31 Comments   
So, I love Emma Watson's new hair.

It looks great, obviously, but I love that she just said "Aveda ke-DASH IT ALL!" and chopped it all off, and I loved it when Carey Mulligan and Selma Blair and Michelle Williams did it, too. Hell, I did it once in college, and I loved it on me. I thought it looked awesome, it was low-maintenance, and it felt great. But I'll probably never, ever do it again.

Uh, 'cause guys would stop hitting on me.

I mean, obviously they're going to hit on you if you're Emma Watson. (She's hot and she's half-warlock.) And we know every dude would practically castrate himself to have sex with Natalie "Really? This Was The Movie You Shaved Your Head For?" Portman even if she were covered in centipedes. (I don't get it, fellas! loved "The Professional" as much as the next girl, but her acting is so boring that it should be used to break overly spirited wild horses.)

But most girls and I are not ethereal beauties who make insane dollars fighting CGI Ralph Fiennes and/or ruining beloved sci-fi franchises.

Before you flip out and talk about how I'm not a feminist (I AM TOTALLY A FEMINIST. It's the '90s, you bitches, and feminism is like the food in "Hook" -- it's whatever you can IMAGINATION it into being!), let's just take a deep breath and accept the fact that people find different things attractive.

And some of those things are gender-specific. Take facial hair. Sure, I can respect the fact that a dude wants to have a creepy, Aubrey de Grey beard, but I sure as hell don't want to put my mouth on his mouth. (HOW DO I KNOW WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE UNDER THERE?) But if that dude shaved his beard to reveal he was Sanjay Gupta underneath and I made athletic love to him, would that make that dude not a feminist? No, it wouldn't.

And dudes? Dudes love hair. This is a fact. My ex-boyfriend told me that as long as a girl was thin and had a lot of long, pretty hair, she could "get away with a lot, face-wise." (I felt bad when I decided to move out and briefly considered putting extensions on our mop, gussying it up in a Joyce Leslie dress and just hoping he left me for it.)
Share

Of course, there are lots of dudes who find short hair sexy. There are dudes who write Craigslist Missed Connections about not being able to take their eyes of of "the bewitching pixie reading Chmimanda Ngozi Adiche on the subway." But by and large, David Spade said a lot on a well-remembered "Hollywood Minute" joke about Cameron Diaz chopping off all of her hair, "Men of America, you can now stop spankin' it."

I mean, have you seen this iPhone commercial?


THIS GUY IS LYING. His marriage is a sham and his new phone is riddled with problems! AUGHHHHHHH, life is awful.

And yet ... I'm sort of dying for the feeling of having the hair off my neck this summer, and the ease of rolling out of bed and doing a pit check instead of having to spend my usual 30 minutes detangling my unruly, Eastern European Davy Crocket hat of hair. So, just to be safe, I checked with the new guy I'm seeing, who, incidentally, shaved off all of his beautiful, beautiful hair like right after I accidentally agreed to be his girlfriend.



HE'S A KEEPER, LADIES.

So, I'll be keeping my hair (and my contacts) for the time being. Until this dude dumps me and I drunkenly tell my hairdresser friend that "if you really love me you'll give me Hermione hair right now."

And/or find a guy secure enough in his manhood to have sex with me when I'm chubby Rachel Maddow.


Julieanne Smolinski is Lemondrop's articles editor and has long, flowing hair. She is sorry if you have ever dated her.