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Standing by the side of an unfaithful husband may get you some shaking heads of disapproval, but it still happens all the time. So when Silda Wall held herself responsible for her husband Eliot Spitzer's extramarital affair with a hooker, we got kind of riled up. Sure, it takes two for a marriage to work -- but Wall shouldered all the blame for Spitzer's behavior, saying that she hadn't been "adequate in taking care of the sex." Which we presume to mean "keeping him happy in bed."
So we asked you: Does lackluster (or a lack of) sex give a guy the right to stray?
As Scammedbyawoman says, "The way husbands feel about wives who refuse to give their husbands a sex life is the same way wives feel about husbands who refuse to give their wives monogamy. It's the feeling of being on the receiving side of some pretty deceptive and fraudulent behavior.
"You want to know why? One reason is because for men the importance of a sex life in marriage is the same as how women view the importance of monogamy in marriage, and similarly, for men the importance of monogamy in marriage is the same as how women view the importance of a sex life in marriage. If you are unwilling to give your spouse what they consider most important, then you don't deserve to get what you consider most important, and it works both ways."
On the other hand, Stella says Spitzer had no excuse: "[Wall] is lame and a doormat ... If he wasn't happy with the sex, he should have sought a separation or divorce before he sought out a prostitute and exposed his wife to STDs."
TheVanityAffair agrees, offering little sympathy for Wall: "I don't know what's worse, taking all the anger out on the other person or only on yourself ... You're going to blame yourself that your husband couldn't keep it in his pants because you didn't perform adequately enough? Well I'd have to say both their brains aren't performing adequately enough ... they deserve each other. Maybe she'll feel really bad and invite the call girl over for tea. Pssh."
But having been in a relationship with a woman who immediately lost interest in sex after the two of them got hitched, Scammedbyawoman suggests that it's just as deceitful for a woman to resign from bedroom activities. But he says he chooses not to get a divorce because: "Divorce courts tend to give the house and the kids to the wife, while the husband than has to go find somewhere else to live, and he only gets to see his kids every other weekend. That's not fair, but that's typical. Women need to understand that divorce is BIASED in favor of the woman. The man usually loses his house and access to his kids if he divorces."
He points out, "The wedding vows promise 'TO HAVE and to hold, and TO HAVE no others.' Well, what exactly does 'TO HAVE' mean in the phrase 'TO HAVE no others'? Whatever you think it means? It has the same meaning in the first part of the vow 'TO HAVE and to hold.'
Agree or disagree with his comments? Let us know!
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Tuesday 11 May
By j v
it is not rite to cheat on oneanother after marrage for one unless you like to gamble most people get married in a church wich meens that your under oath stating to god him self that Both of you will always be Honest to each other AND GOD HIM SELF if all the sudden you go against that oath well unless you stop and ask that your sins be foregiven you might burn in Hell
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Friday 30 April
By sk
i understand what Scammedbyawoman is saying. however i still don't think that gives a man the right to cheat on his wife. there are so many other ways for him to resolve this issue, like letting his wife know what the problem is, and them both trying to do their best to fix it. isn't that what you're supposed to do in a marriage? be considerate if each other and try to work out problems together?
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Saturday 01 May
By anne
just be honest for the beginning. It's hard but it saves lots of pain in the end.
Figure it out and make it work or agree to..., move forward.
Friday 30 April
By Hannah
Funny enough. I have actually experienced SEVERAL of my female friends "excuse" their other female friends' cheating for reasons much like this. Poor sex life. But other things as well... "he wasn't home enough", "he doesn't make me feel beautiful anymore".
I don't prescribe to that doctrine. But I think it's funny how when a man does something wrong, it's inexcusable. But when a woman does something wrong, we find a way to sympathize with her.
Us girls aren't the only ones facing sexism. Men have to deal with it in their own ways too.
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Friday 30 April
By allie
i just have to say though i beleive it is wrong for a women to withhold sex from a man, the option that divorces always favor with the women is total and utter BULLSHIT!! just to let you know, i was raised by my FATHER, not my MOTHER, who i only saw on the weekends. plus if your afraid of finding another place to live well then go seek counciling and work it out, dont go screw around with somebody else. cheating period man or women is inexcusible period, i dont care if she grows a penis, cheating is just wrong. And maybe the reason she isnt into sex anymore is because your doing it wrong, how about that. unless you put in the effort dont expect to get anything back. also i know somebody who thought her and her husband had amazing sex, they had it every night, something she was proud of and '"BAM" he cheated on her. guys cheat, excuse me, PEOPLE cheat because they think they can get away with it, because their cowards who need ego busting validation, not because they are getting enough sex or attention from their partner.
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Saturday 01 May
By Fred Thomas
Wrong or right is not the issue. Thousands (men abd women) violate the oath during the course of a marriage. Rarely, if a man cheats with lots of women, does the wife not know. She then has unspoken right to cheat also, so long as she is discreet. Many, many women cheat after they find a partner that will not interfere with their home-life. While the husband cheats with everyone, she only cheats with an acceptable discrete consort. When a wife lose interest in sex after children, her husband always finds an outlet. Only an idiot thinks Spitzer's wife did not know, and was not complicit in his escapades Togetehr, they probably detemined his approach was safe for wife, children, career, and the public. The expensive prostitute approach permitted him to have his cake and eat it too, nd keep the family intact.
Friday 30 April
By scammed
The word 'cheater' does not distinguish between someone looking for sexual variety, versus someone who has a painfully obvious ZERO sex-life, and wants to find out if his wife is simply being too selfish to share herself with her husband and she is being an unfair spokesperson for all of womankind enforcing her opinion that her man doesn't deserve a sex-life when it probably is her opinion alone.
