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Last week's Bachelor Pad was all about that classic girl-on-girl bullying in the bathroom. This week it's pie pushing! Yup, PIE!
The show begins with the contestants split into a girls vs. boys pie eating contest, with each team's winner gaining immunity and control of the group dates.
Krisily explains that she just got her gallbladder removed and can't digest fats. She says she'd "rather get eliminated than go to hospital." Fair enough. But not for David, who says that not eating pie got her on the chopping block and that she "should have sucked it up." Sucked it up and get rushed to the ER? Wow, why would David say such a thing? I'll tell you why: 'cause Krisily is a ... drum-roll please ... outsider!
This brings us to this week's lesson ---- Cliques Never Die.
The girl's pie-eating contest starts and it's jam packed with cleavage shots and vomiting (Boobs and barf? It's just like college!) Gia wins the contest and gets the group date. After the game, the girls are interviewed with pie filling still covering their faces, making them look like porn stars.
Next, it's the guy's turn. There are no chest shots and their faces are squeaky-clean in the post-game interviews. Jonathan, a.k.a. "The Weatherman," wins.


The Weatherman takes Gwen, Ashley and Peyton on a group date and they all strip to their panties, roll around in paint and slap them themselves (creatively of course) on a canvas. Gwen gets a rose, making her safe from this week's elimination. Weatherman confesses to the camera that he likes Gwen -- like, like likes her -- but Gwen, who's well aware of this says "not a chance." Boo, Gwen!
Gia chooses Craig, Jesse, and Wes for her date to a random Indian-style tent in a random park. Gia assures Craig he's safe, draws a henna heart on Jesse, and is told by Wes that he loves her. Girls are a sucker for the L-bomb, even girls like Gia who have a boyfriend at home. (Again, why is she on a dating show?!) Wes wins the rose and is safe from elimination.
Meanwhile, the other contestants are back at the house getting sexy in the hot tub. Well, the "cool kids" are in the hot tub while the "outsiders" moap in their bunk beds. The "cool kids" (which Elizabeth actually refers to herself as) include: Elizabeth, Tenley, Ashley, Natalie, Kiptyn, Kovacs, and David.
The "outsiders" are Darry, Soda, Pony Boy, woops sorry! Wrong storyline. The "outsiders" are Gia, Krisily, Peyton, Gwen, Nikki, Craig, Weatherman, Wes.
Jesse S (female) and Jesse B (male) are free agents with Jesse S eventually hooking up with David to get "cool kid" status.
The "cool kids" vs. "the outsiders" causes a huge divide in the house, bigger than the Jets vs. the Sharks! Scarier than the Crypts vs. the Bloods, more intense than Jem & the Holograms vs. the Misfits! It's war.
The divide is discussed in some weird house meeting/therapy session led by Chris Harrison and his co-host, former Bachelorette Melissa Rycroft (talk about cool kids, this chick went from rose hopeful to host) and the contestants share their feelings about all the "lies, gossip, and mistrust." I will never understand why competitors on a competition get so shocked and appalled by competitive strategies? Tenley cries (I see a pattern here) when she is scolded for saying that Elizabeth and Kovacs are physical (as if no one heard them banging in the shower the night before).
Jesse S. and Craig get sent home even after "the outsiders" agreed to keep Craig safe. But wait! Outsider Nikki changed her vote last minute to keep her pal Kiptyn. Oooh! Bad move Nikki, bad move. I have a feeling someone's gonna shove you in a locker real soon.

Stay to see who's sitting at whose lunch table and what makes Tenely cry, next week on The Bachelor Pad!
Giulia Rozzi is a comedian, actress, writer and creator of the Web series The Message Board. You can see her every month co-hosting the hit storytelling show Stripped Stories at UCB NY and performing weekly stand-up around NYC and beyond but you'll never see her on a dating reality show. She quit that garbage back in 2001 after an appearance on Change of Heart. More here.