against one another; and host Chris Harrison wept silently in a bathroom, repeatedly whispering, "When oh when will I not have to host this show anymore?"

OK, that last part was a lie. If anything, I'm guessing Chris Harrison is thanking his lucky stars that he landed a cushy, steady gig in Hollywood. I mean, how many seasons has this guy been vomiting up lines like "Tonight, everyone still has a chance at finding love and chance of winning a quarter of a million dollars."

Love? Really? Some hot action in the pool, maybe. But love? And if love is one of the possible prizes on this here program/wasted-two-hours-of-our-lives, then I ask once again, WTF is Gia is doing on the show?

And I'm not alone in my inquisition. When it was announced that this week's challenge would be a kissing competition, Gia started crying, worried that competing might make her boyfriend (NHL player Chris Camppoli) break up with her.

Natalie's response? "Don't come on show a show when you know there's gonna be romantic challenges if you have a boyfriend and then cry about something that you think is unfair ... We all knew it was gonna happen. Get over it and make out."


Yeah, Gia, get over it and make out. Kissing multiple people on camera in hopes that you'll win cash is ROMANTIC.

Which brings us to this week's Lesson Learned: While kissing competitions are cheating, sharing your emotional love for another man is not.

(Gia really is one of my favorite all-time "Bachelor" contestants. She seems like someone I could be pals with, not to mention I'm a sucker for anyone who's name, like mine, starts with G and the fact that she's gorgeous. By golly, I think I have a girl crush on Gia. Gia and, of course, Snooki. I know, wrong show, but it's my fantasy: me, Snooki and Gia getting triple-BFF necklaces together and wearing them on our new reality show, "Bachelor Shore"!)

Whoops! Got a lil' lost there. Back to lessons learned at the BP. ("Bachelor Pad" not British Petroleum, although both are a mess! Zing!) Next up: the kissing challenge. Here's how it works: Each contestant gets blindfolded and then kissed by all the contestants of the opposite sex; the contestant then votes on which kisser was the best. (Everyone played except high school teacher Ashley, who excluded herself because she didn't want "to lose the respect of [her] students." Um, too late, Ash.)

No worries, as voice-of-reason Natalie is there to suck the faces off the fellas, stating that she "would make out with everyone in the house for $20." Elizabeth is also eager to smooch the studs, except for Jonathan (aka the Weatherman). After she kisses him she spits into her hand and gags. Nice, Liz. You know what made me gag? The moaning and groaning noises you made while making out with all the guys.

While Natalie and Elizabeth try to get their tongues far enough into each dude so that they could touch his gallbladder, Gia keeps her kisses very PG, crying, "I didn't think everyone was gonna turn into porn stars." Gia quits in the middle of the competition, worried that her continued participation would lead to the demise of her at-home relationship. She gets into her bed and sobs while Peyton and David win the title of Best Kisser.

David then takes Natalie (who swims topless), Nikki (who always seems mad) and Kristy Lee (who now thinks she has feelings for David after his amazing kissing skills, though, sadly, she doesn't have a chance as long as she's wearing that swim cover-up) to Vegas (giving Natalie the immunity rose and spending the night with her in the fantasy suite). Peyton takes Jesse B, Kiptyn, and Kovacs (the guy Elizabeth is controlling/dating?) to race cars (giving the immunity rose to Jesse B and spending the night with him in the fantasy suite), Gia is at the house being wooed by Wes, who conveniently has his guitar available to serenade Gia at any free moment.

Gia and Wes tell each other that they love each other, they snuggle in bed, and Gia gushes into the camera, "He's like the modern-day Shakespeare but better and cuter!"

So basically, Gia thinks her boyfriend will dump her if she kisses other men as part of a contest (that she willingly signed up for), but thinks he won't dump her if she has an on-camera emotional affair with another man.

The Gia & Wes love affair ends when Gia is sent home, along with the Weatherman, who sadly states, "I came on this show to win money and maybe love, and I'm going home with neither." Awwww, Weatherman! (And in a shocking turn of events, Gia and her beau broke up shortly after production wrapped.)

Moral of the story, kiddies? Although Gia-nomics may teach you otherwise, if you're already going steady with a boy, don't tell another boy that you like him, especially not on TV. While reality show characters love to pretend otherwise, what's said and done on camera is never really a secret 'cause, well, it's on camera. And cameras, like, film stuff and that stuff goes on TV and TV is, like, public and watched by the people you were trying to keep secrets from, so it kinda sorta doesn't work. Till next week ...


SIDE NOTE: We're waiting on ABC to give us permission to use one of their photos to art this post, so meanwhile we're using this video of Gia modeling a bikini. Enjoy!