Lucy Meadmore: Like a Virgin...
Melani Robinson: Is He Toy Worthy? Looking for Mr. Goodvibe
This week Nick and Emily take on the subject of almost every sitcom and romantic comedy: What do you do when you find yourself falling for a friend? Our intrepid gal is crushing on her guy pal and feels like she's getting signals that he may be into her too. Does she make a move, "Friends"-style, and risk rejection, or wait around, pining in silence ("Friends"-style)?
Guy Voice: Nick Nadel
I want to buy you an ice cream cone. Something with sprinkles, or perhaps hot fudge. Because, as '80s hair-metal band Winger once said, you're headed for a heartbreak. You've been given the classic "I want someone just like you, only not you" line that is pretty much a one-way ticket to the "friend zone." Basically, he wants someone who has all the qualities he likes in you, but who is not you at all. Someone whom he finds as sweet, caring, funny and giving as you, but whom he's also attracted to. It sucks, right? Believe me, I know. This sort of thing happened to me all time during high school. For years, I would get "I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship" coupled with a little "Why can't more guys be like you?" (Oh, that one stings. I'm a guy like me! Right in front of you.)
If he was interested, he would have done something, anything, by now instead of just talking about the kind of girlfriend he wants right in front of you. (Which, by the way, is completely uncool if he shares even the slightest inkling of your feelings toward him.) He's not playing coy, hoping that you'll pick up on his none-too-subtle hints. He's -- how does that popular phrase go? -- just not all that preoccupied with you.
Also, is it possible that you're maybe reading too much into his description of his "perfect" girlfriend? Could it be that you so desperately want to believe that you're the perfect girl for him, that when he says he likes, say, sassy brunettes you immediately think "That's me!"? It's difficult to see through crush blinders. They're like 3-D glasses, only more headache-inducing.
The best thing you can do is take what he says as a compliment and move on to someone else. Clearly you're girlfriend material and just need to find the right person. You may also have to take a break from this friendship until you start dating someone and/or get over your pal completely.
Believe me, it won't get any easier. He'll date girls who are like you, only dumber and louder. They'll break his heart, and you'll be there, providing a shoulder to cry on. At best, maybe you'll have an awkward drunken hook-up that'll just make things weirder when he expects everything to go back to normal. It's best to focus your energy elsewhere, and accept that he'll always be, in the immortal words of Biz Markie, just a friend.
Girl Voice: Emily Gordon
Falling for a friend is one of the most deliciously excruciating things that can happen to you as an adult, so get ready to strap on your helmet and get messy. Before I get into what you should do, let me first check to see when you started falling for this guy. Has it been on a slow burn for a while, but the heat turned up after this big "What do you want in a girl/boyfriend?" conversation, or did you notice that he was talking about wanting a girl similar to you and start seeing him in a different light? It's an important distinction, because I don't want you to dig someone just because there's a possibility that he's digging on you. So step back for a minute and start thinking about when your feelings for this guy started.
If we're assuming a slow-burn crush, my advice is for you to GO FOR IT! Maybe he described a girl so similar to you as a way of sending signals to you, because when friends fall for each other, everyone is scared to make a move out of fear of rejection. Maybe he wasn't talking about you at all, but would you be OK never knowing what could have been?
It's trite but it's true, life is short, and if you never risk anything, you stay safe, stagnant and full of regret. Our rejections strengthen us, and when we risk and it pays off, it makes us fearless. It's time to get out of your comfort zone.
So my advice to you is to approach this guy sweetly, confidently and directly. Tell him that no matter what happens, you'll remain friends, but that you have feelings for him, and you'd regret not letting him know. Maybe he'll react by taking you in his arms, maybe he'll be weirded out and excuse himself. Maybe things will be weird between you for a bit, but no matter what happens, be proud of yourself that you took a risk and did it on your own terms.
What do you think? Have you ever fallen for a guy friend and gone for it? If so, what happened? Are you currently pining for a guy friend and terrified to do anything about it? We want all the details! Leave your comments below, and if you have a question you want both genders to take a shot at answering, head over to Guyspeak and ask -- it might end up back here!
