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Children's books: innocent initiation into literacy, or sinister agents of fatal misinformation?

Don't get us wrong -- we loved "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" as much as the next kid ... which is probably why we binge eat. We're just saying: In terms of lessons and age-appropriateness, might as well be reading your kids a Cormac McCarthy novel instead of the latest Caldecott winner (at least they'd know how to deal with an Apache attack). Check out our list below of just a small cross section of some popular children's books with rather curious messages.

11) "Hop on Pop"
Jumping on prone loved ones may result in serious injury and is generally not advisable. Especially the "Pop" in question. Pop looks irritable. But our Pop hated it, too. Especially after he ate.

10) "Jumanji"
After their house is nearly destroyed by an evil board game that unleashes lions, tropical diseases and poisonous snakes, Judy and Peter leave the game in a park for other children to find. Nice, kids. Why don't you just leave a handgun and some matches, too?
9) "May I Bring a Friend?"
Sure, OK, this is a classic. But if you're invited to the king and queen's court, you should A) only bring a friend if you have a plus one, and B) not bring a friend who is a wild animal.


8) "Chocolate Fever"
This book about chocolate addiction teaches kids that if they're feeling under the weather and suddenly covered in mysterious spots, the best solution is to RUN AWAY FROM HOME. Dude, we watch "House." We know that eating one food uncontrollably can only be indicative of one thing: a dangerous medical condition called pica.
7) "Caps for Sale"
Never mind the fact that the Caps for Sale guy sleeps in trees and leaves his belongings on the ground. Did you see him wig the hell out at those monkeys? The Peddler needs some anger management, stat.
6) "My Beautiful Mommy"
OK, so this isn't a "beloved" book, per se, but it merits inclusion based on this premise alone: "Join a young girl as her mommy goes through her plastic surgery experience, and learn how the entire family pitches in to help Mommy achieve her beautiful results." Need we say more?
5) "Good Dog, Carl"
This mom is like "Oh, I have to get my nails done. Oh, Carl, you're a Rottweiler -- you watch the baby." Then Carl takes the baby out of his crib and 1) walks him past a wide-open second-story window, 2) drops him in the fish tank, 3) drops him down the laundry chute, 4) supervises his bath and even blow-dries him (electric plug! in a wet bathroom!). Yeah, "good dog," Carl.
4) "The Polar Express"
We don't care if he's Santa, and we don't care if it's a train. If a strange vehicle pulls up to your house and tries to lure you in with hot chocolate, do not board!
3) Richard Scarry's "Best Storybook Ever"
Let's put aside the fact that cats should not be driving fire trucks. We take umbrage with the Hilda Hippo character, a fat girl in a sailor dress who helps kids learn the alphabet ... by devouring it (and probably her pain). Fat kids have it rough enough -- let's not spread the rumor that they might actually eat a mop just because it begins with the letter M.
2) "The Giving Tree"
As our beloved Sassy Gay Friend pointed out, there's a difference between being a giving tree and a used-up, co-dependent, doormat tree. Where's the reciprocity here? What did the boy ever do for you?
1) Every Hans Christian Andersen Book, EVER
From the country that brought you "Hamlet," these tales are great if you want to get yourself eaten, turned into sea foam, or murdered with an axe.


Clearly, we could go on forever ... and we just might. Leave your suggestions for other classics with eyebrow-raising leitmotifs in the comments!

(Images: Amazon)
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