The Kentucky Derby is this weekend! We plumb forgot! Which is crazy, because we have it marked as one of the few calendar days when it's acceptable to use the phrase "plumb." It's a day of gambling, drinking and talking in Foghorn Leghorn voices.
Sure, it's not everybody's cup of milk, but the Derby's great -- if only for the ridiculous, abject spectacle of it all. Without further ado, we give you five reasons to watch this year, even if you normally don't give a high-velocity manure. The neighs have it!
5. The Hats
You know when you were 4 years old and you put on that crazy, oversize flowered hat and walked around pretending to be a Fancy Lady? OK, picture a thousand of you like that, except grown-up, rich and drunk, trying to pronounce the word "equestrianism."4. Horses That Sound Like Romance Novels Poorly Translated From Navajo Into English Using Internet Software
Our favorite? "HomeboyKris." What is that, a Juggalo's screen name?
3. The Hot Brown
What is a hot brown, you ask? It's the Official Sandwich of the Kentucky Derby. (Come on, you know we'd love anything with an Official Sandwich.) What is it? Brace yourself, Bridget -- it's savory French toast topped with bacon, tomato and cheese gravy. CHEESE GRAVY, WE SAID! Get the recipe here
and wipe your watering mouth, you cretin.
2. This Guy
Oh, he'll be there.
Pretty much the best sippin' drink ever, juleps herald the coming of summer and are meant to be enjoyed while making heavy use of phrases like "I say" and "eeeeeyup." Our favorite is made with Kentucky straight bourbon. (Use Wild Turkey if you want to impress your bartender and your mustachioed old Southern gentleman friends.) Recipe below!
THE MINT JULEP
2-1/2 oz. Wild Turkey 101 bourbon
3 sprigs of mint (six to eight mature-size leaves)
1-1/2 teaspoons brown sugar
1/2 cup crushed ice
In a traditional silver julep cup or double old-fashioned glass, muddle two sprigs of mint with the brown sugar and one ounce of Wild Turkey for a few minutes, crushing the mint leaves with a spoon. Add the crushed ice, the remaining bourbon, and garnish with mint.
(Images: Getty, Flickr, shadle)