Lemondrop

Last night, ABC debuted its latest reality / romance / relay race, "The Bachelor Pad." The premise is simple: 19 "favorite" (aka those still willing to shamelessly hook up on national television) past "Bachelor" and "Bachelorette" contestants are competing for $250K -- and for love. (Except for Gia -- she has a boyfriend back home. We know, totally makes sense, right?).

Each week, contestants participate in challenges to win a rose. If you win a rose, you're safe -- the guys vote off a girl and the girls vote off a guy. There's a big, happy group date during which there's awkward flirting, people "letting their guard down" and wearing their "hearts on their sleeves." Blah blah blah. We've watched Real World, Road Rules and Big Brother -- we get it.

As host Chris Harrison wrote on his blog, "We've always wanted to do an all-star edition of our show, but didn't want to taint the franchise. 'Bachelor Pad' is the perfect solution." It's a bunch of hot, horny people living in a house shooting the softest-core porn allowed on network television -- nope, not tainted at all!

But let's get deeper here, shall we? There's more to "Bachelor Pad" than close-up shots of bikini-clad asses during last night's game of Twister (another really sensible move, considering the audience of these shows is predominately women). There are lots of valuable lessons to take away from these shows and every week, I'm going to reiterate that to you.

This week's Life Lesson? Popular girls will always rule.

Tenley, the first to arrive to the Bachelor Pad, shared her woes about being cheated on in real life, being dumped by Jake in "Bachelor"-life, and how she just wants something good to come her way. She squeals with such high-pitched delight when a new contestant first enters the house that I'm worried she's going to give herself a brain aneurysm. But I'm not surprised she's so sweet. According to her website, after all, she is a Disney princess character. Everyone loves Tenley, and why wouldn't you? She's cute, kind and makes everyone feel loved. Everyone except Michelle.

Michelle is best known as the "crazy" chick from the Jake "Wings of Love" ( barf!) season. OK, fine, she was a little intense but hey, you have to be a little nuts to TV-date one guy who's seeing 20 girls. Moving on. So then Craig M., the big-haired bully from last season's "Bachelorette," gets the first rose. That rose not only gets him immunity but also lots of p*ssy, as all the ladies start flirting with him in hopes of winning a spot on the group date.

BUT WAIT. Later that night Tenley hears some sexy sounds apparently coming from the direction of Craig M.'s bunk. (Whoops! Did I fail to mention all the contestants sleep in one big room like some orgy-provoking sleep-away camp? Well, they do.) She quickly spreads the news that Michelle and Craig M. hooked up. Michelle denies the rumor and confronts Tenley, locking her in the bathroom and calling her lots of bleeped-out swear words. This was perhaps one of the real-er moments I've witnessed on a "Bachelor" show. If Cinderella was talking sh** about me, I'd totally take her down in the toilet, too.

When Tenley finally escapes Michelle's wrath, she is shaken up and cries to her girls that Michelle is a big meaney! The girls rally -- as girls do when the popular chick is wounded -- and get the boys to vote Michelle out of the house.

Lesson learned: If you're a popular girl, you can spread rumors about an innocent loser and then cry to get your way. Other lesson learned: High school never ends.

Can't wait to see what I learn next week! I'm guessing it'll be something about sitting at the cheerleaders' lunch table or how sleeping with the right guys can bring me personal gain. Fun!

Clip from last night below:


Giulia Rozzi is a comedian, actress, writer and creator of the Web series The Message Board. You can see her every month co-hosting the hit storytelling show Stripped Stories at UCB NY and performing weekly stand-up around NYC and beyond but you'll never see her on a dating reality show. She quit that garbage back in 2001 after an appearance on Change of Heart. More here.