Lemondrop

We're in week two of our "Mad Men" festivus and all is calm, all is bright.

Just kidding!

It's Christmas, which means everything is wack-a-doo at Sterling Cooper Draper Price. To me, the theme of this episode was optical illusions and gifts from the Magi. Come along and see why.

Glengarry, Glen Boss
We open at the splendor of the holidays -- the Christmas tree farm. I must say I would have pegged heartless Betty for an aluminum tree sort of gal, but I'm sure Old Man River (who was wearing a sexy turtleneck) convinced her the fresh pine would be good for his ailing lungs. Then, something magical happens: GLEN. Glen, of hair-cutting, Betty-loving infamy. Glen being the P-I-M-P that he is, makes quick work of establishing that a) he runs this motherf**king Christmas tree farm, b) he has a talent for lanyards, c) that he's locked and loaded his sights on Sally Draper! Nominated for best line of the episode: Glen, "I saw your new dad, my mom said that would happen."
Drink some spiked hot cocoa at the Christmas tree farm.

Santa's Little Helper
My Earth is continuing to be ripped apart -- Don is typing, with his own fingers, which after this episode might be something he has to do more often. His secretary (Does she have name? Do we care?) gives him Sally's letter to Santa, which is only an elaborate "roos" to cover for Bobby still believing in the North Pole. Since the letter is dictated from Bobby, it's pretty stupid, when Sally asks for the greatest gift of all: the combo of a gold initial necklace (SBD) and for her father to be there on Christmas to give it to her. Little Sally's going to be disappointed come Christmas morning (though, in her defense, she knew she was asking for the impossible) -- her SBD necklace is going to be accompanied by some Beatles records (purchased by The Secretary), not the Pops.
Drink a glass of gin and a box of Velveeta.. It's a Christmas party, dammit.

If Peeing Your Pants Is Cool, Consider Me FREDDY RUMSEN
This episode's Mystery Date streak continues with the reappearance of pants-pissing Freddy Rumsen. He plops down in front of Roger's Magic Eye panting (I looked deep into the orbs and saw a pony and Don Draper's penis) and explains that he's in, wink-wink, AA with the president of Pond's Cold Cream and wants to bring this ginormous account to the company. Since it's big money, everyone forgets the time he soiled himself (except Pete), and allows him to come on, but they are careful to not offer him drinks. Peggy's once mentor is less wonderful than she recalls though, yammering on about Talulah Bankhead, sexist things, and most of all not drinking. The optical illusion of him not being a misogynist ass is broken.
Odoul's beer, you teetotaler.

And They Called It Puppy Love
Glen manages to wiggle past that cock-blocker Viola to talk sexy on the phone to Sally. He woos her with talk of her mother doing it with OMR and promises of her blended family moving out. Then, taking dating cues from Marky Mark in "Fear," he breaks in the house and trashes the place -- except Sally's room! -- with the assistance of an unnamed accomplice. Adorable! Old Man River, the Scooby Doo detective he is, blames it on some pesky kids. Meanwhile the real CSI, Sally, finds the lanyard of love Glen Coco left for her, and is touched by is mischief making. Ladies and gentleman, witness the blossoming of a beautifully dysfunctional relationship and the beginning of the countdown to Glen carving Sally's name into his chest with a razor.
Drink your Ovaltine and doodle "I <3 Glen" in your notebook.

