"Women who cross their legs deserve to be cheated on."
That statement basically sums up the premise behind Aussie psychologist Holly Hill's new book, "Sugarbabe: The Controversial, Real Story of a Woman in Search of a Sugardaddy
," which hits shelves this month. Among some of Hill's more fascinating theories: Couples who want to stay together should try out "negotiated infidelity," with a "sugarbabe" who acts as what we can best describe as a surrogate wife meets Hooters waitress. And who, by the way, is paid for ministering to your man.
Intrigued (and more than a little skeptical) we tried to find out exactly what Hill is thinking -- and what it was like to be a bona fide sugarbabe -- as she, of course, was.
Lemondrop: Define what you mean by the term "sugarbabe." And what does it take to be a successful sugarbabe?
For me, a sugarbabe is like a sex worker in many ways, except she only has a single customer. She also provides a lot more services, such as the three C's: cooking, counseling and conversation. The most successful sugarbabes are those who have the wives' permission! It would be lovely to negotiate with "Mrs. Sugar Daddy" and find out how you could complement each others' efforts to ensure the (common) man in your lives is happy and healthy. Personal attributes [of a sugarbabe] should include generosity, high self-esteem, excellent conversational skills, reasonable looks -- if you're a "stunner," you're at a disadvantage, because sugar daddies don't want to attract too much attention -- and you need to be a good lover, of course.
What about the other term you coin in the book, "negotiated infidelity"? What does this mean, and how many couples can honestly make it work?
Negotiated infidelity is about negotiating some sort of sexual alternative for your partner if you have unmatched libidos. It's about formally establishing a set of rules and boundaries for your relationship. For example, I'm unprepared to share intimacy with other women, so my partner may sleep with every woman in the WMBA for all I care, but he's not permitted to spoon any of them. For his part, I'm not allowed to wear any of the clothes that he's purchased for me when I'm with other men. Every couple is unique and the rules don't have to go both ways -- unless we want them to.
Asking all women to be comfortable with open infidelity is a tall order. What suggestions do you have for women not willing to go this route?
Start laying the foundations for negotiated infidelity instead. This means total honesty, open communication, and looking your partner in the eye and asking if they're "getting enough." If he/she says no, it does not mean throwing a fit, but instead saying something like, "I am not prepared for you to break our monogamy vows, but is there something else that could assist? Could we lift the pornography filter from the computer at night, or get some time away from the kids, so you can masturbate without fear of being seen?" If you love someone, you try and meet their needs, not scoff at them and deny they exist.
Define "naughty feminism," which also pops up in your book. And how can women who have a sugardaddy really be considered feminists?
Naughty feminism is about exchanging vulnerability for power, so it's definitely a feminist concept! Let's face it -- if life gives you a lemon, you make lemonade. Genetic modification might be OK for fruit, but not for guys. That means we have to use men's biology to work for us, rather than against us. Naughty feminism is walking the dog on a leash rather than letting it escape through a hole in the back fence. It doesn't necessarily mean negotiating other lovers, either -- it could be pornography, a lap dance, or even being allowed to perve himself stupid.
Tell us about your tenure as a sugarbabe. How long did you do this, and do you now consider yourself one of those "sluts who make better lovers" you talk about in the book?
The sugarbabe experience lasted about 12 months and was condensed for the book. I'm proud to call myself a slut in that I'm now a sex writer. I couldn't think of anything worse than getting sexual advice or reading sex scenes from someone who isn't doing it a lot. Never trust an unpromiscuous sex writer, I say!
Why did you focus exclusively on wealthy men? What's wrong with having a fling with a blue-collar guy?
Find me a blue-collar man who can afford $1,000 a week for a sugarbabe, and I'm his gal!
You mentioned that you got 11,000 hits from potential suitors when you advertised for a sugar daddy. What was the craziest proposition?
The strangest request was also the nastiest -- a man wanted me to be his personal assistant and have an affair with him, while his wife didn't know about it. To make matters worse, he wanted me to befriend his wife, so we could have threesomes later on.
Do you feel that any woman, at any age, can be a sugarbabe? Even if you're 50-plus?
Hell, yes! Older women make much better lovers because they've come to terms with their bodies, and they have more lovemaking skills, enabling them to put men at ease instead of the other way around. Plus, they likely have vodka in the freezer instead of a cheap bottle of wine.
One of your statements, "Women who cross their legs deserve to be cheated on," seems to intimate that women who aren't sexually promiscuous are basically asking for disappointment. Do you really believe that?
Women who cross their legs -- and most of us have every right to do this at some time in our lives -- and don't provide some sort of sexual relief for their men WILL be cheated on. We all make jokes about blueballs, but they are real. This means we must negotiate an alternative, which could be pornography -- anything as long as it enables him to get his rocks off.
You say that women shouldn't take infidelity too personally. Yet so many of us do. So, why is this the case?
Women have sex for things like love, cuddling, kissing and so on. Men have it for pressure relief, a cheap thrill or because their wives have crossed their legs. The problem lies in the fact that women project values onto men. Our cheating husbands don't love the people they are having sex with. In fact, half the time, they don't even want to know their name. Nature made men and women this way, and without thousands of years of evolution, we will continue to fail in marriage 50 percent of the time. If you don't change the recipe, the end result will always be the same.
How have your theories been perceived by therapists and couples counselors? I imagine that you have some detractors. What do you say to them?
Interestingly enough, many therapists and counselors are beginning to adapt my ideas. They will soon have the happiest clients. And it's perhaps why traditional psychology often takes months or even years to work!
You're currently in a relationship. How does this person feel about your approach to negotiated fidelity? Have you ever been married, or are you opposed to this societal ritual?
I practice negotiated infidelity with my partner and he worships the ground I tread on, as would any man whose partner allows him to have as much sexual release as he likes. It also taps into his competitive nature. There's nothing worse than having a dedicated wife sitting at home that no one else wants. A woman who's desired by other men will receive chocolates and flowers, but why should he give them to someone who's already (and completely) his? I haven't been married, but my life's work is about making lifetime soul mates a commonality rather than a rarity. This might mean marriage, a commitment ceremony, or whatever it is the couple wants.
You mention that young women nowadays should be comfortable using their bodies to get jobs. In what way, and do you believe this will gain them respect once they actually have the job?
Men use their biceps, models use their beauty, massage therapist use their hands, so why on Earth should young women not use their vaginas? Men desire sex more than anything in the world. Do you think the woman whose husband is sleeping with everything that moves is respected? And why does the "office slut" get all the promotions?
Why do you say that women are far more dangerous when it comes to cheating?
A sugarbabe is a professional doing a job, while a mistress is a woman with her heart on the line.
Is there anything you wish you had done, but didn't, during your sugarbabe days?
I don't have a single regret, just big mistakes that delivered great lessons, which I don't want to part with. My only wish is that the 50 percent divorce rate becomes a thing of the past, because relationships are based on biology and mutual happiness rather than outdated beliefs and miscommunication.
What's next up for you?
I'm currently writing my third book, "The Velvet Pouch," which is about women and my path to negotiated infidelity. There were some tears along the way, too!
Liz Ozaist is about to celebrate her fifth wedding anniversary. She has never been -- nor wanted to be -- a sugarbabe.