I'm married and I haven't had a sex-life since 1994. I consider myself a good parent, a husband WITHOUT benefits, and stuck in a loveless marriage. But somehow I believe that if I went out seeking for what is missing in my marriage I would be thought of as a Tiger Woods.
Marriage is such a scam for men when women use sex as a way to get a man to the altar, and then decide it is no longer important to the relationship.
Just because the novelty has worn off does not justify a wife deciding she is done giving her man a sex-life any more than it justifies a husband going to seek sex elsewhere. They are both equally bad behaviors.
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Saturday 15 May
By fonz
Ladies, what is so hard with putting out at least once a week? It's Free Entertainment for fucks sake!
Tuesday 18 May
By Iseult
as a female, i think you are sooooooo right!
Sunday 31 October
By Flamed
You are totally right! Being duped into marriage by sex and then cutting it off is a lie. I have done everything asked of me including counseling, talking, dates, etc. and nothing changes. I am so sick of women who defend wives for not putting out! My wife does not work, plays with my >$500,000 income all day while our kids are in school, and rolls her eyes when I feel amourous. When she does consent every month or three it is terrible! I say that Spitzer's wife was being brutally honest. More women should heed her advice. Any who do not should not be surprised when the man wanders.
Saturday 01 May
By scammed
Well Allie, I think you have more mental baggage that most people. None of the quotes from the other authors use the word "always", only yours. So the meaning of your post is mostly lost.
Also, your comment about "doing it wrong" ignores the two years of great sex BEFORE marriage, and the bedroom technique did NOT change AFTER marriage. The only thing that changed was her attitude about the importance of sex in the relationship AFTER the change in her marital status. That is the scam.
And finally, you need to understand the difference between someone looking for sexual variety, versus someone who has a painfully obvious ZERO sex-life, and wants to find out if his wife is simply being too selfish to share herself with her husband. These are NOT the same. The person looking for sexual variety may need what you call "ego busting validation". The person with ZERO sex-life does NOT. He just wants to feel loved, but instead he just feels scammed.
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Sunday 02 May
By SoCalOC
Scammed makes a great point, and unfortunately, there are many in this situation. It is extremely frustrating to have the rules change right after the game starts - and especially after you've agreed to start a family. It's frustrating both physically and emotionally. To stay faithful, It takes incredible patience and legitimate means to get that resentment out of your system (e.g. exercise, counseling, etc.). Frankly, it's amazing the best spouses out there don't stray more.
Thursday 06 May
By frustrated
I am getting married this summer to a wonderful man that I love hanging out with and I find incredibly attractive. We've been together for five years. The sex is pretty lackluster unless I add spice to it. He doesn't seem to know the first thing about bringing a woman to orgasm, and I've practically given him a map. He pays no attention to cues, almost never goes down on me (like 3 or 4 times a YEAR even though I've told him it's my favorite and would like it at least once a week), and when he does, he's not very good at it and doesn't try to learn how to do it better. I've tried to gently tell him, but he just doesn't seem to want to learn. Once a week is about how often we have any kind of sex, and again, I've said I want it 2-3 times per week. I'm often left frustrated and feeling like I'm unattractive. I've worried that I might stray sometime because of not getting enough and not getting it the way I'd like. So don't say they had "2 years of great sex"......I'm sure mine would see ours as "5 years of great sex", but I *don't* see it that way. Mine is great for him, but his is not great for me. I keep hoping he'll learn, but the bottom line is that I love him and want to be with him regardless.
Sunday 02 May
By female logic
Women say that if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women say that if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women say that if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women say that if a man strays, women say it's because all men are scum.
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Sunday 02 May
By female logic
Women say that if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women say that if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
Women say that if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.
However, if a man strays, women say that it's because all men are scum.
Why couldn't it be because of a lack of affection at home ?
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Sunday 02 May
By Sage
I love the honesty here. "Excuse". That's all this BS is: an excuse. It's not a reason. It doesn't JUSTIFY your actions. It's the way you soothe your own feelings. "Yes, I'm a jerk, but she DESERVED it."
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Sunday 02 May
By Jen
I'm a woman who has been married for 14 years. My husband is no longer interested in sex and frankly, as he has let himself go physically, I'm not interested in sex with him either. My lovers are all married men whose wives also have no interest in sex. We don't want to break up our marriages but we want and need sex and consider this our best alternative. Selfish, yes, but we consider our significant others selfish as well.
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Monday 21 February
By lost angel
Jen, you are living proof that the approach I am embarking on can work. And thank you for bringing common sense to this discussion. I don't like to air my dirty laundry but here goes. I have a wonderful home life with my wife of 17 years. And I love our 15 yr old daughter very much. My wife has some kind of obstruction that causes her to have pain during intercourse. I didn't believe it until after literally years of begging for sex, I found out that nothing could go in there. Long story short, I love her and need her for my life partner.. period.. My sex cravings just will not go away. No solution seemed possible short of voluntary castration. I have been looking for sex partners online but there don't seem to be any there. So Jen...... I need to find out how you do it. Please PM me if possible. just want to compare notes with you. Thanks
Monday 03 May
By Robin
Of course lack of sex doesn't give him the right to cheat.. it's LACK OF COMMUNICATION first and foremost.
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Tuesday 04 May
By Kaila
If a man is unhappy in his marriage i say call it quits. If you are trying to avoid divorce maybe you should just have an open relationship. Lying about affairs is much worse than just being open about them if you are going to have them. If your partner is withholding sex from you that seems like a big part of a relationship that they're witholding and in turn doesnt sound like much of a relationship at all. Everyone's different so... to each their own.
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