Here at Lemondrop, we're equal-opportunity objectifiers. We don't care whether you're male, female, a soccer player, a sandwich -- we will reduce you to a target of our lust and not even think twice about it. We're James Woods ... with ovaries.

Recently, we had the revelation that there have been some hot young criminals in the news. (Ha ha, not you, Van der Sloot! We're not into murder or the shaved-bear-missing-a-chromosome look.) See: Colton "Barefoot Bandit" Harris-Moore and Adam "Harvard Faker" Wheeler.

So, in the interest of science (criminal psychology is totally a science, shut up), check out our side-by-side comparison and vote below on which one you'd like to extradite to the republic of Your Futon.

BAREFOOT BANDIT

HARVARD FAKER


Name: Colton Harris-Moore

Age: 19

Crime:
Theft of "at least five" airplanes (!!!!!), a boat, multiple automobiles. Suspect in over 100 burglaries of private residences. But, seriously, airplane theft!

Best Feature:
His height. Good lord, his height! Sucker is 6-foot-5-inches tall! How do you hide from the police for so long when you're basically a mobile oak tree that steals?

Cool Factor: Was arrested in a high speed boat chase!

Why We'd STILL Hit It: Aside from the whole sexy "Internet folk hero" thing (Colt's crimes have earned him his own Facebook fan page), he once left cash at a veterinary clinic and a note indicating that it was "for the care of animals." Sing us that Sarah McLachlan abused-pet song and make criminal love to us, Colt!







Name: Adam Wheeler

Age: 23

Crime: Faked his transcripts to get into Harvard and bilk the school out of thousands of dollars in scholarship cash, racking up 20 charges, including identity fraud, larceny and forgery.

Best Feature: Eyes! If Jake Gyllenhaal ran his photo through that "what would our baby look like" software with John Krasinski's, A) Would you be surprised? and B) result: Adam Wheeler.

Cool Factor: Actually got kicked out of Bowdoin! Usually you have to kill a guy to do that.

Why We'd STILL Hit It: A tipster who went to Harvard with him told Gawker that he often won "banana-eating contests." (We also love to overeat!) Wheeler once described himself in an email as "sententious, crypto-tendentious, slightly pedantic with a streak of contrarianism." OOHHH! Do us AND our A.P. English homework, Adam!


(Photos: AP)