Welcome back to our revamped Guyspeak/Girlspeak, a happy little truce to the octagon-shaped cage fight between the sexes. This week Guyspeak's "Reformed Player" John DeVore and our very own Emily Gordon answered an actual question sent into Guyspeak. The two conversed via the magic of the inter-pipes -- instant message!



John DeVore
: Emily!

Emily Gordon: John! Who needs our help today?

John DeVore: Here's a question we got over at Guyspeak.

John DeVore: This woman wants to remain anonymous.


Emily Gordon: I think this is a pretty fair question. But I wonder -- does this girl think that the ideal in any relationship is that neither person has friends of the opposite gender? Do you get that out of the question?

John DeVore: I get a test of wills from the question.

Emily Gordon: Yes, totally!

John DeVore: It's as if she's really saying, "How do I get him to give up his friends who are girls?" She needs to suck it up and trust her man. Either that, or they need to stop having friends.

Emily Gordon: The girl clearly knows that her guy friends aren't woofing up her tree, but can't trust that of these other girls. And may I say something? Guys can be totally oblivious to their female friends being "up for it."

John DeVore: Yes, of course, we can be oblivious. Because while you think you're being obvious, you're not. Men don't do "subtle" very well. We don't take "hints." I know more women who are good at the game "Clue" than men. If you're up for it, it's best for you to spell it out simply, directly, like Ikea instructions. "Hey. Let's. Do. It. Yes. Or. No."

John DeVore: I think many a girlfriend is hyper-sensitive, paranoid, and territorial when it comes to their man talking to any other women.

Emily Gordon: Many a girlfriend are, true.

John DeVore:
Do you think men are as possessive as women? Because I don't think he even really cares about her "guy" friends.

Emily Gordon: Well, we have no idea what he thinks, because he didn't write into Guyspeak -- she did. But I do think that men can be extremely possessive when it comes to their girls having guy friends, because almost every man has been in love with a platonic female friend, and they wonder if that's happening right under their noses. Women just don't trust each other. That's the biggest problem.

John DeVore: Women don't TRUST each other?

Emily Gordon: NEWSFLASH! If I were this girl, I would make sure I befriended the hell out of each and every one of those girls. If you feel weird about them, the only way to deal is to realize that it's YOUR problem, not your boyfriend's.

John DeVore: Isn't that transparent? Like, if she befriended the other girls. Won't those girls know what's going on?

Emily Gordon: They may think it's weird, but that's my point: it's not the boyfriend's job to make her feel comfy, it's her job to make herself feel OK about his friends, or to leave the situation. If a girl you were dating asked you to drop your female friends you'd probably either dump her, or be like, "Totally. Done," and then still hang out with them behind her back. Right?

John DeVore: I have ended friendships with female friends because of a relationship. But I feel that's a bad harbinger of things to come.

Emily Gordon: Yes!

John DeVore: Because it's not about the friends. It's about her ability to manage her insecurities.

Emily Gordon: Even if you have a female friend that wants to bone you.

John DeVore: I am not speaking of that time I hung out with a friend I also made out with. ONE TIME. I'm human.

Emily Gordon: AHA!

John DeVore: This isn't like that movie when Billy Crystal Was Funny And Meg Ryan Didn't Have Botox, is it? You know: Can a man be friends with a woman? Be she-buds?

Emily Gordon: I tend to go for the squirmy "let's just be real with each other" conversations with platonic friends that seem they might want to be more than platonic. Because it's the anticipation and the "we both know but we don't talk about it" that makes things seem sexier than they are. But having a "yeah, I might be attracted to you, but we're never going to make out, so let's either dig in and be friends or break this off" talk can rock out a friendship.

John DeVore: Wow. That's ballsy of you. Lady ballsy. I think only a woman can pull that off. If I tried that, I'd come off presumptuous.

Emily Gordon: Oh, that's true! And it can when ladies do it, too. But like I said, women often know when a man is crushing on them way before a man will know that a woman is crushing on him. So what do you think, John? What should this girl do?

John DeVore: Finally, both you and your boyfriend have got to check your insecurities and get over yourselves ... because today it will be his female friends or your male friends. Tomorrow it might be the boss, or the husband of a friend, or the grocery store cashier. This isn't about specific relationships. This is about how you deal with another person having relationships that aren't with you.

Emily Gordon:
My thoughts are that you should never have to drop any actual platonic friends for a relationship. If either of you have friends that are secretly pining for you, kick them to the curb, but otherwise accept that it's your issue, not the other person's. Go make friends with these girls. I bet they're fun.



Tell us: Have you ever ended a friendship because your boyfriend wanted you to? And how'd that work out for you?

Also: What do you think of the new Guyspeak/GirlSpeak columns? (See the old style
here.)


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