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Yeah, we know. Women make less than men. But a new study suggests that it's not gender discrimination, but the fact that we're too nice that's to blame. According to a recent New York Times article, our tendency to be more agreeable than men makes us less likely to negotiate for a higher salary, while our generally more amicable nature isn't likely to result in the lying, cheating and stealing that helps more aggressive humans (read: men) get ahead.
Sad to say, it makes sense. So many women are afraid to ask for what they really want -- which is usually perfectly in line with what they deserve. Last week, Nicole Williams, author of "Girl on Top: Your Guide to Turning Dating Rules Into Career Success" came to the Lemondrop office to give us a little career counseling.
And guess what? She agreed: To succeed in the workplace, a girl needs to be confident, assertive and, sometimes, a bit loud. We found her advice -- career insights based on sound dating tenets -- made a lot of sense. In fact, the second chapter of the book is called "Treat Him Mean, Keep Him Keen." And in the chapter, Williams brings up a good point: "Mean girls aren't afraid to be told no." Allow her to elaborate after the jump.
"The nice girl allows 'no' to feel too personal, while the mean girl (and men) recognizes that 'no' just means 'not now,'" says Williams. "As much as we'd like to believe that everyone else is looking out for our best interests, it just isn't the case. So if you're sitting around waiting for the raise, the promotion, or the corner office just to be handed to you, you'll be waiting for a while. Asking for what you want is not greedy, it's not rude, and it's not demanding. It's demonstrating you're aware of your worth, which, in turn, makes others value you even more."To further illustrate her point, take this example:
"This isn't a scientific study, but time and time again, I do the same experiment in my business and in mixed-gender seminars and find the same result. Here's the scenario:
A. Guy asks for a raise. I say no. He thinks I'm an ass.
B. Girl asks for a raise. I say no. She thinks she's an ass."
And that's the kind of real talk that makes us love Nicole -- she's wayyy more straight with you than your college career counselor (and much better dressed, too). Plus, she gives us strategies we can relate to. Check out these dating-tips-cum-job-advice:
Dating Strategy: Find a Similar Interest
Workplace Application: There's always a language attached to an industry. Every company has their own vernacular, know it and know it well. Like chemistry with your date, it can't be faked or forced.
Dating Strategy: Make It a Two-Sided Conversation
Workplace Application: Find relevant topics you can connect on, just like you would on a first date. With a guy, maybe it's that you're both outdoorsy, or that you're both dog-lovers. On a job, figure out something in your personal experience that's relevant to the company's current goals and initiatives. Are they looking to expand their online presence? Maybe you helped create a website or Facebook page for a charity you volunteer with.
Dating Strategy: Play Hard to Get
Workplace Application: What feels easy, we take for granted. What comes a little harder, we appreciate more. This applies to dating and interviewing. Express interest without desperation. This is why hand-written thank-you notes are so great: by nature, they arrive a few days later, so you're not following-up too quickly, and when your pretty thank-you note (it's a note, not a novel, remember that.) arrives, it will be a good reminder.
Dating Strategy: Don't Call Too Soon
Workplace Application: You don't want to seem too eager -- or annoying. Give them a chance to follow up with you. You have to appear as if there are other interested parties. Wait until at least one weekend has passed, as that's when people do their catchup from the week. And try to avoid the phone -- it puts people on the spot, and whether you realize it or not, you probably have some desperation in your voice. That's just a turn off.
Nicole Williams is one of the most bad ass chicks we know. Besides giving great career advice, she's currently partnering with Monster.com to help job seekers find their perfect match using their now search technology. For more career and job-hunting tips from Nicole, including how to ace a phone interview, how to manage your online image and advice on those super-difficult interview questions, visit RethinkYourResume.com.
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I Spent a Year in a Women's Prison
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Friday 30 April
By Hannah
"...while our generally more amicable nature isn't likely to result in the lying, cheating and stealing that helps more aggressive humans (read: men) get ahead."
Yes, because men are the ONLY ones who lie, steal, and cheat. I think not.
