Summer is a season of extremes -- it's the stickiest, hottest, humidest part of the year; there are tornadoes and thunderstorms; cold beer tastes colder and beer-ier; and women -- you wonderful, insane women -- start wearing next to nothing at all. You know what men love? Half-naked women.
While dudes are still sporting suits to the office (this is why I've never had a "real" job -- I've seen rotisserie chickens at Boston Market look more comfortable than those poor bastards), women are going to work in sundresses, shorts, skirts ... their skin is everywhere. Huzzah to summer!
The summer season is a bit of lay-up for you ladies; you can almost do no wrong. But -- and this is sort of a huge but -- there are some summer fashion trends that are kind of inexplicable to us guys.
Let's take a look and try to figure out what the hell is going on with these outfits.
You know what doesn't inspire most men when it comes to beachwear for ladies? The military. You know what I don't want to see on the beach? A gal who looks like she's on patrol in Afghanistan's Korangel Valley. I saw a couple of cute women getting on a train at Penn Station with beach gear: the big, striped bag with the lotions and books and towels, a cooler, the oversize sunglasses ... It was a perfect little image of summer until I noticed they both appeared to be wearing camo and mesh tents over their boobs. Gals? It's Long Beach Island and it's 2010, not Omaha Beach in 1944.
The "Zipper Dress"
Honestly, unless you're a genetically gifted South American, this is probably not going to work for you. Yes, yes, I'm dying to pull the zipper down, we're all dying to pull the zipper down, the whole town
wants to pull the zipper down ... But to pull this off, you're either from Copacabana, play bass in a band and have not one but multiple skull tattoos, or you work at a fetish store. Otherwise, you sort of look like a couch cover.
About as erotic as the hand towels that inspired them. Or is this Care Bear material? Either way, boo.
I just hate them and I don't really know why. From the back, yes, I like them, but from the front, the strange cut of the thing, the big sweeping V that is basically a window to the ribcage for any girl not in possession of double D's (and those girls can't really wear this dress unless they have cross-eyed nipples) is for some reason anathema to me. As I explain this, I feel like I sound insane, as I love most clothes that expose a lot of skin, but for some reason this dress infuriates me. Where does that swooping neckline think it's going? When did the solar plexus become must-see real estate?
Those Open-Toed Sandal Boot Things
What the heck are
these? No, seriously, is the top of your foot heat-sensitive but you lack good circulation about the calves? Please take these off.
Tube tops can be super-hot, but then there are those tube tops with too much material beneath the boobs, and then the overall effect is of a woman attacked by a pile of laundry. God I sound like a jerk, don't I? I think you know what I'm talking about, though. Those tube tops with all that tubing around the belly.
Mixed feelings. On the one hand, they're essentially short-shorts that happen to also be like this weird one-piece thing. I've seen women wear the rompers (great name, by the by) and look amazing, and then I've seen them wear the rompers and look like they should be drinking out of a juice box with a booger in their nose.
(Editor's Note: It's not just guys who hate this trend. Read one woman's plea asking you to say "No!" to rompers)
Fringed Tops of Any Sort
You know what your clothes don't need? Fake hair.
Excess Pleats / Pockets / Crotch Material
What woman needs this many folds and pockets? Why do I feel like these are pants for French mimes? Also, you already have the purse to store stuff, and besides, technology keeps making everything smaller, I'm pretty sure Apple makes an baby-carrot-sized iPod at this point. Yet there you are, an otherwise attractive woman wearing a pair of pants with enough fabric to parachute a cat off of a suburban roof.
What are you hiding under there? A peg leg? Chemical explosives? An army of small children about to dance out from underneath you, like in "The Nutcracker"?
In sum, I realize this all sounds pretty obnoxious. Truthfully, you can do just about no wrong with your summer wardrobe, as long as we labor under the illusion that you will let us take it off at some point. But keep in mind that we will not be able to tell you whether or not you look good in your weird, strappy Greek booties and terrycloth jorts, because we are too busy being completely freaking confused.
But you really can't go wrong with short-shorts, and that's the point. And roller skates, if you have them.
While We're on the Topic...
+ Accessories We Love that Men Hate
+ Stuff Guys Wear that WE Hate
+ How to Appropriately Cover-Up At the Beach
[Redacted] Guy is the resident Single Guy writer for Lemondrop. One day, he tried to see if he could agitate those topless models hired to stand at the entrance of Abercrombie and Fitch with a particularly filthy and insensitive joke. But it turns out that -- unlike the beefeaters at Buckingham Palace or the guards at the tomb of the unknown soldier -- Abercrombie and Fitch employees are allowed to laugh and converse with civilians. It was awkward. He got their emails!
You can send him hate mail and love letters here, and follow him on Twitter.