When it comes to celebrity scandals and the iconic images that comes to define them, there ARE -- at the risk of sounding distasteful -- hot disasters. Frances Farmer looks gorgeous getting dragged away to the loony bin
! How cute is Kimora Lee Simmons in her weed-arrest mug shot
? And are we the only ones who think that time will make a pop-star-turned-punk-hero out of Britney Shears
And then ... then there's Lindsay Lohan. The fallen former "Herbie: Fully Loaded" star who effectively sunk her own battleship by appearing to be fully loaded herself, like, every second starting maybe five years ago. Tanked on what, you ask? We're guessing Veuve Cliquot, benzos and Adderall. LOTS of Adderall. Enough Adderall to suppress all the appetites of all the starving children in the world. Enough Adderall for 40,000 Damien Hirst installations
. (Duh. It's why she's soooo organized
This type needs good scandal photos to keep her star going like Scientology needs Suri Cruise to promote the brand. For a star like Lindsay, who isn't offered films anymore, a scandal of "Cocaine Kate"
proportions has been, for years now, her only opportunity to make front page news. So what does Linds do when, a few years back, her first big moment came? Sleep through it! Mouth open and all drooly-like, wearing that dumpy gray hoody and slumped in a passenger seat next to Sam Ronson.
Hot-mess-iconography-wise, it was what is known as a FAIL. And don't think that Lindsay doesn't remember.
So, now Lindsay's gone to jail for whatever -- it's irrelevant. What's important to her is that, finally, she's got another shot at the glaring spotlight! Here, what we learned from La Lohan so far on her most excellent adventure. "Bring Your Glamour to the Slammer" isn't an Iron Maiden song, but it could be!
1) Dress Like You're Just Going Out for Shots and Cigs at Teddy's With the Fam
While for once we didn't see little sister Ali (and her cleavage) at her side, Dina was there looking predictably Dina-like. Lindsay came made-up and outfitted ("designer skinny-legging-style jeans, a crop top and peep-toe slouchy boots
" indeed!), well, like Lindsay Lohan would on any given day in L.A., strutting into Katsuya or wherever it is she doesn't eat. In funnier dreams, we suppose, she would be masked and strapped and wheeled out like Hannibal Lecter, but that's why we have imaginations. Well played. Fine. Next.
2) Prep Accordingly
Let's break down the beauty look, shall we? Every detail has been paid. The spray tan matches the orange jumpsuit. The highlights and extensions are brand new and perfect. Despite all protestations to the contrary, there's a twinkle in her eye like it's Christmas morning. Note the plumped-up lips, note the glossy smirk -- it's the same one Paris gave us in 2006 for her DUI
, remember? Uncannily so! Speaking of which ...
3) Nail Your Mug Shot
Remember the Jane Fonda mug shot
? The really empowering, fist-in-the-air, antiwar-message one with the only good mullet that ever existed? Yeah, this one's nothing like it. This is the kind you get when you go to jail for being druggy, irresponsible, and into yourself and your L.A. scene and hmm ... not much else. Well, maybe into a prescription medication or two. (But hey, man, two real doctors wrote those! Her assistant paid for them at a pharmacy and everything. They're legit!) Think Nicole Richie a few years back
. Or hey, look, it's Paris Hilton again
4) Pay Someone to Throw Glitter on You Like He's Tinkerbell (and You're Mayor-Elect at Disney World)
This settles it: Lindsay NEVER, EVER has to grow up (poor, mom-faced Ali should be so lucky). Gold confetti isn't as glamorous as fairy dust and Lindsay probably didn't pay the onlooker who tossed it at her -- though, seriously, what kind of weirdo just does that for free? -- but the fact remains that Lindsay's trip to jail began with confetti, and thus her looking like she was just named Miss America
. Now second cell to the left and straight on till morning!
5) Remember: You Are Lindsay Lohan
And finally, see that inner ... not beauty, exactly ... that something
emanating from her, a little glow like she has a lightbulb from the Hustler store sign on Sunset in her head instead of a brain? That's her TWINKLE, silly! She has a right to it, you see -- it says so right there on her body
. Like a pack of Marlboro Lights, Linds doesn't leave home without it. Fame-twinkle gives skin the prettiest brightness -- it's super-similar to pregnancy glow, except not getting fat is more important than love and only one person matters. Svengali-like, it reminds Lindsay that while her chaotic, prescription-drug-fueled overspent mess of a life has finally landed her somewhere that isn't Promises Malibu -- that is, in fact, PRISON -- not only is her star extra-big every day she's in the clink, it is also EXTRA-twinkly! Jail is no FAIL. Jail is a WIN!
So shine on, you crazy diamond. You look GREAT. See you on the outside.