Sharyn Bires: Still Single? The 7 People to Blame
Rep. Steve Israel: A True Shonda: Princesses: Long Island
John DeVore: Emily!
Emily Gordon: John! Who needs our help today?
John DeVore: Here's a question we got over at Guyspeak.
John DeVore: This woman wants to remain anonymous.
Emily Gordon: I think this is a pretty fair question. But I wonder -- does this girl think that the ideal in any relationship is that neither person has friends of the opposite gender? Do you get that out of the question?
John DeVore: I get a test of wills from the question.
Emily Gordon: Yes, totally!
John DeVore: It's as if she's really saying, "How do I get him to give up his friends who are girls?" She needs to suck it up and trust her man. Either that, or they need to stop having friends.
Emily Gordon: The girl clearly knows that her guy friends aren't woofing up her tree, but can't trust that of these other girls. And may I say something? Guys can be totally oblivious to their female friends being "up for it."
John DeVore: Yes, of course, we can be oblivious. Because while you think you're being obvious, you're not. Men don't do "subtle" very well. We don't take "hints." I know more women who are good at the game "Clue" than men. If you're up for it, it's best for you to spell it out simply, directly, like Ikea instructions. "Hey. Let's. Do. It. Yes. Or. No."
John DeVore: I think many a girlfriend is hyper-sensitive, paranoid, and territorial when it comes to their man talking to any other women.
Emily Gordon: Many a girlfriend are, true.
John DeVore: Do you think men are as possessive as women? Because I don't think he even really cares about her "guy" friends.
Emily Gordon: Well, we have no idea what he thinks, because he didn't write into Guyspeak -- she did. But I do think that men can be extremely possessive when it comes to their girls having guy friends, because almost every man has been in love with a platonic female friend, and they wonder if that's happening right under their noses. Women just don't trust each other. That's the biggest problem.
John DeVore: Women don't TRUST each other?
Emily Gordon: NEWSFLASH! If I were this girl, I would make sure I befriended the hell out of each and every one of those girls. If you feel weird about them, the only way to deal is to realize that it's YOUR problem, not your boyfriend's.
John DeVore: Isn't that transparent? Like, if she befriended the other girls. Won't those girls know what's going on?
Emily Gordon: They may think it's weird, but that's my point: it's not the boyfriend's job to make her feel comfy, it's her job to make herself feel OK about his friends, or to leave the situation. If a girl you were dating asked you to drop your female friends you'd probably either dump her, or be like, "Totally. Done," and then still hang out with them behind her back. Right?
John DeVore: I have ended friendships with female friends because of a relationship. But I feel that's a bad harbinger of things to come.
Emily Gordon: Yes!
John DeVore: Because it's not about the friends. It's about her ability to manage her insecurities.
Emily Gordon: Even if you have a female friend that wants to bone you.
John DeVore: I am not speaking of that time I hung out with a friend I also made out with. ONE TIME. I'm human.
Emily Gordon: AHA!
John DeVore: This isn't like that movie when Billy Crystal Was Funny And Meg Ryan Didn't Have Botox, is it? You know: Can a man be friends with a woman? Be she-buds?
Emily Gordon: I tend to go for the squirmy "let's just be real with each other" conversations with platonic friends that seem they might want to be more than platonic. Because it's the anticipation and the "we both know but we don't talk about it" that makes things seem sexier than they are. But having a "yeah, I might be attracted to you, but we're never going to make out, so let's either dig in and be friends or break this off" talk can rock out a friendship.
John DeVore: Wow. That's ballsy of you. Lady ballsy. I think only a woman can pull that off. If I tried that, I'd come off presumptuous.
Emily Gordon: Oh, that's true! And it can when ladies do it, too. But like I said, women often know when a man is crushing on them way before a man will know that a woman is crushing on him. So what do you think, John? What should this girl do?
John DeVore: Finally, both you and your boyfriend have got to check your insecurities and get over yourselves ... because today it will be his female friends or your male friends. Tomorrow it might be the boss, or the husband of a friend, or the grocery store cashier. This isn't about specific relationships. This is about how you deal with another person having relationships that aren't with you.
Emily Gordon: My thoughts are that you should never have to drop any actual platonic friends for a relationship. If either of you have friends that are secretly pining for you, kick them to the curb, but otherwise accept that it's your issue, not the other person's. Go make friends with these girls. I bet they're fun.
