Lemondrop

Nature abhors a vacuum. And since we've barely seen famewhoring gold-medalists Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag since she filed for divorce, someone had to step up to the plate. Enter Levi Johnston!

In the past month or so, Alaska's most famous Playgirl model has gotten re-engaged to his baby mama Bristol Palin; been accused of fathering someone else's baby; gotten dumped by Bristol; showed up at the Teen Choice Awards; announced that he was running for mayor of Wasilla; and then revealed that he is shopping a reality show about said political campaign called "Loving Levi: The Road to the Mayor's Office," which is doubtless an incredibly serious, socially important look at the Alaskan political machine.

What a sparkling work ethic! But every famewhore needs a long-term plan for making 15 minutes last 15 years. To that end, we have some suggestions for the Levi Johnston Famewhore Squad, just in case it blew all its ideas in the last 30 days:

1) Join the Cast of "Dancing With the Stars"
They've gone for Spice Girls, astronauts and Kate Gosselin, who is arguably even less popular with the general public than Levi is. Every season, DWTS seems to toss in a completely random semi-celebrity purely for ratings, and for those purposes, Johnston seems right up their alley ... if they can't manage to get Bristol instead. And especially if they can.

2) Develop a Fashion Line
These days the only qualification one needs for having a clothing line is having worn clothes, so Levi's lack of branded apparel actually puts him in the sad minority among famewhores. Stop sleeping on the job, Levi, and start selling a signature line of hunting pants, wood-chopping boots or special Y-fronts for those times when you want to humiliate your girlfriend. Bonus points if you're vain enough to put your face on any of them, particularly the undies.

3) Start a Feud
The quickest way to get another Us Weekly cover is to run your mouth about something that will enrage its readers -- and thus, Twitter. Prime targets for your PR-fueled feud would be Jessica Simpson, the cast of "Glee," Robert Pattinson and Betty White. Although in the case of the latter, be careful: She'll easily best you in a war of words.

4) Go on "The Bachelor"
That's for both famewhores and, in many cases, man-whores. Perfect! Bring your self-branded Johnston's Johnson Slings, Levi, and be sure to ask the producers if you can hand out mounted deer heads instead of roses.

5) Record an Album
Assuming that because the world knows your name, you therefore have untapped reserves of musical genius -- talent that it would be cruel not to share -- is a classic famewhore move. Look at Kevin Federline and his seminal work, "Popozao." (And may we suggest they'd make excellent touring partners?) Dude, even "Jersey Shore"'s The Situation has a rap song, and guess who else has an entire CD that tanked spectacularly? That's right, Heidi Montag. Which brings us to the "if all else fails" scenario ...

6) Date Heidi Montag
Like a train wreck, people can't look away from photos of Heidi's poorly renovated body and face, so Levi stands to get more photo coverage in one week of going to various L.A. sushi restaurants with Montag than in 48 hours of pretending to reform himself for his family. And she'll get to wash the taste of Spencer Pratt's gnarled beardface out of her mouth, while also probably causing him to have an apoplexy of jealousy. Everyone wins -- especially if it gets Spencer to shave and take a shower.