Lemondrop

It's been a lifelong dream of mine to attend a big pageant. To be a judge, or even mingle with the contestants, would just put me over the edge. Hello, convulsions. So, when my best friend, Christine Teigen, model / girlfriend to John Legend / undercover pageant attendee, told me she was boarding a plane bound for Vegas to attend Miss Universe 2010, I nearly lost consciousness.

"Tell! Me! All!" I commanded her. So she did. Below, her list of the 10 best tidbits Christine learned from the show.

10. "Vaseline goes on your teeth for a perfect smile, and hairspray on your butt, to prevent bikini wedgies. NOT vice versa."

9. "'Boobs are still boobs even when they don't move,'" a direct quote from male gawkers who had absolutely no business being there except for the fact that they were pervy."

8. "I am EXTREMELY good at picking the top five contestants, as I correctly guessed them all and won $100."

7. "Bret Michaels changed his bandannas more often than the contestants licked their lips at my boyfriend. But, I must say, Bret is a ridiculously nice guy -- to everyone -- and not creepy in the slightest.

6. "Donald Trump is, hands-down, the most intimidating man on the planet and yet very personable all at once. When he asks you a question, his eyes pierce you as you search for an answer and typically just mumble out some kind of nonsensical sentence."

5. "For every four girls, there is one mom-type chaperone who is responsible for every single thing said girl-group gets themselves into. This can even include bed checks at night and enforcing rules of classiness, like, 'Your dress is too sheer' or 'You can't dance like that.'"

4. "The entire thing is essentially one huge advertising tool for the city/country the pageant is being held in. Think: 'The girls had an AWESOME time at HAZE NIGHT CLUB at the ARIA HOTEL where they drank GREY GOOSE VODKA and danced the night away in their STUART WEITZMAN heels!!!!'"

3. "I am pretty positive there were a couple dudes mixed in among the contestants. This is not a bad thing. It's actually quite impressive they could fool so many people. To me, they are the real winners."

2. "Evan Lysacek is not a gold-medal-winning skier and doesn't appreciate being congratulated on being one." (Oops.)

1. "And finally, I learned I will be the first one to download the Miss Mexico sex tape when it inevitably gets leaked in what will be a shocking and heartbreaking online scandal."