Lemondrop

The Miss Universe Pageant is on tonight! Did you watch it last year? Of course you didn't!

OK, maybe you did. And if so, can you tell us anything about it? Do they even do the talent part any more? To our knowledge, it's just bikinis, gowns and a bizarre Q&A. But here's something that might make you actually want to tune in: Bret Michaels is co-hosting this year.

Before we go any further -- do you even know what this man has been through in the last few years? Love him or hate him, it's pretty incredible. He suffered a brain hemorrhage while recovering from an appendectomy. He had heart surgery, a stroke, AND he's diabetic. Most people would off themselves, but this guy thrives! We mean this in the nicest of ways, because we love him, but he's like a cockroach -- you can't kill him. Or even get him down for that matter.

As you can imagine, with Bret Michaels hosting there are going to be a lot of changes at the pageant this year. Here is what we, in our totally unqualified expertise, imagine might happen at this year's Miss Universe.

-- Contestants with low blood sugar get a free "cuddle" from Bret. He really supports diabetes research, and nothing will keep him from his causes. Especially when girls with Type 1 diabetes who are thin and hot and maybe have implants.

-- Contestants will receive their health screening (with a full battery of blood tests) AFTER the show.

-- Mandatory genetic gender testing.

-- One of the special performances will be a synchronized open-heart-surgery dance performed by last year's Miss Universe to the Poison's ode to car sex, "Talk Dirty to Me."

-- Girls will be judged on their poise, grace, compassion, beauty and ability to "make out."

-- Weaves BEHIND the judging table.

EXCITED YET? The pageant will be held tonight in the beautiful city of Las Vegas, because nothing says "You're the prettiest girl in the universe" like Las Vegas. Set your TiVo!