We all know that men like to A) watch porn, and B) enjoy themselves while doing so, but many ladies out there have gotten firsthand knowledge of this by actually catching their men in the act. For those women, and for all the women out there who are at risk of walking into a one-man party, we offer you the top excuses men give when caught in the act and also some advice on how a classy modern dame can handle such a situation.
The stammered, mortified excuses come in five main categories: Denial: Despite the fact that his pants are half-down and the couple on-screen are clearly going at it, your guy may say, "I don't know how this got on my screen!" or "This isn't what it looks like!", a phrase uttered by every man caught doing anything bad. He may blame a guy friend for sending him a weird link; he may tell you that you're imagining things. These are signs of a desperate man doing his best to save face.
Most tasty, tart Lemondrop ladies seem to have a perfectly cordial relationship with porn, even if they don't enjoy it themselves. It's a personal preference, sure, but deciding to be personally offended by your man watching porn essentially means that you're deciding to be offended at all times. Men watch porn, and so do most women, so we won't belabor the "Is it OK for men to watch porn?" argument too much here. Let's just assume that you're OK with porn as long as it's done privately.Selflessness: "Honey, I was thinking of you the whole time. If they made porn with you in it, I'd watch that." This is often uttered by men who are watching porn that features a woman of a completely different ethnicity than you. A guy pal of mine calls the "I was thinking of you" excuse "the lie people agree to walk around with," which is perfect. Other selfless excuses include "I do this so I can learn how to please you more" and "If I do this now, I'll last longer later!" Aww, for me?
Admission and Embarrassment: This guy knows he's caught, and he's mortified. He may tell you that he just got sidetracked, or that he didn't know you were home, or that he's really stressed out with this deadline and he just wanted some stress relief. He will most likely give you puppy dog eyes and beg you not to be mad.
Blame: From this guy you may hear such gems as "I told you not to walk into my office while I'm working!" and the horrific "Well, maybe if you had sex with me more often I wouldn't have to do this!" If your guy goes straight to blaming you, it may be time to rethink your relationship.
The Nuclear Option: This guy will burn down the forest trying to get out of such a delicate predicament. My girlfriends told me about their men saying things as random as "I'll do the dishes!" (wash your hands first please), "I've never done this before," and "You have a vibrator!" I worry about these guys the most. Calm down, let's all be grown-ups here.
But now that privacy is a thing of the past, what do you do? We encourage you to keep your class about you and take a nice deep breath. Sure, catching the man you have sex with choosing himself (and Tera Patrick) over you can be a bit unnerving, but do your best to not make it about you. Because it's not.
Get yourself together and discuss it as soon as possible so that things don't get weirder and more toxic with time. Let him know how you feel about it, even if you feel freaked out, but make sure he knows that you're not disgusted by him as a person. Set up some porn boundaries (include yourself in those!) for your household, and if you're feeling saucy and OK enough, perhaps suggest that next time you guys watch it together. Who knows, maybe you'll both bring YouPorn clips you like to the table, and find new ways to enjoy each other!
Any awkward situation that comes up in a relationship can either be buried deep and become a source of infection, or it can be turned into an opportunity for communication, understanding and growth. If you catch your man in the act, don't torture him or yourself with it. Be the classy lady you are and go watch some porn with your man.
Emily Gordon is a Lemondrop contributor, blogger and journalist who lives in Los Angeles.
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Tuesday 27 July
By donkeyrock
If you've caught him "in the act," you may want to offer to help finish it.
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Tuesday 27 July
By Happy Chick
I wouldn't bat an eyelid if I walked in on my man watching porn & enjoying himself while doing so. In fact, we very often enjoy it together! ; -)
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Wednesday 28 July
By D'tMM
I've always told my fiance that I'm fine with it and he come to me for anything. I've even initiated a few porn and naughty touching sessions. Still, when I walk in on him, he jumps to shut everything off. I watch porn. I enjoy it on my own. What can I do to make him understand that I wouldn't judge him for this? Telling him that it's fine and healthy and that I'm interested has done nothing. What to do?
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Thursday 29 July
By woodsmoke
Speaking as a man who still jumps when discovered watching porn, I think it's entirely possible his reaction has nothing to do with you. My parents are devout Mormons, and growing up I had to be *very* quick on the draw to avert catastrophe in the event they walked into the room while I was busy lusting away. Now, of course, I'm grown and living on my own and don't care a fig whether someone catches me watching a woman fucking on film, but it's still not easy to overcome years of teenage conditioning.
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Friday 30 July
By Experienced Guy
Sorry, but as an experienced porn watcher and husband for 25 years, "I was thinking of you" may be true. Doesn't matter the age, hair color, ethnicity - if what the woman is doing excites me, I always think "Man, I'd like to see [my wife] doing that..." So don't assume that is some "excuse" - it may well be true.
Proper response to catching him is "Hey you want to try that?" Second best response is to drop your panties and masturbate with him while watching. (My wife used the second best response when she was my girlfriend; that just firmed up my desire to marry her.)
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Saturday 31 July
By Doggy
Almost every guy reads Playboy, and yet they almost all keep it hidden from you, as most of you prefer. From this small awkwardness comes the eventual "catching him in the act."
Some guys not only have an old, matronly voice in their head saying porn is disgusting, but also a younger, hipper voice saying it's demeaning to women and objectifies them, etc. So there's a double whammy about being caught that women don't have to deal with.
His freak out could also could be a sign that in his mind,you have become his mother. If that's the case, the relationship is pretty screwed up and there may not be much you can do about it.
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Monday 02 August
By Brettro
Q:What is the most sensitive part of a mans body when masturbating?
A: His ears!
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Sunday 01 August
By k
He's probably watching something he considers really kinky or really embarrassing, like anime porn or something. In addition to the other possibilities already mentioned by other people, many times the things people watch AREN'T the things they want to actually do. He might not want you to see because he's not actually interested in water sports in real life, but is afraid that if you know about it you'll think that's what he wants.
Let him keep it personal! If he knows you're open minded and non-judgmental, there's nothing else to be done, at least by you. The only problem in this situation is that his hiding his porn taste from you makes you worry that he doesn't know those things, so maybe consider telling him your concern. Tell him he can keep it private if he wants, but that it worries you when we jumps and hides things because you're not sure that he really understands that you're ok with it. Tell him that you're just officially reiterating your ok-ness, and then stop worrying about it.
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Saturday 07 August
By edmond
You could pull up a site on your computer and leave it on for him to "discover" it or sometime when he's watching some reach around him and give his pole some stokes.
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Thursday 12 August
By JSER
All this is about what makes men happy. What about what makes a woman happy? Do men even care anymore or is it all about porn and a man's relationship with that over a real woman?
Get a life guys. Lay off the porn and you actually might discover a more exciting real world experience. Great way to treat your real life partner by lusting over every woman that isn't her. Especially as we get older, both men and women, but the women men want to see in porn remain the same age. Apparently women are worthless to men and men prove it to women all the time by their love for all things porn and their inability to want to please and make their eral woman happy.
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Saturday 28 August
By Norma
I so agree with you. It is like they never grow up to have a real mature relationship with a real live person. They seem to stay in an adolescent stage and never grows up to be a real man. If they would just look around they might find more in life than porn. Also once they start with a little porn here or there it doesn't stay at the same degree. Soon they have to have a more shocking scene to jack off too and the fantasies become more bizarre. They find themselves needing a bigger shock factor. After awhile they can't even have a normal relationship.