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Thursday 17 June
By Do it!
I totally agree with the girl's advice in this case. I met a guy during my freshman year of college that I found very attractive. Initially, I didn't find him very interesting though. We started hanging out more and more, and I found his aloofness sort of a challenge (and I love a good challenge). He was good looking and every girl had a crush on him, yet he never dated much, even though he could have any girl he wanted. After a few years, we became closer friends and my attraction towards him grew. One of my friends even drunkenly told him I liked him. He never did anything about it, so I figured he didn't like me. We acted as if that incident had never happened. Finally, I just tired of waiting and asked him out on a date point blank. He said yes. We had a rough patch where we broke up briefly, but got back together and have been together ever since (2 years). He's the best boyfriend a girl could ask for, and we're one of the happiest couples I know of. I'm so glad I worked up the courage to do it, even if he was sort of shy and didn't show any signs of attraction to me. I've always been the kind to take chances, though, so for me it would have been way harder to wonder what may have been if I had not done it versus taking a rejection.
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Thursday 17 June
By Lissa
Just over a year ago, I fell for a good friend of mine. We did everything together and there was an obvious attraction. If he or I showed up somewhere without one of us, everyone asked where "our significant other was." Before long, he asked me to be his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, things turned majorly sour and he found someone else. Now I'm best-friendless and for a long time, I was broken-hearted. Dating best friends never works out well!
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Friday 18 June
By Laura
Couldn't agree with the guy's advice more. I was very much in the position of the girl whom asked the question and I'm pretty sure Nick wrote this explicitly for me:
"Believe me, it won't get any easier. He'll date girls who are like you, only dumber and louder. They'll break his heart, and you'll be there, providing a shoulder to cry on. At best, maybe you'll have an awkward drunken hook-up that'll just make things weirder when he expects everything to go back to normal"
That's the worst part, the him just expecting it to go back to normal thing. I feel for that girl but I don't think anything good could come out of that situation.
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Friday 18 June
By What might have been
I have to agree with the girls voice here. I met my best friend 5 years ago, and fell for him, but he never said anything and so I took the hint. I tried to move on and began dating my now husband. I distanced myself from my friend, and tried to forget my feelings for him without much success. We stayed in touch, and would get close for awhile, then put barriers up once more. I even broke off my engagement once to see if he would do anything about it. So long story short, I got married. fantasizing that my friend would ocme to me before the wedding and tell me not to marry him, but he didn't and I got married. I still have feelings for my friend, and probably always will. My parents and sisters warn me to stay away from him since they say he cares for me. (They do not know my feelings for him). I wish I had taken the initiative and at least said something. now I have years and sleepless nights of wondering. I know in my heart his answer would have been thanks, but no thanks; but at least it would have been worth the risk.
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Sunday 20 June
By doc
women really dont have a clue how men think, really, you dont. concerning relationships i mean
here's a simple analogy, if a guys brain had actual moving parts, you girls think there's 1,000,000........ in reality there are 3 ok? we're not complicated.
in other words... if you got a thing for some guy, and he hasn't made a move, he most likely thinks your not interested or the like.
say something, open your mouth, talk, ok? geez... he isn't going to bite you
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Monday 21 June
By skk
I have to completely agree with the girl's voice. My own experience was a bit of the opposite (a really good guy friend of mine was crushing on me), but I thank god every day that he had the courage to tell me how he felt. I was crushing on him too, but was just too shy to say anything. And now, because he had the courage to tell me, we have been together for over 2 years now, are preparing to move in together in a month or so, and are talking about getting married in a few years.
So, while some of these people might be right in saying that if he liked you he would have done something by now, its not always that way. We (or I know at least I) like to think of guys as being brave and direct, especially when they're crushing on a girl. But guys can be just as nervous and scared of rejection as us girls. It took my guy about a year to work up the courage to sit me down and tell me how he felt. So I say its definitely worth taking the risk of telling him how you feel.
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Tuesday 22 June
By Molly
hey what movie is the photo for this article featured on the scroll bar header from?