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Saturday 01 May
By Babyblueyed
When my contract was up for renewal, I tried to negotiate a little better deal than the pittance my boss was offering (it was highway robbery, really). I didn't asl for much more. Instead of telling me to take it or leave it, my boss gave me my termination notice the next day. Women are so undervalued, even by female bosses (as in my case). We have a long way to go.
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Sunday 02 May
By skwerlz
When I went in to my boss to ask for- or more to the point, insist on - a raise, I was also prepared to walk if things did not go as they should. We had a shouting match, I held my ground, and I came out with an even better raise than I could have ever expected. He was looking for someone with balls. Ladies, we all need a set, and we need to know when to use them!
Saturday 01 May
By Aerin
I have heard repeatedly that women, on average, get paid less than men and it is the result of 1) discrimination; 2) Our lack of negotiating skills; 3) our "nicer" nature. I am female and I worked for thirty years in a male dominated profession in which my salary was generally commensurate or even slightly above that of my male colleagues doing the same type of work. I would like to point out that in the current environment most employers don't really care whether you are male or female and, if you are a valuable employee, they want to keep you because they know you will be "poached" by a competitor if they don't. However, I am sick and tired of women whining that they aren't paid and respected the way their male colleagues are and never once looking at themselves first.
Take a look at this list and then ask yourself how many of those "higher paid" male colleagues would say "yes" to these questions or do they slough these chores off on their wives?
1. Do you habitually take extra time off to take your children to the doctor, the dentist, etc.?
2. Do you have to leave at a specific time every day to "pick up your children from day care" irrespective of the needs of the job and your company's clients?
3. Do you habitually need to take extra time off because your child or children are sick?
4. Do you have certain blocks of time scheduled as UNBREAKABLE time off because of your children's soccer, baseball, ballet recitals, etc.?
5) Are you unable to take unexpected business trips because "who will take care of the children?"
Finally, ask yourself, if your employer is preparing to hire an employee and choosing between a man and a woman, how often does he worry that the male employee will need maternity leave in the next five years.
Understand, your employer is NOT your husband or father; he is a consumer of labor, seeking to buy the highest quality labor for the lowest possible price. Try to think of him as yourself buying lettuce at the supermarket. You, on the other hand are the seller of your own labor. If the labor you are selling is unavailable at certain times and under certain conditions its "quality" is less, no matter how excellent it is the rest of the time. Think of a wonderful car that has to spend a week at the mechanic's every month.
The problem is that, even in this modern world, men usually stick their wives with these chores so they are free to take on the extra assignments, the late nights, the unexpected trips, et al. As a result, employers look at a male as more dedicated to their company's success and therefore more valuable.
Please don't whine at me that women are mothers and thus have a higher calling. Certainly motherhood may be a higher calling but you cannot expect your employer to subsidize your life style. Your choices are your own and you should be willing to pay for them! Children are a responsibility as well as a joy and you need to shoulder your responsibilities yourself. Don't expect me to do your work because you have children and then expect to receive the rewards of my hard work.
Reply
Sunday 02 May
By MN
Aerin, I totally agree with you, and I am a woman!
Sunday 02 May
By pat
Aerin-
You said what I see at work everyday. Thank you.
Sunday 02 May
By CEO
That is the greatest exlpaination I have every heard I will use this when I here it from my female employees in the future.
Sunday 02 May
By chris
O.K. Aerin
So it sounds like men should start leaving work early to take their kids to Dr. Appts then, so women can get ahead? What exactly is your point ding-dong?
Sounds to me you just hate women with children in general. Way to pay tribute to the woman who raised you..or is that the problem here. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist to deal with your mother hatred. How do you plan on working around your kids? ..or are you not going to have them?Is a man going to give up HIS career for you to pursue yours?
I'm glad there's people like you who are married to your job, because then you can fight it out with the other cold,heartless prestige seekers.
Me? I'll be relaxing at the lake with my husband and kids!
Enjoy the bar scene because that's all you will have when you leave work!!
