After I go on a great date and wait with bated breath for a call that never comes, I of course conclude that the guy must have been kidnapped, has suddenly accepted that he was gay, or has died.
When I go on a date and wish that one of those things were happening in my very presence, I know I'm on one of my usual dates-from-hell. Sure, every girl has at least one "my dinner with douchebag" story. I am not like most women, however. I'm not bragging -- I'm just ridiculously unlucky when it comes to men.
I have had more awful dates than I can shake a therapy bill at. You'd think I would have just given up after a while, or taken myself out of the game, but I'm unhealthily optimistic.
Besides, for every couple bizarre dates I found myself on, I went on at least one really nice one. No matter how weird the dude or awful the evening, I believe, statistically and idealistically, that a nice and normal guy is just around the corner.
Look, I know how hard it is out there. (Want to know what's worse than a bad date? A bad date who doesn't try to get you on a second one.) Thus, I've decided to compile a list of my top 10 most epically terrible rendezvous for your empathizing/enjoyment. Maybe my travails can be your treasures.
10. The "Surprise! It's a Sex Party!" Date
The most, uh, presumptuous date I've ever been on was with a fellow who claimed he had a "surprise" for me. I love surprises! Especially ones that start out with a long drive down the twisty roads of Mulholland Drive before pulling up to an impressive mansion with valet parking. I was banking on "Murder Mystery Party," but what I got was -- wait for it-- an orgy! You know, just a casual place for rich, horny men to walk around with their scrotums held in a martini glass (really), hoping to get lucky. In the (brief) time I was there, I saw things that would make a Showtime exec blush. My date realized he'd struck out with me, but I suspect he might have gone back to the party after he dropped me off, by the way his tires squealed when he dropped me off. Oh! The final nail in the coffin: This fancy, no-holds-barred, uber-classy sex party? BYOB.9. The Foot-Fetish Date
What started out as a normal date -- dinner followed by a long walk -- devolved into something very, very odd. He asked if I wanted to swing by his apartment for some ice cream. Wonderful. Innocent enough. I love ice cream. His place was very clean and Zen-y, so I wasn't fazed when he asked if I would remove my shoes. We sat on cushions on the floor, sharing a spoon and some Rocky Road. Things were headed for first base when, out of the blue, he announced, "I would really love to wash your feet."
"My feet?" I asked.
"They're a window into the soul, don't you think?"
He then confessed that he also wanted to wash my hair, too. I started getting self-conscious. This wasn't a date -- it was a shower. I politely declined, but this guy had one more for me. As I started planning my escape, he added that I shouldn't be weirded out -- he's just a giver, so much so that he sometimes liked to give guys BJs. Since we were unloading all of our inappropriate first-date conversations on each other, I told him that his ice cream made me farty and then booked it.
8. The Oversharer Date
Call me crazy, but when a guy says, "I want to introduce you to some friends," I don't immediately think, Oh, he wants to take me to an AA meeting.
Now, I'm all for the program. It's helped many people, including friends of mine. It's just not a place to take a date ever
. That's why it's anonymous
. I get that he wanted to be open and honest about where he was in his life, but have some decorum. If not for me, but for the brave souls trying to overcome their addictions in private. They don't want to see you woo me with your "sharing."
7. The Brokedown Palace: Mexico Date
As a young, spontaneous Californian of 19, I agreed to go to Mexico with a guy I had just met. And by "go to Mexico," I don't mean fly to Cabo for a romantic weekend. I mean, drive to Tijuana and try not to get murdered. We pulled off the road near Rosarito and got beers. My date opened them outside of the store and we started walking to the beach when we were stopped by Federales. Apparently you can drink on
the beach, but not four feet away from the beach. I was the only one who couldn't speak Spanish, but I'm convinced from his "I'm-not-with-her" gesticulating that my date was subtly trying to trade me to the cops to save himself from incarceration in Mexican prison. Luckily, the $100 he slipped them bought freedom for two.
6. The Tiger Beat Centerfolds Need Love, Too, Date
I met a guy who haaaaaappened to be an '80s teen idol. He invited me to come over to his house later for a glass of wine. On the way over, my phone rang.
"Can you pick up a few things?" he asked.
"Sure, like what?" I asked.
"Some rum would be great. And maybe some mustard."
"I thought we were having wine," I reminded him.
"I changed my mind. Is that a problem?"
Fearing the wrath of my friends, who swore they would murder me in my sleep if I didn't go out with this guy, I soldiered on, found a convenience store, and purchased his requests (again: rum and mustard). We spent our first date watching DVDs and drinking rum. I have no idea what he did with the mustard.
But this one has a coda -- we had a second date. Again, he asked me over to his place. But this time he told me he was going to take me out for lunch and a romantic walk on the beach. I'm five minutes away and he calls again.
