DISCLAIMER: This article is about fellatio, or, if you're British, willy polishing. If the thought of public discourse on the matter upsets, embarrasses, or in any way traumatizes you, you can easily just go enjoy this link to one of Jonathan Franzen's terrifying essays about bird murder. Anyhow, consider yourself duly warned. Not that that will stop you from leaving furious comments or emailing to call me a pervert and/or the spawn of Satan. Thanks for taking the time to do that, by the way! It means a lot. Onward!

Hi, I'm your friendly neighborhood Anonymous Guy Writer, [Redacted]. And today, we're going to talk about oral sex, and some of the rules of engagement.

Like snowflakes that like to be fellated, every guy is different, so there aren't a ton of hard and fast rules when it comes to going down to Chinatown (penis). Every man's dong, like every government, is subject to its own byzantine parliamentary rules that have to be followed in order to pass legislation / achieve orgasm.

Some guys like the Diane Chambers (unyielding, repetitive motion), and some dudes prefer the Rebecca Howe (random acts of confusion). I have friends who enjoy a good Helen Hunt (butt play), whereas some men simply want a J. Edgar Hoover (self-explanatory).

Yet unlike the often-baffling vagina, our equipment is fairly basic. Therefore, with the following set of baseline BJ etiquette, you'll be free to concentrate on your own personal technique, such as the Wilford Brimley (explanation for another time, gang).

Teasing Is GOOD
Look, no guy is going to complain if you immediately tear off his trousers and attach yourself to his parts like they're the room's only source of oxygen, but, if you want to really blow a guy's mind, keep him guessing about the outcome. Start subtle -- just graze the zipper area while you're making out. Ramp things up by giving him the mere suggestion of an HJ through the underwear, then back away. Remember, this is supposed to be fun, and, most importantly, if you know you're going to give him head but he's not so sure? You've got all the power. Use it. Enjoy it.
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The Approach

Now that he's intrigued by where this story is going, it's time to start foreshadowing. This is done by pulling back on a make-out sesh and kissing his ears, neck, chest, etc. -- each kiss just an inch or so farther south. They say one of life's tragedies is you lose the ability to experience the pure joy of a child as you get older. Not true. That kid in "A Christmas Story" who wanted nothing more in the world than a Red Ryder carbine action 200-shot range model air rifle grew up and felt the same excitement when he realized, I'm about to get a blowjob.

The Basics
So, you've reached Chinatown. A key point of good oral sex is it should also come with a side order of HJ. Also, as a man it's so nice to give up any measure of control and be totally at the mercy of someone else, mostly unable to contribute to it in any meaningful way short of shouting, "Look, kids -- Big Ben! Parliament!" Yes, you can never jerk us off better than we can jerk ourselves off, but unless we get some ribs (and dignity) removed, we can't do both.

Two Hands Are Better Than One

So, one hand will be busy with the HJ-BJ routine. What to do with that free hand?

You've got options. You can run that hand up his midsection, and do the old stomach stroke, or, if you're feeling a real sense of connection, grabbing his hand. I've always sort of enjoyed the latter, it lets me know she's not suspended down there in a state of revulsion, and it's my chance to let her know what's working by squeezing her hand when she's got it all going on.

Another option, depending upon what position you two are in, is the reach-around. No, I don't necessarily mean the Helen Hunt (be warned, a lot of dudes can't get over "Mad About You" and don't like their butts messed with), but if you can manage to grab his ass with the free hand, you'll definitely gain greater measure of control over the whole operation. Also, an ass slap now and again can keep things playful.

The Main Event

What I think that most women forget is that any decent man wants the girl to get some kind pleasure in all of this. If you're acting like you're licking Robotussin off a lizard's back or have a serrated can lid in your mouth, I'm not going to be able to enjoy myself (as much). I'm not saying you need to react to my ween like Rachael Ray served it to you with some paella, but some women do this furrowed brow, determination thing that makes it seem like they're taking the bar exam. It's great if we feel like you're enjoying yourself; again, it's not necessary to sound like you're getting a Swedish massage (too much moaning is a little fake) but we'll enjoy ourselves more if you do.

The Big Finish
Look, we respect your choice re: disposal. Now, as you must know there's about a 1 percent portion of the male population that would rather you didn't swallow. This is the same percentage of the male population that wants to kiss you right after you have. But I'm a realist, so I'm just going to share some helpful pointers from my (prone) perspective: Don't spit. If you're not interested in swallowing, pull away at the very end and HJ to the finish line. Spitting, as in non-bedroom situations, is gross and awkward and fun for nobody unless there are watermelons and some kind of county fair contest involved. You know what else? It's the simplest thing in the world, but when a woman doesn't act like the mess we've made on her bed linens is toxic and potentially lethal but rather is OK to lie there for a seconds so we can all catch our breath, it means the world to us. Once our eyes roll back into working position, we'll gladly go fetch some tissues.

Most importantly, be thoughtful and considerate; think of the dude as an individual and not an automaton who will respond well to the things your last boyfriend liked or the horrifying sex tips found in women's magazines. (Mints -- just don't involve them!) Do unto the genitals of others what you would have them do unto yours. Courtesy, like orgasms, should be reciprocal.


[Redacted] Guy enjoys sangria, Patricia Clarkson movies and when it turns out that the cardigan he was saving up for at Club Monaco is actually on sale. He wanted to be a vet when he was a kid. Now look at him.

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