Tell us: Have you ever ended a friendship because your boyfriend wanted you to? And how'd that work out for you?
Also: What do you think of the new Guyspeak/GirlSpeak columns? (See the old style here.)
More From Lemondrop:
I'm the Daughter of a Serial Killer
I Spent a Year in a Women's Prison
Stuff Guys Want in Their Fantasies, Not in Their Beds 
Seniors Aren't Any Less Randy in Their "Sunset Daze"
Comments:
Add a comment
Thursday 29 April
By Em
My boyfriend definitely gets jealous of my guy friends. My guy and I were platonic friends for quite awhile before dating, but he had a crush on me for most of that time. Because of that, he assumes that all of my guy friends are secretly in love with me because that's how it was for him. On the flip side, I'm crazy jealous of all of his exgirlfriends, especially the ones that he maintains friendships with. But at the end of the day, we trust each other to handle ourselves appropriately and not continue close friendships with other people who seem to have an interest or intent in trying something shady. It all comes down to trust, and if you can't handle your significant other having friends of the opposite sex, I think that's really something you have to work out for yourself and figure out what it is that makes you feel insecure in your relationship.
Reply
Monday 03 May
By zapthief
It's true, women *do* have male friends who don't want to sleep with them. Know what those guys are called?
Gay.
Ladies, whatever they tell you, if they're male, straight, and "platonic" friends with you, 90% of the time they'd sleep with you, given the chance. The other 10% of the time, you're just not their type.
Monday 03 May
By sugarcreekchile
When my late husband and I met, we were both in our late 20's and working in the state capitol building. We'd both had a disappointing 1st marriage that we'd felt roped into and were back into the dating scene. He could charm any woman from 8 to 80 and I'd been told, I had a personality men loved. We both had several people we were dating, along with male and female friends.
We were both pretty egotistical and full of ourselves when we first got together, telling each other we were both the best that had ever been. We were pretty insistent that there wasn't anything the other could do to impress us. Needless to say we were the perfect match and married within a year.
We had a lot we could have been jealous about. Instead, when we walked through the capitol, I would tease him by pointing out the women he'd been with. He'd ask me how I could tell. It was really very easy. The ones I got the dirtiest looks from when we were together were his been-there-done-that.
Only a person who is insecure in their relationship has a problem with female friends and ex-girlfriends and vice versa. It's like I always told him when he'd get a tinge of jealousy and tell me that some male friend had the hots for me. "Big deal, I know he has but I'm with you not him, aren't I?"
We were in a restaurant one time when I was obviously pregnant and an old girlfriend came up and started flirting away with him before he could introduce me as his wife. She was quite embarrassed when he did.
I enjoyed having an attractive husband. Why would I want one that no one else wanted? Me, jealous? What for? I'm the one he chose to be with not them. My oldest son, a real charmer, also ran through a string of women before marrying his wife who has lots of male friends. They've been married for 13 years and there's been no cheating , just like there was none with my late husband and I.
Jealousy is indeed the green-eyed monster. It will end a relationship faster than any female friend or ex-girlfriend. If you keep accusing someone of having feelings for someone that they don't have or try to cut them off from old friends of the opposite sex because of unfounded jealousies, then you'll drive them to do the very thing you are afraid of. It won't be his female friends that ruin your relationship but your insecurities.
Monday 03 May
By Simzee
The way I figure...if some other gal can get more out of my boyfirend than me God bless her. For she'll NEED Gods blessing to put up with him.
Thursday 29 April
By Claire
I encountered a similar thing with my then-boyfriend, now-husband. I had contact with several guys strictly as friends when MY guy and I first started dating. Our big issue was that at some point in the distant past, I had slept with most of the men I grew to become friends with. My guy didn't want me to associate with any man I had ever had sex with in the past as long as I was with him. This caused a lot of static and hurt feelings in our relationship. At the time, I thought he was being hyper-jealous and nuts. As I got to know him I learned that sex and love are completely intertwined in his life. He has never slept with someone he didn't also love first. He couldn't comprehend of two people having sex and then having a casual friendship later on without some sexual baggage. In my youth I had perhaps too blythe an attitude about sex and perhaps his was a touch too serious. Anyway, after some serious exercises in empathy, I agreed to ditch those friends. Even after we got married this very thing came up again due to Facebook and my own misunderstanding of his boundries. I still don't know if it was fair of him to ask me to do this or not, but I found that I wanted to stay married to this flawed but still wonderful person badly enough that I have been willing to not worry overmuch about if he was out of line or not. I chose to not fight this battle.