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Tuesday 22 June
By asdf
asdlfkj
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Tuesday 22 June
By make a move
I think the guy's advice is wrong, speaking from personal experience. In high school I had a crush on a friend that liked me back (unknown to me then). As I prepared to tell him, he started dating another girl. I took it as a sign that he wasn't interested. He proceeded to date a few other girls after that relationship did not work out. I went away to college, and he did his own thing. Several years later he confessed he had always liked me. I was astounded. By this point in time, I already had a boyfriend and we were very happy together (and still are). I'm happy with how things worked out in the long run, because I'm very happy with my current life path, but the point is you never know what you might miss out on by not taking a risk.
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Wednesday 23 June
By Lisa
I've fallen for a friend this year. First we were co-workers, then we work out buds, then friends. I was not interested in him at all when we first met, but he slowly grew on me. By spring our two groups of friends had merged and I found all of us hanging out all together every weekend, while the week was reserved for low-key one-on-one hangouts, but no distinguished "dates". My friends (who are very vocal) have told him and his friends that I have feelings for him (and have also drunk-ing-ly told him that he needed to "make bad decisions with me asap" which he mentioned to me and we laughed it off) The thing is, HIS friends have also told me multiple times that He likes Me too! When we go out on the weekends, they have also told me that I need to grab him and drag him to the dance floor because he is too shy. I know I am being stubborn, but tradition tells me that if a guy likes you enough HE will ask you. I'm old fashioned and believe I deserved to be chased (and yes, I enjoy being chased), but maybe I'm just being as much as a coward about the situation as he is. Do I wait for him to gain courage or make a move?
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Monday 12 July
By Socrates
Okay, the guy was just dead wrong. That's absolutely not true. I think that is totally true in the case of GIRLS saying that kind of stuff to GUYS, and thus why he associates those experiences with rejection, but GUYS on the other hand trying to maybe drop hints towards girls especially friends, commonly commonly commonly freaking have that "so what type of guys do you like" conversation. They absolutely do, because let me, as a guy, reassure you, he may totally be into you. Cause you want to know what's 10x less common then a guy asking that question and wanting to be just a friend? A guy giving two ****'s about whatever type of guys his friend whose a girl likes. We don't care. And what's even MORE less common, a guy having a girl as a friend who he was never interested in, nor if the opportunity came up he'd tap it. Let me let you in on a small secret, in general, guys don't even approach or broach a conversation with a girl unless they find her attractive. If he was the one who got to know you first, and he was the one who broached this topic, and you're even slightly attractive. He digs you. I'd bet money on it.
Thursday 22 July
By Anonymous
a few years ago i met this guy, and i fell for him as soon as i met him. at first i was so shy and barely talked to him... at all. it was awful. one day we were talking online and i confessed my feeling for him. he said he didnt know me well enough and that he liked my best friend. i wanted to just be a good friend because i liked him in general as a person and if we couldnt go out i wanted to at least be his friend. so for the past 2 years weve talked almost all day everyday. hes come to me about all his problems and he tells me im his best friend. we hang out all the time and know eachother so well and its perfect. except i still havent really gotten over him. im still prude (im in highschool) and it may just be cause im desperate, and it sounds weird but everytime im with him i just want to hug him and hook up with him and well hes my crush. but i actually have talked to him about it before and he said hed never hook up with me cause were too good friends. and i always get excited cause we like always talk about who we like and like all our problems and everything about what we want in a relationship and i thought he was like dropping hints but when i think about it he may just not be interested and i really dont wanna risk our friendship if i tell him i still havent gotton over him since 6th grade. i just want it to be like in valentines day when ashton kutcher and jennier garner fall for each other after being best friends which is what i want to happen with us.
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Sunday 22 May
By Audrey
I am in a similar predicament. I do rodeo(barrel racing, pole bending, etc) and my best guy friend(well call him Joe) is always there rooting me on. Hed rather hang out with me than some of his other friends, and gives me hugs, smiles alot at me, and is just incredible. Well I am falling hard and fast for him but I am terrified to tell him I like him. He's had on and off girlfriends the past couple years. I have never even had a boyfriend or kissed anyone so I am really torn on what to do.
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