Lemondrop

Some things just go without saying -- like, never call your boyfriend by another man's name, or that centuries-old adage, "Don't send text messages to your 18 random-ass semi-porn-star girlfriends if you are a very famous married golfer." The latter case, however, illustrates how -- judging from recent events in the celebrity world -- those unwritten, should-be-obvious rules for polite and easy living apparently do need to be printed, read aloud, and maybe even tattooed on Hollywood's most famous body parts. That's where we come in, with these five handy tips to help save celebrities from their own worst enemies: themselves.

1) Don't Do Your Mountains of Drugs in Public
If the recent John Stamos cocaine / underage-girls blackmail snafu has taught us anything -- aside from, always card the young people who are trying to get in your pants (and also don't do drugs) -- it's that misbehaving in front of strangers generally leads to the public finding out about said misbehavior. Stamos claims innocence, and that his blackmailer does not actually have any incriminating photos of him, but the lesson stands: Every phone has a camera, and nobody is afraid to use it. Or, in the words of Hall and Oates, private eyes are watching you.

2) Don't Be a Violent, Unrepentant Ass
It's gross enough hearing just one of the recorded phone calls that allegedly transpired between Mel Gibson and his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva; that there are now four, possibly more, makes our blood run cold. A tip, Mel: If you wanted America to forgive that other drunk, bigoted tirade of yours, you probably should've given them up entirely for more than just Lent. In fact, we suggest that you keep your mouth shut forever. Also, you've totally ruined "Maverick" for us, you douche.

3) Stay Out of It
Let's say you are friends with someone who turns out to be a violent, unrepentant ass, a fact proven via recordings that indicate such behavior is more the rule than the exception. Do not try to cover your own self-doubt about having befriended this person by trying to convince us that it's all a misunderstanding. Do not try and blow him/her off as a gentle bonehead who made an oopsie. In fact, it may be in your best interest not to insert yourself into this P.R. firestorm at all, rather than -- just for example -- workshopping your personal, conflicting feelings with Joy Behar sitting there next to you making doubtful faces.

4) Break Up in Private
If we've learned anything from LeBron James' announcing on live TV that he's leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers to play for Miami (in what must have been the media circus of the year), it's that when you're fixing to break someone's heart -- or the hearts of lots of someones -- it's considered kind to do it in person, and alone, instead of in front of millions of people, because creating a spectacle makes you look like a jerk and also opens you up to receiving angry letters written in silly fonts.

5) Show Up at Court
Celebrities often whine that, when they get busted for misbehavior, the legal system is making an unfair example of them solely due to their fame. The correct response to this sentiment is either A) avoiding all your court dates, then inventing a labyrinthine series of excuses as to why, all while being photographed doing things that contradict those excuses; or B) showing up on time to court, acting remorseful, taking responsibility, and cleaning up your act. Lindsay Lohan somehow got that one wrong. Don't Lohan yourselves, please, America. That shouldn't be too hard to remember, right?