Lemondrop

In these uncertain times, the media knows that we've got a lot of things to be anxious about.

Is Levi Johnston seriously running for mayor of Wasilla? How's Snooki doing, post-arrest? What's going to happen to Steven Slater, that crazy JetBlue flight attendant who found a new use for the emergency chute?

But there's one worry that's taking up more mental real estate than any other. That, of course, is "Am I ever going to get married???"

See, we all need to be very concerned about this issue; if we aren't, we might never achieve our true purpose in life before becoming old and dried up and useless. Luckily for all of us, though, our friends at the Daily Beast have compiled a helpful list outlining factors that contribute to the likelihood of a given person getting married. Its main takeaway point: Rich, educated, white Americans who were never fat are more likely to tie the knot than other people. Color us shocked!

There are also numerous other random attributes that make some people more likely to get married than others. But let's be real -- getting married isn't necessarily a good thing. Even if something ups your chances of walking down the aisle, it's bound to bring a downside with it. For example ...

IF you're a college graduate, you're 9 to 14 percent more likely to get married than someone who never finished high school.
BUT there'll be a 30 percent chance that your future spouse will like to name-drop Kant and proudly proclaim that he never watches television.

IF you're a Caucasian male who has been incarcerated, there's a 95.1 percent chance that you'll get married by age 40.
BUT the lucky lady is a bajillion percent more likely to be one of those psychos who romanticize criminals like Scott Peterson and Ted Bundy. (And, note above, ladies, there's a good chance you'll be betrothed to a felon.)

IF you're a born-again Christian, you're 19 percent more likely to get married than an atheist.
BUT there'll be a 46 percent chance Kirk Cameron will show up at the ceremony trying to push "Left Behind" books on your guests.

IF you're a single woman serving in the U.S. military, you're more than 200 percent more likely to get married than single civilian females.
BUT your S.O. is 500 percent more likely to ask a drill sergeant to give the toast at your rehearsal dinner.

IF you live in Nebraska, you're 30 percent more likely to get married than if you live in Washington, D.C.
BUT that means you live in Nebraska.

So, chin up, single, atheist, D.C.-dwelling, unarrested, draft-dodging high school dropouts of the world! There's a silver lining to every matrimonial cloud.