Lemondrop

How much porn have I watched in my life? I don't know, how many breaths have you taken?

No, no, I'm exaggerating. How many times have you said "like"?

Ha, no. Again with the exaggerations! I've actually estimated that I've watched porn approximately ... 144,948 times. Oh, that's not that much. Especially when you consider the recent news of a government employee at the SEC who, during the largest economic free fall since the Depression, visited spank sites on the job 16,000 times. In one month. On your tax dollar. (Pork spending, indeed!)

Gang, we watch a lot of porn. All of us. To pretend that we all haven't gone from the towering heights of excitement to complete, soul-eating disgust at something unmentionable on a family-company-owned website on our computer screen would be embarrassing in the extreme. When it's executed in a non-exploitative, pro-sex way, porn is healthy, normal and often instructive.

But hold up -- let's not forget that the good people who make pornography are professionals. And as much as I like -- nay, love -- pornography, there are certain things about it that are best left to said pros. Sometimes, when a real girl acts like Nikki Benz in bed, it's awesome, while at other times, I'm like, "Are you hurt? Why are you making that noise? The glitter, it burns!"

Here's the thing: When it comes to having sex, most people don't actually want it to be like the porn they love. At all.

For example ...

1. "Ouch Ouch Ouch, That Hurts!"
I've touched on this before (honestly, what does it say about my "career" that I've talked about the sensitivity of testicles multiple times?) but, people, I really can't stress this enough: Testicles are not oversize novelty dice.

In porn you'll see a girl treat a guy's scrotum like it's a rawhide satchel containing adamantium balls. She'll just go crazy with the sucking on them. I'm not sure if porn dudes have super-tough beans because they have so much aggressive sex, but I really can't believe your normal dude can stomach it, because I know I can't. The pain of having your balls mishandled is almost beyond language. The pain is like doves crying, while on fire. Ladies, don't.

2. Your Porn Star Expectations
I Don't Expect You to Look Like a Porn Star, Don't Expect Me To. I once walked into the living room when my sisters were watching the classic revenge-horror film, "I Spit on Your Grave." (I'll let you Google that.) This first porn I saw? Twice as terrifying, even considering that the former includes a graphic castration scene. The porn in itself wasn't scary so much as unnerving: Whoa, why are those female students taking that teacher's pants off??? And whoa whoa whoa, that can't be a penis, can it? It's got the girth of the goddamn Hindenburg!

It took me a full year to recover. The point? Don't compare guys in real life to the guys in porn. They didn't hire John Holmes for his sparkling personality and ability to not murder people. Adult-film producers hire actors because they're physically freakish. We don't expect you to have ankle tats and huge spherical breasts that knock together and fly apart like a nippled Newton's Cradle, do we?

3. My Fantasies Fulfilled
I'd say most people have some kind of a fetish, but a lot of guys really only want to keep it hypothetical -- or watch it in porn.

Take me. For some, sick reason, I love a porn involving a wife banging some other dude while her husband is fully in the know, or even in the room! Why? Because I'm insane! The husband's just sitting there, and then there's the wife being all "Oh this is sooo good," clearly implying it's better than what her husband offers.

For some reason, this porn scenario really turns me on. But the thought of real-life adultery freaks me out to no end. I don't want another dude in the room! I also don't want to sleep with someone's wife. I'm not out to destroy lives. (Or have some creepy dude eyeball my johnson.) Really -- even if I was offered a chance to sleep with a super-gorgeous woman who was married, and the husband was like, "Dude, dude, it's totally cool. Seriously," I couldn't do it. Why? Just because you found "Barely Legal Mexican Schoolgirls 8" on your boyfriend's hard drive doesn't mean you should be eBaying plaid skirts or smearing queso fundido all over yourself.

4. Long Fingernails
In porn scenes, oddly sexy. In real life, not so much. Look, just like every other boy in the '80s who concurrently discovered his penis and the television show "227," I was violently in love with future "Sister Sister" star Jackée. The way she spoke! The fingernails! But hey, in real life, I don't want the girl I'm sleeping with to have long, curved razors coming out of her fingers.

5. Dirty Talk
Guys love dirty talk. But then again ... we don't. Sometimes you women say the darnedest things! Obviously, most of us want to hear things like "F**k me harder." And, yes, some of us love it in porn when the woman sort of berates the dude and belittles him. ("That all you got?" Ha ha, you tell him, Lisa Ann!) But in real life, if a woman were to ask me if that's all I've got, I'd probably reply, "Why yes!" and then be all sad. In real life, we don't want to be yelled at during sex.

But, as for the whole two girls, one guy thing you see all the time in porn? We're totally cool with that.


[Redacted] Guy is the resident Single Guy writer for Lemondrop. He is responsible for 99 percent of tube socks disappearing from washing machines and dryers. We're not just talking about laundromats either. Like, private washing machines. Like the one in your house. And your Nana's house. You should probably call your Nana.

You can send him hate mail and love letters here, and follow him on Twitter.