"Hey, can you pick up a few things?"
"Are you serious?"
"Yeah, some vodka and ham
would be great."
I seriously thought of turning around with the vodka and the ham and whatever modicum of dignity I had left. But, knowing this might be the oddest second date of my life, I had to follow through. In his defense, he made me a fabulous sandwich. I was happy to see a return on my investment. Alas, we never made it to the all-important "gin and mayo" third date.
5. The Hawaiian Punch–Line Date
I might just be splitting hairs on this one, but I met a guy for a blind date at a super-fancy hotel lounge in Santa Monica. He was totally overdressed and I was momentarily blinded by his actual diamond ring. He looked like a 24-year-old mobster. I felt terribly underdressed, having just spent the day working outside in the hot sun for a TV show, but I'd warned him that I was an underpaid minion working in Hollywood. I felt less awkward when, immediately upon greeting me, he lei'd me
-- literally, he pulled a fake plastic lei from his pocket and put it around my neck.
So, now I'm sitting in this fancy hotel lobby, looking like a homeless person who just got back from Hawaii. He was really pleased with his joke and insisted I keep it on. Then he proceeded to order for the both of us, since he had "eaten here many times before." He ordered absolutely the weirdest stuff on the menu and, while I thought it was obvious that there was zero spark with this guy, he tried to kiss me with his escargot breath while waiting for the valet to get his car. When the valet pulled up in his Mercedes, I saw his license plate. It read: Mercedes. Amazing.
4. The Roast Date
A first date that involves family is never a good idea. This one went from "bad idea" to "I have to buy a new shirt." I accompanied a guy to his aunt's surprise birthday party. All was fine at first, other than my being terribly uncomfortable as I was intro'd around to cousins and grandmas. I didn't even know this guy's middle name. The aunt was surprised, too. Especially when she found out the party was actually a roast and the uncle (now ex-husband for obvious reasons) spent 20 minutes bashing the crap out of the birthday girl. He then made everyone (including me) say something about her. Everybody tried to make the best of a bad situation -- which meant getting hammered. On the way home, sitting in-between my date and his sister, the humiliation was palpable. It was a quiet ride. Until the sis turned to me, probably wondering who the hell I was, and threw up all over me.
3. The Lifelike-Rubber Date
He asked me over to his house to watch a movie he had worked on that had yet to be released. By the time the credits rolled, we were in full-on make-out mode. After the textbook-perfect amount of foreplay, he picked me up and carried me into his bedroom. He tossed me on his bed. Sadly, I was a little more buoyant than it could handle and I bounced off the other side, only to land face deep in a grocery bag full of sticky, hair-smeared dildos. And you know what? He wasn't bothered at all. He was glad I found them because, from what I gathered from the glint in his eye, I was going to meet them in mere moments anyway. After dating in L.A. for so long, a dildo didn't surprise me -- it's just that he had a dirty bag of them
. I bid him good night and headed to Costco to buy some Purell.
2. The "Is This a Date or a Coming-Out Party?" Date
He was a newly PhD'd psychologist and was out celebrating with his best friend when we met. We all played nicely, but I got the sense that his pal didn't like me too much. The Shrink invited me to join him for a late dinner. So, we bid his friend adieu and enjoyed a celebratory meal before heading back to his place for a nightcap. His apartment complex had a pool, so we sat out and enjoyed the breezy Santa Monica night. At one point, I went in to use the restroom. When I came back to the living room, the Shrink was sitting naked on the couch with his wang in his hands. Before I could react, someone started pounding on the door. The Shrink opened it to find his friend from before, crying and proclaiming his love to the Shrink. I mean this guy was sobbing hysterically, telling the Shrink that I was no good for him and could never love him the way he could. Being a Shrink, he invited his friend in and they decided to spend the next few hours talking it out. I tried to leave multiple times, but they BEGGED me to stay because I was the impetus for this grand realization. So there I sat, the Impetus, between my naked date and his gay best friend.
1. The Pineapple Date
Men are not to be blamed for all of the bad dates I've ever had in life. I take the blame on this one. If a guy named Phillip were writing this list of top 10 bad dates, you bet I would be number one. It's hands down the one story in my repertoire that still makes me cringe. Bad fruit? Check. Sensual Massage? Check. A fart in the face? Sadly, check. Clearly this story is NSFL. If you feel compelled to know more, you can read all about it here
. Go ahead. You know you wanna.
Sarah Monson is a reality TV casting director who has been thrusting ordinary folks into the spotlight for years on shows like "Blind Date," "Survivor" and "The Bachelor." For more tales of reality and ribaldry, visit Reality Show Chick or follow her on Twitter.