Reply
Monday 03 May
By Kiara
What boundaries are those and to not fight for a cause to beleive is right in your image is hard, especially when u love someone so much. But simply just rolling over and accepting his rules or "boundaries" is another thing if you and your spouse can't see eye to eye about a situation such as this then what point is there to have male buddies then. I had a sitaution kind of like your Miss Claire, now mind you I am a strong minded woman and it was my strong mindedness that got my point across to my boyfriend. I told him that my buddy freinds are nothing more than friends and that my love is unconditional and only for him. If your guy can't see that and trust you with other male friends who knows what will be next. Girlfriends that he thinks are too much that he wants you to drop them too because he's not comfortable around them?! Possibly.
Monday 03 May
By splatthekat
ur fucked i cant believe u let ur self into a commitment -sorry to be blunt -i prob. should say anything but i just broke my sober 4wk stint.. But hey, I used to go out w/ a extremely possessive skinhead .. who HATED my guy friends. We were at each others throats! Of course dating a fellow virgo prob. wasn't such a great idea?! We were friends first, (which is what I strongly believe in) Unfortunately, he learned of my guy friends that way, but he was seriously mental, he'd get us kicked out of anywhere we went if a random guy so much as talked to me. He really did a # on my self esteem too. (I stick out from a crowd) and typically ignore any negative looks- but he kept wearing me down pointing 'em out.. he referred to my guy friends as 'my little boy friends'.. I'm usually fine w/ an age gap, but he was jaded and couldn't handle it. It was violent and controlling. (At 1st I played along -but when it got to the point where I couldn't go out, or answer the phone, or god forbid I make other plans... ) I seriously hope ur relationship isn't THAT bad. Please don't take offense that i wrote back after reading ur comment.
Friday 30 April
By Jaime
I believe that if you're jealous of ALL his female friends, then that's a bad sign. But if you're feeling insecure about specific female friends, then do something about it. Trust your gut.
Reply
Sunday 02 May
By kitty
But how do you pick? If he has been close friends with a girl for close to a decade, and they had been intimate for 6 months of that, many years ago, and then they decided there was no spark and successfully went back to being friends, how do you tell him to dump that friend??? And when you haven't met the friend, you are just being a tad bit psycho when you tell him you don't want him to have that friend. What if it is a female friend that you keep in contact with but it may be only a few times a year over the phone or email? I guess I just don't know!
Sunday 02 May
By Jeff
I'm down with the touched-upon trust and insecurity issues. I've been dumped as a best friend due to her new hub's insecurities (perhaps- I don't really know him), or it could have been the whole primitive male need-to-dominate thing.'Twas painful, but long ago. I'm currently single with oodles of chick friends. If things work out with this certain other woman I'm interested in, I dream that I'll feel like dropping everything else in my life for her, and she'll insist that I don't, due to completely loving and trusting me while feeling perfectly secure with herself and our relationship. I know- "Yeah- good luck with that Man!"... but a man can dream, can't he?
Reply
Friday 24 June
By sanju
i want to contact female cell no. in india
Sunday 02 May
By Lorraine
Why don't you just become friends of theirs. I don't think it is fair to make him choose. If you trust him don't make a big deal out of it.
Reply
Sunday 02 May
By Pathetic
This might come off as very stupid but 90% of my BF's friends are female and it drives me crazy....I cant befriend them because he doesnt want me to and thats strange. They call and ask him out saying he has free time, and these are friends he met after me. So I might be being stupid but does it really speak for itself.
Monday 03 May
By HsouixZ
How old are you people...3 years old?
If it's grown man, who the heck are you to tell him to whom he can, and can not speak to or befriend?
An adult person; male or female, does not play these childish games. Why not ask him to get rid of all his possessions, too? Sell everything. Move in with you, live in your mauve colored world, and look at life through those pink / rose colored glasses you wear.