Sunday 02 May
By kb
I'm a woman and I AGREE. Personally, I did choose my child for 17 years. I think it was a wise choice. When I saw that mothering the way I wanted to was not going to be compatible with the corporation, I quit. We decided to live on less money, and that was challenging. But I don't regret the time I had with my child. Was I behind financially when I went back? Yes. I went to work with 20 something employees but my job experience wasn't any more than theirs in the current market. So no complaints there. What irritated me was that every year for 10 years there was a woman who took months and months of maternity leave and I was expected to do her work. I guess they thought since I was a woman, I'd want to do the work of two women for the salary of one. Or maybe they thought I'd understand. What I understood was the same thing men see if they get stuck doing your job. When I got to the point I could comment on who was hired, I opted for co-workers past child-rearing age. We all have to realize you can't collect all the advantages of both parenthood and professions without all of the work for both. Why do we have to choose. Simple, no one can do 100% of two jobs 100% of the time. Whether you have to work or you choose to work, if you have kids, you have responsibilities that childless people don't have and they are yours.
Sunday 02 May
By ken
I suppose the ho's with Tiger didn't lie or cheat, or the one with John Edwards who knew he was married - she didn't lie or cjheat either! You are laughable!
Keep telling yoursleves that you are superior - someone needs to tell it to you - it might as well be you!
If you want more money , fight for it - don't keep trying to slam men to get ahead - it shows a weakness that is pathetic!
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Sunday 02 May
By Ken
It is sad that women have sex envy.
While guys are competing to put bread on the table and feed their children and pay their wife's credit card bills, women are crying in ther $20 fashiion-of-the-week martini's that they aren't appreciated -
Frankly, we don't care about your emotional state - so get over yourselves - you really aren't THAT special - unless you can learn to get rid of your sex envy and just hang with the crowd -
Your need to put others down in order to explain why you aren't getting ahead is a pathetic excuse for inability.
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Sunday 02 May
By reb
Trust me, I don't have sex envy and neither does most women I know.
for 20 years the male sex in my household sat on his lazy a88 and watched andy griffith reruns on tv. I raised the kids, worked, cut the grass, rewired the house, painted and fixed what needed fixing. I had my fun nights with my friends and the kids and i had great vacations. I made 10 x more than he did and so paid all the bills. I'm a beer and pizza kinda girl. Hate martinis. When my kids got older, i divorced him and left him right there in his reliner in front of the tv. I would never want to be that! Most women I know are like me. If you weren't such a "he-man-woman-hater" you'd maybe see that there are women out there doing in all and loving it!
Sunday 02 May
By jill
the comments above appear to highlight part of the problem.. somehow the men are turning this into an emotional issue. its not so much that women are afraid to ask for money, but that in doing so a woman is often perceived by male counterparts as being aggressive (not in a good way).
also, there are many women and couples who choose not to have children.
frankly both my male colleagues just had children and at least one of them shows up completely sleep-deprived, cranky, has multiple days off, often at short notice. he's also been known cut short a work day to tend to a sick cat.
while i realize its difficult not to speak in generalizations on these notice boards, it does seem that the only clear FACT is that women are still being underpaid... i find it difficult to imagine its because theyre ALL constantly distracted by their offspring.
maybe the real question is why are a lot of men being OVERPAID!!
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Sunday 02 May
By Larry Caldwell
Hey maowangking --It seems it's YOU going the wanking !--Clever bit of cut and paste there, moron----NOTHING TO DO with the news article!!! It IS the news article, followed by your CRAP advertisement. GET LOST! The comments folks who put the articles out there for us REALLY need to monitor creeps like you. People who are fed up with this garbage---DO something about it! REPORT THEM!
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Sunday 02 May
By taxocrat
And so many of you "smart women" want and crave the "moto-cycle ridin' leather jacketed, bearded wonder " loser bad boy who smacks you around a little before bed. I thought Sandra Bulock had a head on her shoulders.
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Sunday 02 May
By Dr. Kris
Since when is this an "either/or" situation?
We really have more than one variable at work here. BOTH ARE REAL. And so are a number of other variables, and any situation can have all of them involved. And then there is the interaction among them!
This is an incredibly simplistic viewpoint. And so is the "nice girl/mean girl" dichotomy.
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