Lemondrop

Congratulations, dear reader, we hear you have a job! You've even kept it, you're doing well, and your boss likes you -- she really likes you. Yet, you haven't gotten a raise? Lemondrop asked Diane L. Katz, PhD, author of "Win at Work! The Everybody Wins Approach to Conflict Resolution" for help navigating the tricky waters of asking for a raise so everyone can go away happy.

According to Katz, most people are more comfortable discussing their sex lives than talking about money, so we asked her to walk us through the process of asking for a raise in a way that keeps everybody happy.

Lemondrop: You've studied conflict resolution. Would you say there's one right way to resolve a conflict at work?
Katz: There's very few things in life that have one right way. If we think of general guidelines in terms of resolving conflict, we're going to think about: How can I be collaborative even when I'm in conflict with someone else so that we can resolve issues? How can I be compassionate about the person I'm in conflict with, so we can more likely come to an agreement? And third, how can I use language that is not charged, not blaming, but more focusing on problem-solving and being creative? Those three things are most important.

In your book, you talk about understanding people's work and management styles as being crucial. One thing struck me as important to finding a way to resolve things to your benefit: understanding the male and female approaches. Can you talk about that?
The masculine and feminine approaches are not gender-specific, actually. Many men and women have both. Essentially, the masculine way is attacking, linear, the "take no prisoners" method, and the way the organization is designed is a pyramid. In the masculine motif, when we let people go at work, we "terminate" them. It's more aggressive and in your face. In contrast, the feminine approach is more conciliatory, more compassionate, perhaps more withdrawing -- less on the confronting side and perhaps not even discussing conflict. I've tried to combine the two with the process I've designed. Together, I can be assertive, deal head on, and at the same time be compassionate.


Why do you think it's so difficult for people to address conflict?
On a very basic level, many people have issues with anger. Either "I have trouble expressing it", or "I spew it." If you overlay that and put that at work, generally, the unwritten rule is that we're not supposed to get too emotional, even though we do. As children, we learn how to express anger based on what we see around us, and then as we grow into adulthood, we're still doing the same things we did as kids, even though we need to learn differently. And the last thing, at work, we don't necessarily get rewarded for being problem solvers and dealing with conflict effectively. We get rewarded for results, and sometimes we step on people to get those results, and that doesn't really help the organization.

It's like the person who goes up to their award and says, "I'd like to thank all the little people ... that I stepped on, on the way up ..."
Exactly. And no one wants that.

In the down economy, it seems that people are even more nervous to ask for what they want, and settling for whatever they can get, since they're nervous they might be fired. Does that strike you as so unusual?
Oh, no, not at all. Even before this downturn in the economy, people are probably more comfortable talking about sex than they are talking about how much money they have in the bank. Asking for a raise, especially now, is a tricky and sticky situation. Before these harder times, many people had a hard time asking, since they're unsure of what happens when they get a response.

So what do you suggest?
The first thing and most important in terms of asking for what you believe you deserve -- not what you need. The fact that you have six kids and a mortgage to pay is not your boss's concern -- your boss's concern is the job that you do. First, I have to make sure that I'm doing a good job. Not that I THINK I'm doing a good job, but to know from what others have told me and how I compare, and to know I stand on solid ground.

Second, I need to be able to ask at a time when I can have privacy with my manager, when my manager is approachable and not in a crisis or otherwise occupied.

Not two minutes before the end of the day?
Exactly. Not when he or she is expecting an important call. I also need to make sure I can deal with whatever answer I get. I can't go in with a mindset of "If I don't get a yes, I will be so angry!" That doesn't work. You must be ready to accept any response I get, and make decisions accordingly. I'd want to be able to say something like: "I know this is a hard time. I understand. The reason I'm talking to you is that I believe at this time, I've worked hard enough and well enough, that I deserve X (whatever it is I'm asking for). I really want you to consider it, and I'm willing to talk about it with you, and to hear what you have to say. And then to listen, and to be ale to negotiate. If I get an outright no, then I might ask, "When can we have this conversation again?"

I understand the idea of asking for a follow-up and what's intended, but how can you really say that so you're not seen as demanding or begging?
I would say something like "I really enjoy working here and with you, and I'd like to see how we can work this out. If the response is more like, "Well, you know, I'd love to give you a raise, but your performance hasn't been exactly what I'd like it to be ..." Instead of defending myself, I'd simply ask, "What would you like to see that you're not seeing now, so I can come back to you and we can have a different kind of conversation?" Once I started defending, my boss will have to defend him or herself, and then I lose. Remember: it's not an argument -- it's a clear discussion about performance. If there's an outright no, I say a genuine thank you, and I stop. I'll remain a positive professional, and I'll make whatever decisions I need to make.

And if you get a yes? Other than jumping up and down?
If I get a yes, a smile comes over my face. And I will say, well, how much do you think you can do? Then it's negotiation time. If I see no room for negotiation because of current times, I just say thank you, I appreciate whatever you can do. And then I can go on my way. Negotiating is all in context of where I work and my relationship with my boss.

How do you figure out what you can live with and without? How do you figure out what you cave on what you can't? And at the same time not be so hard-line that you're overlooking the YESes.
There's two parts to that. 1) I need to look personally in my life. In simple numbers, if I'm earning $100 and I need $120 to live and I'm taking out of the bank to live, there's that. I won't mention that to my boss -- work is not charity. And the other side is I need to have conversations and keep my ear to the ground. What's going on with other people at the company? Is this an environment where nobody is getting anything? Maybe I hear someone else got something? If it's someone I trust, I might ask them some advice. How did that work for you? So you have to evaluate: What do I personally need and where do I stand relative to others in the company?

So, if you're asking for five different conditions, how do you figure out what to accept, if you're not going to get everything?
I think it depends in part of who I'm talking to. If I'm talking to someone who will feel better as the decision who says, "Here's what I can do for you," I'll step back a little, so they can feel like they're taking care of me. But if I'm talking to someone who isn't a great decision maker and needs some guidance -- and we all know, hopefully, how to manage our bosses and figure out if this is your boss ... If that's the case, you can say, "I know I need bottom-line $5,000 more a year. It could be cash, benefits, Metrocard, or otherwise. Tell me what you think about that." I'd present it that way. But you really have to be able to read your boss to know which approach is the right one.

Final tips: For the timid, how do you finally bite the bullet?
For the people who are timid, I would practice with a friend. If it's a friend who works in the same organization, that's terrific, since they know the culture. Practice until you feel comfortable. One thing that really works is to practice deep breathing so they're not thrown off their feet. Practice your own script. Keep telling yourself that you deserve what you're asking for. If you don't feel you deserve it, no one else will.

To summarize, your short course of action to ask for a raise:
1) Review your own issues. Am I doing a good job? Am I getting good feedback? Have I been successful the past six to nine months? If so, proceed.
2) Plan your approach. Include in that asking yourself, "What do I want? And what do I deserve?"
3) Get a sense of what's going on in the organization. Where do you stand with the organization? What are the current practices in the organization?
4) Schedule uninterrupted private time with your boss to talk.
5) Make sure you're able to deal with the response after the conversation in a professional manner.

Stephanie Jo Klein works in the music business for the legendary New Music Seminar and is also a New York–based freelance writer whose byline has appeared in the New York Post, Glamour, TV Guide and Fortune Small Business. The first time she asked for a raise, she was so nervous she sounded angry. But practice made perfect years later.