Lemondrop

Guy Voice: Panama Jackson

No, no, no. One hundred times no. Once you break up with somebody, his friends are your ex-friends. Why would you want to keep them around? Who needs the constant reminder of a relationship past? Plus, in order to hang with them, you'd be forcing them to take sides and chose friends over loyalty. And would you really want that on your conscience?

What this all comes down to is Breakup Law. Breakup Law has very specific rules about, well, breaking up. For instance, when you break up, thou shalt not break any of the property of the ex as a means of revenge. Or thou shalt not date an ex's friend. Of course, those rules get violated more often than Lindsey Lohan's SCRAM bracelet goes off, but the law is the law. In this case, Breakup Law states that upon breaking up, the friendships formed because of the relationship shall cease because of its demise. It sucks, but so do porn stars. That's just life.

There's really no good reason to maintain these friendships. In fact, I think the only reason you would intentionally do so is because you're not over the relationship and want to find some way to hold on to some aspect of it or stick around the ex's life in some capacity. Emily would have us think that these friendships can exist free of agenda, but that's just naïve. Most people have their own friends they can go rollerblading and skeet shooting with. Why do you need the friends that your ex brought to the table? If I were the ex, I'd make demands of my friends that they didn't talk to my ex anymore. You can't have a clean break if all the ties remain in place.

It is for that reason the Breakup Law even exists in the first place: to help make breakups a clean break. Keeping friends around is messy. So no, you can't still maintain those friendships because it creates a more awkward situation than the actual breakup. And who likes awkward situations? Not I. And neither do most guys.

In conclusion, retaining those friendships is just doggone wrong. Stop it. Don't try this at home, and don't pass go. When your relationship ended, so did those other relationships.

It's dead. So murder the connections.

Girl Voice: Emily Gordon

Oh c'mon, Panama, this isn't high school or a Jennifer Aniston movie. We're adults, and adults date, become parts of each others' lives, and then break up. You can't be so cut and dry about this.

Here's my advice for our newly single questioner: The first thing you need to do here is take a nice, hard look in the mirror. Do you want to stay friends with your ex's friends because you genuinely like hanging out with them? Or is there even the slightest chance that you have an ulterior motive for wanting to keep them around? If any part of you wants to keep tabs on your ex, possibly rekindle a romance, get revenge, or just wreak some ex-style havoc, I would encourage you to back away. Quickly. Because not only would fake-friending be creepy, it's also never going to get you what you want. If the relationship's over, let it be over, and just salvage what you can.

Now, I do agree with Panama that there is a distinct Breakup Law, but if you did take that long, hard look at yourself and you actually feel that your bonds with these friends would violate Breakup Law, then you have some delicate work to do.

The first thing is to be direct and honest in your intentions. Tell your ex what you want to do (if you guys are in it so deep that you can't even speak to each other, you may want to table trying to buddy up to his friends for now), and if he objects, you have to respect that. If he's begrudgingly OK with it, you get to move on to the next stage of the gauntlet: the friends. Don't be surprised if they no longer find your company so awesome. Friendships can run deep, and often are staunchly tethered to their origin, which would be your ex, not you.

I essentially became best friends with a boyfriend's gal pal once, and after we broke up, she ignored me entirely. I ran into her a few weeks ago, seven years after the breakup, and she was still a bit chilly. I respect her for that.

If all systems are a go, create a night out with a bunch of your pals who aren't ex-related and then casually invite your ex's friends to drop by. Keep conversation light, maybe acknowledge some possible awkwardness, and whatever you do, DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF YOUR EX. Just have fun.

Your friendship may develop more independently, but give it time, and always remember this Golden Rule of Breakup Law: How would you feel if your ex did what you're doing? Because if the idea of him cozying up to your pals has you crying treason, why would you expect him to feel any differently?

Share