Lemondrop

Oh, hey. I am Mary-Kate Olsen, and this is the first essay I've ever written. It's going really well so far.

Do I seriously need to introduce myself? I won't bother reminding you about how you spent the '80s watching John Stamos change my diapers, or the '90s watching my straight-to-VHS masterpieces. You guys know me. I'm one-half of the world's most famous set of twins and, no, I'm not talking about Lady Gaga's testicles. I'll jump right in and talk about my latest project, "Very Mary-Kate."

For those of you who haven't seen "Very Mary-Kate," it's basically the best thing since sliced bread, minus the carbs. It's a Web series about my day-to-day life in New York City as an illiterate teenage mother of two trying to get by in Harlem. Just kidding. I've never been to Harlem.

"Very Mary-Kate" is a coming of age of story. It's about my learning how to be independent. After all, you can't stay twins forever.



I want people to know that I'm, like, a totes normal girl. I put on my expensive Gucci pants one expensive Gucci pant leg at a time. And for the most part, I try to stay out of the spotlight. In fact, some days I wake up and I just want to, like, forsake all my worldly possessions and move to the mountains. But I'm sure the paparazzi would have a field day with that. Plus, I'd miss my bodyguard too much.

Really, I'm just a human being, with thoughts and feelings and whatever else human beings have. I'm not some skinny, out-of-touch bimbo. When you prick me, do I not bleed? I bleed, like, a ton because my blood doesn't clot. Every morning, I wake up in my pile of money and look at the message engraved in the diamond-encrusted plaque on my ceiling which reads "Make art, banish doubt ..." I think it says something else, probably along the lines of dressing well or taking my meds. I forget!

"Very Mary-Kate" is about my search for independence in this cold, harsh world of fashion shows and photo shoots. I want to experience everything that life has to offer: having a baby, getting a degree, having parties in blimps, etc.


I just want respect as an actress and designer! Why do so many people hate on me? Is it just because I'm skinny and rich? It's, like, get over it already! I'm not that skinny, I promise -- my weight ranges from 85 to 95 lbs., depending on how much bling I wear to my monthly checkups. And I don't have a crazy, partying, drinking, Hollywood lifestyle, except of course on weekends or special occasions or whenever I feel like it.


You can watch my life unfold in minute-long webisodes every Monday and Thursday at Very Mary-Kate. You can also follow me on Tweetster or whatever it's called. How long will I continue the series? I dunno ... I guess until I get bored or tired or distracted by a new necklace or whatevsies. Until then, I heart you all, like whoa.

Very Mary-Kate is not actually Mary-Kate Olsen. But how cool would it be if she were?






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