1-800-Rejection Hotline
Meanwhile, the adults are having a harder time of it in the romance department. Peggy's new boy toy, Mark (who is Karl from Lost, by the by) brings her aphrodisiac cookies and tries to ply her with tails of Swedish sex-maniacs. Just like when he was Karl, he's is none-too-swift, and thinks Peg-A-Leg is a virgin, and she, not being a fan of Heidi braids and difficult-to-assemble furniture, intends to stay that way. Meanwhile the SDCP gang gets a dissertation on the wonderment of focus groups from a friend of Bert's and hot, blonde Joan-wannabe Faye Miller. Faye gets 1 point for comparing not having your period on your pants to curing polio, but loses 2 points for her confusing scarf/jacket combo. It seems clear her and Don are eye-boning until she asks the participants to write about their families. Don excuses himself from the meeting and goes home to find his new neighbor, Nurse Phoebe, hanging Christmas decorations and calling him out for coming home drunk, and having obviously checked her out previously. Don then, duh, comes home drunk and Nurse Phoebe has to follow the Hippocratic Oath to help him into bed. Even at his drunkest, Don tries to make a move, but Phoebs proves to be a sly one, responding to Double D's come-ons with witty retorts and nothing more than shoe removal.
Drink some Swedish glögg and rub one out because you're all alone.

Better Than Our Office Party by a Million
Let's just put this out there: If Lucky Strike's Lee Garner, Jr. (another blast from the past you might remember as Sal's would-be suitor) is trying to hide his sexuality, he is the worst illusionist ever. Like Criss Angel, his magic is fraught with tells, like getting a facial, throwing a Veruca Salt fit until he got invited to Christmas party, and then wearing an especially ridiculous fur-trimmed jacket to the shindig.

But oh the shindig! Joan whips up a stellar party (after having lots of adorable flirting time with Roger), complete with conga line, Chinese food, copious drinks, and couples mugging down left and right. Lots of things happen: Pete and Jane win best dressed for a velour jacket and amazingly beaded dress, respectively, Focus Group Faye chides Don for not taking her test and resists his advances. Lee calls Lane "Jeeves" and forces Roger to wear the Santa suit in hopes of some homoerotic lap sitting. Joan wears the present-dress at Roger's request.

But the real trouble, as always, comes at home. After forgetting his keys at the office, Don attempts to call on Nurse Phoebe to no avail and then begs The Secretary to drop them off for him. Drop off the keys she does! After giving Don some aspirin, he gives her a pain reliever of his own with a quick screw! After the other rejected advances, we can't be surprised Don went to the next lady available, but don't shit where you eat Don. It's a rookie mistake. She flits off to meet the rest of the young-uns (including Joey, who we can't forget gave The Secretary a "Napoleon Dynamite"–style portrait) while Don passes out sass-ified.
Drink a triumphant beer at home and three hangover-preventative glasses of water.

The Hangover
The next morning at the office, oranges and various party bacchanalia are strewn about. Mike Tyson's tiger is tormenting Lane, and Zach Galifianakis is there hitting on Joan. Peggy and Freddy Rumsen make up, but she is baffled over whether she should let Karl Mark take her to The Bone Zone. Freddy explains the physics of blue balls and pre-marital sex to Peg-a-leg, which leads her to do the business with Karl Mark. She then makes the most terrifying post-coital face I've ever seen. Looks like Karl Mark was a great lay she does not regret! Meanwhile, after making some Nazi jokes with Roger, Don politely thanks the secretary for "bringing his keys over and allowing him to take advantage of her kindness" in a tone of voice that says "we have no future and you will never enjoy my tender sex again." He then gives her the Christmas bonus he mentioned -- $100 bucks and a card that says thanks for all your hard work (on my peen). While we thought for sure she was going to immediately resign or jump out of the window (Nurse Phoebe did talk about the number of suicides during the holiday) it seems homegirl will stay to torment Don another day before facing the unemployment lines. Hoorah!
Drink the hair of the dog that bit you and consider a
morning-after pill


In Conclusion!
So many people came to visit Mr. Rogers' neighborhood this week! This season seems to be completely embracing the more lighthearted '60s joie de vivre, while still setting up a host of story lines. I cannot wait until next week when Glen makes a doll from Sally and Betty's hair and The Secretary puts her underpants in Don's desk -- or something wacky like that! Until then...
Kim Moreau is a writer/editor living in New York City who covers everything from home decor to celebrity culture. She is not ashamed to admit she carries a torch for .