Listen, if a man...or for that matter a woman wants to cheat; they'll make "new" friends, and cheat! That's what cheaters do, they cheat. But if you nit twits keep running off his friends, you'll both be friendless. Because that's what you'll be as the results of what ever petty and ridiculous practices you'd use to run off said friends. Let's see where that gets ya!
Get past adolescence.
If he has a friend you don't like, male or female....remember the old adage:
"Keep your friends close; and your enemies closer."
Most women would do better to get and read a copy of Sun Tzu's "THE 36 STRATAGEMS" or "The 48 Laws of Power" a 1998 book by Robert Greene. If you're going to walk, work, live or love in a Man's world; as a partner. boss, friend or lover then you should at least have a road map.
Those two books would be a good start.
Thank you,
Susie H.
Sunday 02 May
By Chris
This article is SPOT ON and EXCACTLY what I tried to get through to my EX fiance about a long time female friend of mine. She did not have a problem with my female friend until the relationship hit the 1.5 year mark. I gave the problem lots of thought and came to alot of the same conclusions John and Emily discuss. By the way, both my ex and friend are attractive women but I thought my ex was more attractive, I never did understand her paranoia or insecurity. If I was already in a relationship and came home and said "Hey, I met this great looking woman and I want to be her friend" I would understand the Jealousy. When you are friends with someone for 20 years and they are there before the relationship and your significant other has met them numerous times it should be a non issue.
Reply
Monday 03 May
By sjmom
I am all for both men and women keeping their friends in their lives. However, I think some clasify people as friends because they have had relations with them. If you are married or in a relationship if it's truly a platonic friend then introductions would be made. If you're being sneaky and walking down memory lane with someone you've had relations with behind someone'sback then that so-called friend needs to go. If your so-called friend is married and or in a relationship and their significant other isn't aware of your past and present friendship and what it entailed then it's probably not quite right.
It's best to do away with particular people that can only bring a negative impact to your current relationship and theirs.
Monday 03 May
By berentsonw
Chris, The reason your EX fiance was jealous was because of a couple of things. One ~ you said your friend was more attractive .... ummm if your fiance knew this she WOULD feel insecure. Two ~ you and your friend have a longer history together, if you ever dated your fiance would be wondering if you were waiting around for your friend to be available. I have never felt 100% secure in a relationship before the one I am in now....that is because HE makes me feel secure. He can hang out with 100 girls and I know he would not be unfaithful. Are you feeding insecurities to your girlfriends/fiances? You love that they are "green eyed" and having girls "fighting" over you? If yes, you are not ready for true love......you are playing the game. True love you give and take and want your other to feel GOOD about themselves, not just take, take, take.
Sunday 02 May
By LC
I have been friends with this guy for 5 years and we've best friends for the last 3, he moved to another state to a better job and after being there for 2 years he has found a woman that is in her late 40"s no kids and was married short time over 20 years ago. She feels that we shouldn't be friends so he stoped all emails and phone calls because he said it upsets her that we're friends. This has broke my heart. I am devastated. I am married and my husband does not have a problem with this friendship or my children, who used to think the world of this man. I am so hurt that he has thrown me to the curb for this paranoid woman. I just pray that he will come to his senses before their wedding this fall..
Reply
Monday 03 May
By plchom
You are on the other side of the fence. At this point you should accept her views and leave him alone as hurtful as this may sound, he is getting married and should focus on her not his ex friends.
Sunday 02 May
By Jeannie
Sorry, but I have to disagree with both of you about the subject at hand. It's not just some insecurity for the boyfriend/girlfriend to have to learn to 'deal with'. While I'm not saying that they should kick their opposite gendered friends to the curb, it is important that the scope of their relationship changes to some degree because when you have a boyfriend or girlfriend, you shouldn't put yourself in the position where something (like the 'ONE TIME' make out session you had with a platonic friend John) could potentially happen to threaten your love-relationship. Because like you said John, we're ALL human! And because we're human, sometimes things like this can happen even if you're not looking for it at the time. So, stay friends with the opposite sex but don't hang out with them alone when you're in a relationship with someone else. Ideally, like Emily said, try to get your partner and your friends to become pals too and you can do things together in a group. It IS, to a certain extent, your job to help your partner feel secure and you can do it by not putting yourself in the types of situations where there's a possibility that something could happen. It's not so much about trust as it is about appropriateness.
Reply